MADAMING GANAP

sa loob ng isang linggo (at installment ang pagsulat ko nito kasi tuluy-tuloy ang buhay kaya sobrang sabog nito for sure), ANG DAMING GANAP!


Una, bumalik ang ulan, ngunit hindi na siya tulad dati na parang bagyo.

Sabi ko nga sa kalangitan na wag saking ipamukhang may tadhana dahil baka maniwala ako.  Pero heto, sige pa rin siya sa pagpapaniwala sa akin na may forever.

"kalimutan mo na yan. hindi ka niya mahal." sabi nga ng katabi ko ngayon. Pero heto, hindi man ako umaasa, ay hindi naman din ako makalimot.


Dapat talaga nagsusulat ako ngayon ng write-up. HAY NAKO. pero heto ako kung anu-ano ginagawa ko. Hahaha. Nakakatawa. Pinagawa mo pa ako ng write-up, eh, hindi ko alam kung anong isusulat ko. Or nakakatawang ang dami ko nang blogpost tungkol sa'yo at hindi kita magawan ngayon ng write up. Kuha ka na lang kaya ng isang post. :)) Joke lang. Pero swear, natatawa ako habang iniisip ko kung ano isusulat kong topic haha. (Friday ko ito nasulat at supposedly Saturday yung deadline pero namove ng Monday. Mga sentences after nito, mga after 2 weeks ko na nasulat kaya nag-ba na yung thought.)

NagYOLO night pa ako at hindi ko nagawa yung write-up ng Friday. Sino kasama ko? Nostalgic nga eh. Karamihan sa BERKS kasama. Okay naman. Masaya naman ako. Nagstarbucks after at Mcdo hanggang umaga at boom kung anu-ano nasulat ko. Nung mag-isa na ako sa Mcdo para akong tanga sa public kasi naiyak ako nung may nabasa akong mensahe ng kaibigan kahit na ang sabaw-sabaw. Nostalgic talaga eh. Yung kahit na di talaga maganda memories ko kasama ang berks, eventually hinahanap mo din. Ewan. Ang dami din kasing nagbago sa akin at hindi ko maiwasan isipin yung what if itong Kay-anne yung nakasama nila. Regardless of that, masaya ako na may kaibigan ako na tinanggap ako regardless ng multiple transformation niya at ako.

Anyway, nasulat ko naman yung write-up at tinanggap ng mga tao yung mga sinulat ko. Well yung isa naging honest ako ng kaunti at pinabago niya haha. Yung isa pa parang nagtapat na ko pero binago ko na din kasi ang boring.

ANYWAY, balik sa first part ng linggo. Napaisip ako sa future ko in so many perspectives. Inisip ko lang ulit mga nangyari buong linggo kasi noong buong weekend halos magkulong lang ako sa kwarto na ang kinakain lang ay ang inimbak kong pandesal. Hindi ko na talaga alam. Nag-eexist pala ang mga trabahong sa labas ng academe na possible na magustuhan ko. Napaisip tuloy ako kung magwork ba ako next sem or mas mabuti bang magchill kasi buong buhay ko naman magtratrabaho naman ako. (Decision kong ito regardless ng ulan. Mabilis din naman nawala yung feeling. Nashock lang ako sa ulan.)

Same thing sa takot ko sa elevator. Takot ako sa nararamdaman ko. Takot akong mareject. Takot ako in general. Buti na lang nakakalmado ako kapag andiyan ka. Pwede bang forever ka na lang dyan? Mas takot akong mawala ka. Kaya from time to time, bigla bigla akong nagcocompose at nagschedule ng dapat sasabihin ko sa iyo dahil gusto kong maging honest. Pero kasi pag kasama ko talaga yung mga certain people na yun nadidiscourage din ako. Sobrang nalulungkod ako pag nabribring up nila yung topic. Haha. Hindi ko naman maexplain sa kanila.

Paano ba? Ewan ko. Basta yan naisip ko nun. Bahala na si Carly Rae magexplain.

Dear Friends

I would like to thank my new friends (created within 15 to 30 seconds with the power or Paint) who cheered me up last Saturday night.

GROO

KOOSH

NIKO

 PANKEY

POCO

SPARKENCER

WIRLOCK

Thank you so much guys. You don't know how much you have done for me mean to me. RAWR!

