Mind Over Matter

Don't get me wrong. I think that to love or to care for someone is human nature. And, I won't deny that I loved a lot of different people, romantically or not. They all came in different time, different place, and different love. "There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice." -F. Scott Fitzgerald Yes, there are multiple times that I have fallen, whether to be caught on somebody's arms or not. But really, for all of those who I've fallen onto, there is this something in my feelings that is dominating. Mind over matter. I love the mind over the matter. Intellectual romance. I don't know. Is it wrong not to deeply crave someone's kiss or touch that much? Is it wrong to fall in love more on the perfect mix of conversations and silence rather than the smooth flow of body heat and breath? I may not fall for a person the same way as the others, which made me doubt if I really fell or not, but then now, I think that I really do but in a different way. It's just weird. I don't know if it's just a phase or what but at least now I'm pretty sure of what I think. I think that we talk in different language, in different forms of love. And we wait for that person who has or understands the one same as yours. Maybe, some language are just a little bit more mainstream than others. I mean, there are also times I don't understand others' way of showing affection, so I don't really expect people to understand mine. Does it really matter? Well, it does. But I think knowing or acknowledging my true feelings is enough no matter how strange it is. I think knowing what you want is the one that matters even if the person you have feelings for won't be able to get your love language. Oh well. Maybe it's not meant to be.

Kulang sa Tulog

Background muna.

Sisimulan ko sa sirang-sirang weekend. Sunud-sunod na disappointment. Dapat kasi hindi talaga nag-eexpect. Ayan tuloy, ipilit ko man sa mga tao na masaya na ako, sa weekend na iyon, makikita sa mukha ko kung gaano ka-down ng nararamdaman ko. 

Bakit? Many reasons. Ayaw ko nang isa-isahin.

Dumako na lang tayo sa masasayang bahagi.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! :)) Instant. Bumaligtad ng 180 degrees and facial expression ko. Masaya na ako. Bakit? Many reasons. :)) Naenjoy ko yung araw ko with friends: lunch with friends, dinner with other friends, UP Fair with other friends. Nalungkot lang talaga ako na hindi ko naumpisahan ang Spongecola sa UP Fair to think na kinanta nila yung isa sa mga paburito kong kanta sa kanila. Hindi na bale, bawing-bawi naman ng nostalgia na dala ng Hale at Rivermaya.

Haha. Some thoughts. Sa tagal-tagal ko sa UP at sa dalas kong pumunta ng UP Fair, hindi ko inexpect na magiging masaya ako ngayong taon. Lagi ko na lang tinatanong sarili ko ano mapapala ko dun kung hindi gastos. Hindi naman ako nagrirides at mas maunti na ngayon ang mga booths. Same bands pati. Ayaw ko rin ng madaming tao. Bakit pa ba?

Naguiguilty ako. Aral muna. Ipinagpaliban kong makita ang Itchyworms para magsunog ng kilay. Nakakamiss ang mga ganitong aral. Pero seryosong aral iyon ha. Hindi ko nga lang natapos. Ang hirap. Pero masaya ako. Shet. Ang martir.

Ayun. Hindi natapos sa isang gabi ang pag-UP fair ko. Syempre, sinamahan ko yung date ko. Ang dami nang tao! Jusmiyo! Buti talaga nung Martes, nakapunta ako. Umambon pa noon, natakot ako na baka bumagsak ang ulan at maulit nanaman yung nangyari dati. Pero hindi sila naging hadlang sa kasiyahan ng gabi ko. "Sa gilid ng mga mata tinitignan kita." Sakto, pagtingin ko andoon siya. Ang babaw ko lang. Haha. Medyo pagod na din ako at walang magawa kaya tumambay na lang ako sa damuhan at gumawa ng homework habang tumutugtog ang mga sikat na banda. HIndi ko na nakita iyong mga tao na nagsabing pupunta kasi ang kapal ng crowd. Ewan. Basta nang lumaon mag-isa na lang ako. Hindi ko alam nangyari. Okay lang. Nagmcdo na lang ako mag-isa.

Cram. Oo, kahit umpisahan mo ng maaga, matatapos ka pa din ng huli. Hindi nanaman ako nakapasok kahit na handa na ang outfit ko. Things you do for EEE. Anyway, may something weird sa araw na ito. Friday the 13th? Hindi naman ako minamalas. Weird lang. Karamihan ng nakasama ko ngayong araw ay may something sa past ko. Ewan. Basta nakapagpasa ako ng homework.