Things I've done in UPD

Things I've done in UPD

[x] Worried about getting bullied by fratmen or getting killed in a riot. 
[  ] Got bullied by fratmen or was killed in a riot. 
[  ] Witnessed a riot. 
[x] Watched the Oblation Run. [accidentally, well upper body parts lang nakita ko, di ako interested eh]
[x] Made friends with a teacher. 

[  ] Was tricked as a freshman into attending a rally/prayer meeting. 
[x] Wore red or black on one of those wear red or wear black days. 
[  ] Wore red on Valentine’s Day. [di ko maalala]
[  ] Wore black on Valentine’s Day. [di ko maalala]
[x] Celebrated a birthday at Mang Jimmy’s. [birthday ng iba]
[  ] Learned UP Naming Mahal. 
[x] Was an RA (registration assistant) or SA. 
[x] Lied or begged to an RA for a slot in class. 
[x] Participated in a there’s-only-one-more-slot-are you-feeling-lucky? 
[x] Jogged around the campus. 

[x] Visited the Vargas Museum. 
[x] Knew at least one xerox lady, manong, or technician by name. 
[  ] Attended university level graduation. 
[x] Got an activist for a teacher.
[x] Watched a La Salle vs. Ateneo UAAP game. 

[x] Watched a UP vs. any school basketball game. 
[x] Studied in CASAA.
[x] Studied in McDonald’s or Jollibee Philcoa for one full night and bought just one regular-sized drink. 
[x] Studied along Katipunan. 
[  ] Studied along Katipunan and affected the mannerisms of a stereotypical Atenean. 

[x] Watch a play that’s not required for Comm III. 
[x] Went stargazing.  
[x] Ate in Chocolate Kiss, Tea Room (in CHE) or Chateau Verde. 
[x] Slept in the lib.
[  ] Struck up a conversation with a taong grasa.

[  ] Wrote/Texted to/for the Collegian. 
[x] Seriously pondered about the identity/ies of the people described in Eksenang Peyups. 
[  ] Went to the chapel. 
[x] Got a pebble stuck in your shoe/slippers while walking in Sunken Garden. 
[  ] Cut class with your block to watch a movie. 

[  ] Had a Voltes V for a teacher. 
[  ] Took a class under Joseph Palis.
[  ] Lied to the transcript lady to get a transcript earlier than the standard 3 months. 
[  ] Went to a Freshman-only concert. 
[x] Subsisted on just streetfood (fishballs, half footlongs, kwekwek, squidballs/rolls, mais, dirty ice cream) for a day.

[  ] Learned how to smoke. 
[x] Went on an out-of-town trip with blockmates or orgmates. 
[*] Fell in love. [not sure]
[x] Actually read the book you keep borrowing from the lib. 
[x] Played cards during your free time.

[x] Dressed in business attire.
[  ] Sumabit sa jeep. 
[  ] Got sung to or sung to someone in class during Valentine’s day. 
[x] Watched the Lantern Parade. 
[x] Helped out a total stranger. 

[x] Helped out a total stranger because he/she was hot.
[x] Learned to stay awake for more than 24 or 48 hours straight.
[  ] Got bullied by fratmen and feeling cool wannabe people who were actually losers. 
[x] Took Monday and/or Sat classes WILLINGLY.
[  ] Volunteered for the pahinungod. 

[  ] Ate “tasteless white sauce” pasta from cock-a-noodle-doo. 
[  ] Got a boyfriend/girlfriend. 
[x] Got held up or pickpocketed. 
[x] Felt depressed because you were not as good academically as you were in high school. 
[x] Did a last minute paper. [mas mataas pa score nito compared sa typical score ko.]

[x] Had spent a lot for 1x1 ID pictures.
[x] Got exempted from final exams. 
[  ] Got exempted from a final exam but still took it.  
[  ] Attended a varsity pep rally. 
[x] Watched LIVE AIDS, Androgyny, Maskipaps or any well-known variety show.

[  ] Promised to quit smoking.
[x] Got into at least one (org- or council-sponsored) adventure race.
[x] Knew where the best restrooms are on campus. 
[x] Joined an org.  
[x] Allowed yourself to make mistakes. 

[x] Went to the gym in spite of having no PE class.  
[x] Took summer classes. 
[x] Admired the Oblation. 
[x] Made a video for a project. 
[x] Had a crush on a teacher. 