Heto. Hindi dapat ako nandito. Napilitan lang ako. Medyo matagal dumating ang tanging pakay sa gabing ito at tulad ng ibang gabi, ang boring ko. Tumambay lang ako halos sa damuhan at naghintay. Pagod na din ako dahil ilang araw na walang tulog. Lumipas na lang ang mga oras. Sasabayan ang mga awiting nasa likod ng ulo ko ang liriko. Kumanta ako na parang sinasabi ko sa kanya. Nakikinig na parang ang awiting iyon ay para sa akin. Nakipagdaldalan. Tumawa. Naglakad-lakad. Napaidlip. Naabot ko na ata ang limit ko. AYAN NA! Dumating na sila. Yung hinihintay ko. Yung dahilan bakit kami andito. Tayo!

Malalim na ang gabi. Tumigil ang ulan. Maririnig mo ang mga damdaming sumisigaw. Langit ay puno ng bituin. Bumigla ang makukulay na bulalakaw. Umiindak sa saliw ng tadhana. Kasama ang gusto mong makasama. Hindi ka iniwan. Ano pa ba ang pwedeng hilingin?

Hindi man kumpleto tulog ko, kumpleto naman ang araw ko.

Di pa natapos doon kahit papikit-pikit na kami ng mga kasama ko. Agahan sa walang-sawang Mcdo. Tapos kinumpleto ko ang storya ko. 

Nakauwi na din. Makakatulog na ako ng mahimbing.

Random Thought of the Day

Some people will only see that small bad part in you despite trying to be good all your life. Normally, I'd take time to find out to correct it or make up for it. But then sometimes, you just get tired of it. Admit that you make mistakes. Accept that you can't please everyone. Don't let other people destroy you. You don't always have to adjust and change for all the people you meet and lose yourself somewhere along the way. Just focus more, give more time and effort to people who knows how to appreciate you and accepts you as you are. Don't waste your precious time and do something worthwhile. :))

I don't know.

I am not angry at anyone right now.

In fact, I'm happy. I have been really happy for a while. :))

There are just things I don't understand. And I got tired of always trying to understand. Again, I have to accept the fact I'm powerless. I can't always make things right all the time. I'm no superhuman and I think I should choose my fights.

Funny how a semester changed me drastically. Funny how a person or two change my way of thinking, my perspective on things. I don't know, it's just funny. 

One Minute

I googled the question, "what is the smallest unit of time?" and found out a couple of nerdy answers. Well, time. You really can't tell. You may find it that short, or too long. It might depend on one's perspective. And just like that, you don't know it's already gone.

Time's up!

Maybe, the shortest unit of time is any time duration that wasn't enough. Anyway, there won't be much of a difference if all were unfinished, hanging, waiting, undone. Maybe, it is not really about the length of time nor the speed. Maybe, it's just about moments, events, frequencies.

Time. It is just one long-term mindset of people that is both giving freedom and boundaries. And, for me, as we grow older, little by little, we become slaves of it.

Just this morning, my professor kept mentioning about time cycles, computers, human reaction time and compared things like speed. He emphasized how slow we are compared to computing powers of even the simplest computer. He also made mention of wasting the goddamned time. Okay. That is random. Meanwhile, I got information overload for other hours of the day, to think it was just a day and it wasn't really the whole day but just like, a few hours. But, I don't know how they could say a lot of those in an hour and how can it matter to students if it is really overwhelming.

Aside from those learning events. I got a couple of questions asked to me today impromptu both for a minute.

The first one is say everything that I can say that I love in a minute. The other one is, pitching a problem and solutions in a minute, strictly. I don't know, today within these one-minute talking, I got a lot of learning. 

What I mean is, this post is like another point of view of the last post. If the other is about forever, this recreates a version of the world in the smallest unit of time you can think of. In a minute there, I can't tell if I were really honest or not. I'm not sure with what I was saying because there weren't enough time. I can't think. I had my mouth to do that. And whatever goes. 

Well, I just think that time is one of the most misunderstood things. Time is like something with a lot of meaning but we all got used to the convention of it. I mean, there are a lot of things pertaining to time and just retaining all this weight to a single word, makes it a bit more complicated.