[ ] Had a teacher who had a crush on/tried to court you. 
[ ] Attended your ROTC Bivouac. 
[ ] Faked sickness to get an absence excused. 
[ ] Got your car scratched by one of those “Kuya bantayan ko kotse niyo”. 
[x] Took a PE class where you had to pay for tuition. 

[x] Went to school in your crappiest yet most comfy clothes.
[  ] Learned how to use the Bayantel pay phones. 
[x] Participated in school activities. 
[  ] Caught the UP Pep Tryouts. 

[  ] Dated someone from UP. 
[x] Rode an IKOT and TOKI. 
[x] Found a tambayan. 
[x] Went drinking at Sarah’s. 
[x] Learned how to beg for a higher grade. 

[x] Used your 6 allowable absences wisely. 
[  ] Lived in a dorm.
[x] Volunteered to be beadle or go-to guy for your group. 
[x] Had the worst schedule. 
[  ] Realized that there really is just one coconut tree on the sunken garden. [WHAT?!]
[x] Not used up all 6 allowable absences.
[  ] Ate in ISSI, Treehouse, Mama Thai’s and other more obscure cafeterias. 
[x] Ate food Aristocart-style. 
[x] Is active in your org/s. 
[x] Attended an ACLE. 

[x] Got as many app forms as you can during the job fair. 
[x] Learned how to cram. [marunong na ko, mas naging marunong lang lalo]
[x] Sold tickets for (or watched) an org-sponsored movie premiere.  
[x] Saved money to photocopy all of your seatmate’s notes. 
[  ] Had accidentally seen a make-out session.

[x] Slept in class.  
[x] Finished a homework/assignment/paper in the Shopping center or Philcoa. 
[x] Had mountains of “unused” sample exams and/or old testaments.
[x] Resolved to be “better this semester”. 
[x] Slept during a test.


[x] Had groupmates from hell. 
[x] Learned how to work with groupmates from hell. 
[  ] Perfected the art of parking on campus.
[x] Had a bad encounter with one of the guards on campus. 
[x] Developed a love for sisig even before UP.

[x] Practiced those UP cheers in the first meeting for PE class. 
[x] Looked at microfilms in the library or poked through archives. 
[x] Reserved a classroom, AVR, etc. for a class or org function. 
[x] Attended the UP Fair. 
[x] Went to a library other than your own college’s to research.  

[x] Lost a perfectly functioning umbrella. 
[x] Used consultation hours properly.  
[x] Went to the Guidance Office for real, heart-to-heart guidance. 
[x] Went to the infirmary. 
[  ] Attended class with a hangover.
[x] Drink beer or alcohol while inside UP grounds. 

[x] Walked all the way to Philcoa or Katipunan from UP.
[ ] Buy frogs from NSRI or a Bio department. 
[x] Maxed out on the 6 allowed unexcused absences but DID NOT drop. 
[x] Got invited or pursued by a sorority or fraternity. 
[x] Wore slippers to school. 
[x] Had a professor who smoked in class. 
[ ] Got diagnosed by the Infirmary as pregnant or infected with STD

After 2 PM

Here I am, body's immovable, mind's sailing. Then there they are, things that I must do, must have been doing and must have done. I don't really know where to start or if I wanted to. It's the hardest part of doing something, starting. If only you could end something without starting.

It's okay. It's the peak of heat within this time of the day. And you can't blame me. I have suffered a lot lately, physically, mentally, socially, I think in any aspect of my being. I don't think it would be much of a sin to crave for a little bit of escape to the real world. Better yet, I would definitely regret doing this.

I really think I needed this. Oh well. Let life happen.

Disorder

Nagkatime ulit kaya nakapagsagot ulit ng mga random test after a long time. And, I got this:


Disorder | Rating

ParanoidDisorder | High
SchizoidDisorder | Moderate
SchizotypalDisorder | High
AntisocialDisorder | Moderate
BorderlineDisorder | High
HistrionicDisorder | Moderate
NarcissisticDisorder | Moderate
AvoidantDisorder | High
DependentDisorder | Moderate
Obsessive-CompulsiveDisorder | Moderate

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

Consistent sa dating results sa ibang disorder test na nasagutan ko.

Procrastination

Things I do few hours before 51 exam. Wala eh, wala ako sa mood mag-aral. Kaya ayan, procrastination. #PaintSkills

Anyway, napanood ko na din eventually after exam. Ang ganda, madaming EEE feels. Medyo napapanahon kasi confused ako sa gusto kong future. Pero grabe, dapat ngayon muna iniisip ko.

Ngayon. Huhu exam. Hindi ako depressed katulad ng sa 41. Pero nakakatakot kasi hindi ako kinakabahan. At isa pa hindi ko natapos andami kong blanko. Huhu. Pero ayun, nakakadepress talaga yung 53 exam.

mga MP na lang at DP. Tapos pahinga. Isang linggong pahinga. Hinga.

Patay na Linya

DIYOS KO LORD! ANG DAMING GAGAWIN NAKAKAMATAY NA! WALANG PAHINGA PAHINGA MAY SAKIT PA KO MAYYYGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHDD!!!!!


Hinga.

Nakakainis ang daming gagawin. Acads pa lang ang daming deadlines. Ang daming exams. Ang daming bagay. Hindi ako makasunod. HIndi ko alam uumpisahan. Tapos ngayon pa sakto yung madaming gagawin din sa ibang bagay. ARGHHHH! Nakakapagod. Drained na drained na ako.

Hinga.

Paano ba ko mag-uumpisa? Paano ko ba ito ihahandle ng maayos. Gagi. Bawal na bumagsak. Please naman wag ganun. Gagi. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!


Sorry sa mga org ko hindi ko kayo maasikaso at nagpapabaya ako pero grabe kasi mismong priority ko hindi ko matake so intindihin niyo na ako. Gusto ko sabihin wag niyo muna ako gambalain ngayon. Pero hindi ko din alam kailan ako pwede bumawi kasi last sem di ko din kinaya at sinabi ko ngayon ako babawi. Apparently hindi ko pala kaya.

Hinga. Wew.

Help me. T_T Anyone. T_T Ang hopeless ko.

Hindi naman ako malungkot. Pagod lang talaga ako. Pagod sa lahat. Pagod din sa mga taong nakakapagod isipin na dapat di ko na ginagawa. Pagod sa mga gawaing hindi ko din makita yung sense. Pagod kahit sa mga bagay na mahalaga sakin. Kasi, pagod lang talaga ako ngayon.

Pero bawal mapagod. Bawal huminga.

Kahit subukan mo masasakal ka lang sa mga bagay bagay.

Tama na. Sobra na.

Gagi. Kahit ilang sems ko na sinasabi yan di din naman ako tumitigil.

Baka may choice.

Baka pwede.

Baka may escape.

Wala.

Hai. Hahanap na lang ako ng paraan.

Hinga.

Kulang sa Tulog

Background muna.

Sisimulan ko sa sirang-sirang weekend. Sunud-sunod na disappointment. Dapat kasi hindi talaga nag-eexpect. Ayan tuloy, ipilit ko man sa mga tao na masaya na ako, sa weekend na iyon, makikita sa mukha ko kung gaano ka-down ng nararamdaman ko. 

Bakit? Many reasons. Ayaw ko nang isa-isahin.

Dumako na lang tayo sa masasayang bahagi.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! :)) Instant. Bumaligtad ng 180 degrees and facial expression ko. Masaya na ako. Bakit? Many reasons. :)) Naenjoy ko yung araw ko with friends: lunch with friends, dinner with other friends, UP Fair with other friends. Nalungkot lang talaga ako na hindi ko naumpisahan ang Spongecola sa UP Fair to think na kinanta nila yung isa sa mga paburito kong kanta sa kanila. Hindi na bale, bawing-bawi naman ng nostalgia na dala ng Hale at Rivermaya.

Haha. Some thoughts. Sa tagal-tagal ko sa UP at sa dalas kong pumunta ng UP Fair, hindi ko inexpect na magiging masaya ako ngayong taon. Lagi ko na lang tinatanong sarili ko ano mapapala ko dun kung hindi gastos. Hindi naman ako nagrirides at mas maunti na ngayon ang mga booths. Same bands pati. Ayaw ko rin ng madaming tao. Bakit pa ba?

Naguiguilty ako. Aral muna. Ipinagpaliban kong makita ang Itchyworms para magsunog ng kilay. Nakakamiss ang mga ganitong aral. Pero seryosong aral iyon ha. Hindi ko nga lang natapos. Ang hirap. Pero masaya ako. Shet. Ang martir.