Life is short. And even within a minute or even shorter, you may realize that.

Forevermore

There is really a happy ever after, or at least, I believed there was.

I grew up in fiction where destiny and forever comes hand-in-hand. I believed that one day, there's this knight in shining armor who would appear by my window to save me from my distress. That one person, who you would know at first sight, you want to be with forever, and at first sight, you fell in love.

It does not exist.

No. It really does. Just wait.

It was not long since reality tries to shatter these illusions of mine. The moment someone snatched my dear first kiss back when I was six. The moment I realized that my parents are no more than friendly strangers to each other. The moment I first got my heart broken by reasons I don't understand. But really, I got scared, but I continue to trust people. I still believed in love and good in people. I still believed that there is this someone really meant for me.

I held long to these beliefs, together with my faith, for a long time. I just don't really remember where I lost it. Were it the times that I've watched TV and heard married couples getting divorce? Were it the time I heard my sister or my friends got their hearts broken by the person who promise to love them and will never hurt them? I know that the moment they utter the promise, they aren't lying. I believe that. But, what got wrong? What could change a mind so easily? What could tweak the events in a matter of years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds? And that is when I decided I won't be like them. If I find you, I'm gonna love you forever. I won't change my mind about that.

That was a hasty and reckless declaration. What do I know about love? I grew up in romance, but not love. Yes, I the first time I think I fell for someone, I thought it would be forever. But no, I have no plans of being with him. I just want him to be happy and that makes me happy. And yes, he was not the last. I felt the same falling for the first sight several times. And well, it was also late when I realize I got the capability to fall for a person I have already known. I never really believe that the way you look a person can really change. That person who you least think to be in love with, might be your next boyfriend. And lastly, I didn't know I am capable of getting over someone. Honestly, I can't really tell you I can forget ex's. I just can tell you I felt a different feeling now compared to the first time I saw them. I am not sure if we really get over people or we just get used to the pain.

I am actually shocked with myself. I mean, I know, I might be thinking a bit too much right now but wow. Having feelings for different people and getting over, having my heart leaping and broken and back up again over and over again, I can't believe that I can change my mind, my heart, just like the others. I know it is normal, but I am not prepared that being real means the opposite of eternity.

I can't help but be ashamed to be someone that can forget, to be someone that has the ability to stop caring. For each day that time approaches forever, the more I realize that it cease to exist in my mind. 

When did I stopped believing?

I laughed at happy endings. I doubted movies that just ended at kissing scenes. I raise my eyebrow to things that grip upon being "meant-to-be". I don't know when it started, but it just did. Right now, I question destiny and change and opportunity and choice and coincidences. And I guess, nobody really knows. I might can't help it to forget, to move on, to stop caring. I might not be able to help it to find that filthy little selfish part of the heart in all of us. But that is the best part: finding out that you are just a human. I am as powerless as I am. And if I am not able to change or be able to forget things, I won't be able to carry all those weight and I won't be able to grow. I guess forgetting is as important as remembering.

It's quite sad. Nowadays, I find it hard to grasps upon the belief of goodness and love in everybody's heart. But it's something that is also hard to let go. I mean, to myself I know I still try to be as good as I can be. I try so hard to wait for the right moment to find that someone who is also waiting for me. I still think that it's still possible, maybe now in a different sense, to find forever in moments, to hold onto destiny with your own hands and call it meant to be, to find reality even harder to believe than fiction. Well, nobody's perfect. That's what everybody also says. But there might be someone out there willing to accept our imperfections, if not forever, well at least for a lifetime. And maybe, just maybe, that is love itself.

Skew Lines

I will never admit it, as long as there's a possibility.

I can't deny the fact that I have been falling for someone lately. But then, if you only know that I grew fonder of you on recent times through recent events than that person. I found myself laughing within when people push hard on me towards that person, but I really think, I would rather cling onto you.

This isn't another love confession. Nothing. I just want to say that I find comfort from you as a friend more than what that person can give right now. I can't ask that person anything anyway. That person's so out of reach. No, no, no, I'm not using you. I am just really really fond of you.

I just can't believe that it's possible to stray so far away from first impressions. I've known you for so long and I only got the chance to be in touch just these times, but it didn't stop me from being amazed. You are amazing, and you didn't know. And sometimes, I want you to know, but I don't, because you might find it weird.