Ayun. Hindi natapos sa isang gabi ang pag-UP fair ko. Syempre, sinamahan ko yung date ko. Ang dami nang tao! Jusmiyo! Buti talaga nung Martes, nakapunta ako. Umambon pa noon, natakot ako na baka bumagsak ang ulan at maulit nanaman yung nangyari dati. Pero hindi sila naging hadlang sa kasiyahan ng gabi ko. "Sa gilid ng mga mata tinitignan kita." Sakto, pagtingin ko andoon siya. Ang babaw ko lang. Haha. Medyo pagod na din ako at walang magawa kaya tumambay na lang ako sa damuhan at gumawa ng homework habang tumutugtog ang mga sikat na banda. HIndi ko na nakita iyong mga tao na nagsabing pupunta kasi ang kapal ng crowd. Ewan. Basta nang lumaon mag-isa na lang ako. Hindi ko alam nangyari. Okay lang. Nagmcdo na lang ako mag-isa.

Cram. Oo, kahit umpisahan mo ng maaga, matatapos ka pa din ng huli. Hindi nanaman ako nakapasok kahit na handa na ang outfit ko. Things you do for EEE. Anyway, may something weird sa araw na ito. Friday the 13th? Hindi naman ako minamalas. Weird lang. Karamihan ng nakasama ko ngayong araw ay may something sa past ko. Ewan. Basta nakapagpasa ako ng homework.

Heto. Hindi dapat ako nandito. Napilitan lang ako. Medyo matagal dumating ang tanging pakay sa gabing ito at tulad ng ibang gabi, ang boring ko. Tumambay lang ako halos sa damuhan at naghintay. Pagod na din ako dahil ilang araw na walang tulog. Lumipas na lang ang mga oras. Sasabayan ang mga awiting nasa likod ng ulo ko ang liriko. Kumanta ako na parang sinasabi ko sa kanya. Nakikinig na parang ang awiting iyon ay para sa akin. Nakipagdaldalan. Tumawa. Naglakad-lakad. Napaidlip. Naabot ko na ata ang limit ko. AYAN NA! Dumating na sila. Yung hinihintay ko. Yung dahilan bakit kami andito. Tayo!

Malalim na ang gabi. Tumigil ang ulan. Maririnig mo ang mga damdaming sumisigaw. Langit ay puno ng bituin. Bumigla ang makukulay na bulalakaw. Umiindak sa saliw ng tadhana. Kasama ang gusto mong makasama. Hindi ka iniwan. Ano pa ba ang pwedeng hilingin?

Hindi man kumpleto tulog ko, kumpleto naman ang araw ko.

Di pa natapos doon kahit papikit-pikit na kami ng mga kasama ko. Agahan sa walang-sawang Mcdo. Tapos kinumpleto ko ang storya ko. 

Nakauwi na din. Makakatulog na ako ng mahimbing.

Random Thought of the Day

Some people will only see that small bad part in you despite trying to be good all your life. Normally, I'd take time to find out to correct it or make up for it. But then sometimes, you just get tired of it. Admit that you make mistakes. Accept that you can't please everyone. Don't let other people destroy you. You don't always have to adjust and change for all the people you meet and lose yourself somewhere along the way. Just focus more, give more time and effort to people who knows how to appreciate you and accepts you as you are. Don't waste your precious time and do something worthwhile. :))

I don't know.

I am not angry at anyone right now.

In fact, I'm happy. I have been really happy for a while. :))

There are just things I don't understand. And I got tired of always trying to understand. Again, I have to accept the fact I'm powerless. I can't always make things right all the time. I'm no superhuman and I think I should choose my fights.

Funny how a semester changed me drastically. Funny how a person or two change my way of thinking, my perspective on things. I don't know, it's just funny. 

One Minute

I googled the question, "what is the smallest unit of time?" and found out a couple of nerdy answers. Well, time. You really can't tell. You may find it that short, or too long. It might depend on one's perspective. And just like that, you don't know it's already gone.

Time's up!

Maybe, the shortest unit of time is any time duration that wasn't enough. Anyway, there won't be much of a difference if all were unfinished, hanging, waiting, undone. Maybe, it is not really about the length of time nor the speed. Maybe, it's just about moments, events, frequencies.