There exist these lines prior to other lines. Sometimes, they meet, sometimes, they don't. Either way, you may not cross. These are boundaries set to enclose you to the only space you can be free. 

I'm not playing with you or that person. I really like that person. And you have your own matters. 

Skew lines appear to cross at some perspective but really, they don't. It's like a paradox of you crossing my mind, but in reality, you didn't.

I'm happy to have chance like this. I think you will be one of my friends that I will cherish.

Loverage

Pinagbakasyon ko muna si feelings. Hindi ko inakalang isang araw kakatok siya muli. Either tinopak lang ako isang gabi, o legit itu kasi nagsurvive siya ng bakasyon.

Hindi siya nagsurvive ng bakasyon, nabuo siya. Hindi ko naman siya iniisipan ng ganoon dati. Pero ayon, mag-iisang linggo na simula noong tinopak ako at bigla kitang namiss.

Topak lang siguro talaga. Pero basta ganito yung nangyari.

Hindi ito si Mr. Clean. Appreciative lang ako at chaka talaga feelings ko para sa kanya. Nakarelate lang ako sa kanya one day tapos, tapos na. Interesado lang noong una pero wala talagang nabuong solid na feelings.

Lumuwas ako para magparecheck. Pumasok ng EEE, at naalala kita. Nagflash ang lahat ng memories in one blink. Hindi ko nanaman madistinguish, o madefine iyong nararamdaman ko. Lagi na lang ganito. Juice colored. LOVERAGE! Hindi ako sure kung love pero sure ako may rage. Para akong lasing noong araw na iyon. Nasa byahe ako pauwi at sobrang nagugulumihanan. Hinahanap kita ng hindi ko napapansin. Longing. Masakit. Uhaw. Baliw. Tanga.

Miss lang talaga kita hanggang ngayon. Hindi ko nga lang alam ano gagawin pag nagkita ulit tayo. Kasi wala naman tayong mapag-uusapan. Nung bakasyon nga eh hindi kita magawang gambalain kasi sino naman ako di ba? Gusto lang talaga kitang kausap. Gusto ko lang talaga iyong company mo. Lagi mo akong pinapasaya. Legit. My diliman world is not as dilim as it were. Iba ka kasi. Kaya mong magtrespass sa boundaries na sinet ko ng hindi ko namamalayan. JUSMIYO! NALILITO AKO!

Ito na siguro ang isa sa pinakaweird na sitwasyon ko ever. Bago pa man magkaroon, naisip ko na kasi. There is a thin wall between us, a thin impenetrable wall. Wala. Bukod sa wala, hindi pwede. Everytime nagtatanong ang puso ko, kinakadena siya ng mundo. 

Untouchable star. Get close and get burned. Just look at them shine from afar. It's not about deserving one, you really just can't have one.

Pag sana nagkita tayo, masagot ang mga tanong ko sa sarili ko. Pero ayon. Please, even if I can't touch you, I wanted to be as close as I can. In other words, let us remain friends. Please, even if I can't have you, I don't want to lose you.

In fairview ha! Sinusulat ko lang ito pero sakit na sa dibdib. Legit yung kadena talaga. Partly nakakainis kasi parang inaamin ko sa sarili ko na such feelings exist. Huhu. I don't want to fool you. I mean, gusto ko talagang maging friends tayo. Nakakalungkot kasing isipin na tapos na, if ever. Basta iyong feelings ko hindi naman sure. I mean, nung una wala talaga akong naiisip na ganoon. Sumagi lang noong may direktang nagtanong sakin kung meron. At hindi ko na maalis sa isip ko iyong tanong na "Meron nga ba?"

Huhu. Hindi ko naman sobrang kilala sarili ko. Pero sure akong ang tanga tanga ng ginagawa ko. At mas tanga pa kasi alam ko nang ganoon hindi ko pa masolusyonan. Umamin kaya ako na naguguluhan ako? Haha joke. Ang hirap noon. Ang weird noon. Para kong sinaksak ang sarili ko. At baka hindi mo na ako kausapin forever. Walang forever pero baka dahil doon magkaroon.

HAHA. Sana hindi ka bored at biglang mapadpad dito at mabasa mo ito. If nabasa mo, sana hindi mo maisip na ikaw. Pero on the first place, sa tingin ko naman hindi mo maiisipang tignan. :))

For the Nth time, bahala na. :)) And I miss you :))