Time. It is just one long-term mindset of people that is both giving freedom and boundaries. And, for me, as we grow older, little by little, we become slaves of it.

Just this morning, my professor kept mentioning about time cycles, computers, human reaction time and compared things like speed. He emphasized how slow we are compared to computing powers of even the simplest computer. He also made mention of wasting the goddamned time. Okay. That is random. Meanwhile, I got information overload for other hours of the day, to think it was just a day and it wasn't really the whole day but just like, a few hours. But, I don't know how they could say a lot of those in an hour and how can it matter to students if it is really overwhelming.

Aside from those learning events. I got a couple of questions asked to me today impromptu both for a minute.

The first one is say everything that I can say that I love in a minute. The other one is, pitching a problem and solutions in a minute, strictly. I don't know, today within these one-minute talking, I got a lot of learning. 

What I mean is, this post is like another point of view of the last post. If the other is about forever, this recreates a version of the world in the smallest unit of time you can think of. In a minute there, I can't tell if I were really honest or not. I'm not sure with what I was saying because there weren't enough time. I can't think. I had my mouth to do that. And whatever goes. 

Well, I just think that time is one of the most misunderstood things. Time is like something with a lot of meaning but we all got used to the convention of it. I mean, there are a lot of things pertaining to time and just retaining all this weight to a single word, makes it a bit more complicated.

Life is short. And even within a minute or even shorter, you may realize that.

Forevermore

There is really a happy ever after, or at least, I believed there was.

I grew up in fiction where destiny and forever comes hand-in-hand. I believed that one day, there's this knight in shining armor who would appear by my window to save me from my distress. That one person, who you would know at first sight, you want to be with forever, and at first sight, you fell in love.

It does not exist.

No. It really does. Just wait.

It was not long since reality tries to shatter these illusions of mine. The moment someone snatched my dear first kiss back when I was six. The moment I realized that my parents are no more than friendly strangers to each other. The moment I first got my heart broken by reasons I don't understand. But really, I got scared, but I continue to trust people. I still believed in love and good in people. I still believed that there is this someone really meant for me.

I held long to these beliefs, together with my faith, for a long time. I just don't really remember where I lost it. Were it the times that I've watched TV and heard married couples getting divorce? Were it the time I heard my sister or my friends got their hearts broken by the person who promise to love them and will never hurt them? I know that the moment they utter the promise, they aren't lying. I believe that. But, what got wrong? What could change a mind so easily? What could tweak the events in a matter of years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds? And that is when I decided I won't be like them. If I find you, I'm gonna love you forever. I won't change my mind about that.

That was a hasty and reckless declaration. What do I know about love? I grew up in romance, but not love. Yes, I the first time I think I fell for someone, I thought it would be forever. But no, I have no plans of being with him. I just want him to be happy and that makes me happy. And yes, he was not the last. I felt the same falling for the first sight several times. And well, it was also late when I realize I got the capability to fall for a person I have already known. I never really believe that the way you look a person can really change. That person who you least think to be in love with, might be your next boyfriend. And lastly, I didn't know I am capable of getting over someone. Honestly, I can't really tell you I can forget ex's. I just can tell you I felt a different feeling now compared to the first time I saw them. I am not sure if we really get over people or we just get used to the pain.

I am actually shocked with myself. I mean, I know, I might be thinking a bit too much right now but wow. Having feelings for different people and getting over, having my heart leaping and broken and back up again over and over again, I can't believe that I can change my mind, my heart, just like the others. I know it is normal, but I am not prepared that being real means the opposite of eternity.

I can't help but be ashamed to be someone that can forget, to be someone that has the ability to stop caring. For each day that time approaches forever, the more I realize that it cease to exist in my mind. 

When did I stopped believing?

I laughed at happy endings. I doubted movies that just ended at kissing scenes. I raise my eyebrow to things that grip upon being "meant-to-be". I don't know when it started, but it just did. Right now, I question destiny and change and opportunity and choice and coincidences. And I guess, nobody really knows. I might can't help it to forget, to move on, to stop caring. I might not be able to help it to find that filthy little selfish part of the heart in all of us. But that is the best part: finding out that you are just a human. I am as powerless as I am. And if I am not able to change or be able to forget things, I won't be able to carry all those weight and I won't be able to grow. I guess forgetting is as important as remembering.

It's quite sad. Nowadays, I find it hard to grasps upon the belief of goodness and love in everybody's heart. But it's something that is also hard to let go. I mean, to myself I know I still try to be as good as I can be. I try so hard to wait for the right moment to find that someone who is also waiting for me. I still think that it's still possible, maybe now in a different sense, to find forever in moments, to hold onto destiny with your own hands and call it meant to be, to find reality even harder to believe than fiction. Well, nobody's perfect. That's what everybody also says. But there might be someone out there willing to accept our imperfections, if not forever, well at least for a lifetime. And maybe, just maybe, that is love itself.

Skew Lines

I will never admit it, as long as there's a possibility.

I can't deny the fact that I have been falling for someone lately. But then, if you only know that I grew fonder of you on recent times through recent events than that person. I found myself laughing within when people push hard on me towards that person, but I really think, I would rather cling onto you.

This isn't another love confession. Nothing. I just want to say that I find comfort from you as a friend more than what that person can give right now. I can't ask that person anything anyway. That person's so out of reach. No, no, no, I'm not using you. I am just really really fond of you.

I just can't believe that it's possible to stray so far away from first impressions. I've known you for so long and I only got the chance to be in touch just these times, but it didn't stop me from being amazed. You are amazing, and you didn't know. And sometimes, I want you to know, but I don't, because you might find it weird.

There exist these lines prior to other lines. Sometimes, they meet, sometimes, they don't. Either way, you may not cross. These are boundaries set to enclose you to the only space you can be free. 

I'm not playing with you or that person. I really like that person. And you have your own matters. 

Skew lines appear to cross at some perspective but really, they don't. It's like a paradox of you crossing my mind, but in reality, you didn't.

I'm happy to have chance like this. I think you will be one of my friends that I will cherish.

Loverage

Pinagbakasyon ko muna si feelings. Hindi ko inakalang isang araw kakatok siya muli. Either tinopak lang ako isang gabi, o legit itu kasi nagsurvive siya ng bakasyon.

Hindi siya nagsurvive ng bakasyon, nabuo siya. Hindi ko naman siya iniisipan ng ganoon dati. Pero ayon, mag-iisang linggo na simula noong tinopak ako at bigla kitang namiss.

Topak lang siguro talaga. Pero basta ganito yung nangyari.

Hindi ito si Mr. Clean. Appreciative lang ako at chaka talaga feelings ko para sa kanya. Nakarelate lang ako sa kanya one day tapos, tapos na. Interesado lang noong una pero wala talagang nabuong solid na feelings.

Lumuwas ako para magparecheck. Pumasok ng EEE, at naalala kita. Nagflash ang lahat ng memories in one blink. Hindi ko nanaman madistinguish, o madefine iyong nararamdaman ko. Lagi na lang ganito. Juice colored. LOVERAGE! Hindi ako sure kung love pero sure ako may rage. Para akong lasing noong araw na iyon. Nasa byahe ako pauwi at sobrang nagugulumihanan. Hinahanap kita ng hindi ko napapansin. Longing. Masakit. Uhaw. Baliw. Tanga.

Miss lang talaga kita hanggang ngayon. Hindi ko nga lang alam ano gagawin pag nagkita ulit tayo. Kasi wala naman tayong mapag-uusapan. Nung bakasyon nga eh hindi kita magawang gambalain kasi sino naman ako di ba? Gusto lang talaga kitang kausap. Gusto ko lang talaga iyong company mo. Lagi mo akong pinapasaya. Legit. My diliman world is not as dilim as it were. Iba ka kasi. Kaya mong magtrespass sa boundaries na sinet ko ng hindi ko namamalayan. JUSMIYO! NALILITO AKO!

Ito na siguro ang isa sa pinakaweird na sitwasyon ko ever. Bago pa man magkaroon, naisip ko na kasi. There is a thin wall between us, a thin impenetrable wall. Wala. Bukod sa wala, hindi pwede. Everytime nagtatanong ang puso ko, kinakadena siya ng mundo. 

Untouchable star. Get close and get burned. Just look at them shine from afar. It's not about deserving one, you really just can't have one.

Pag sana nagkita tayo, masagot ang mga tanong ko sa sarili ko. Pero ayon. Please, even if I can't touch you, I wanted to be as close as I can. In other words, let us remain friends. Please, even if I can't have you, I don't want to lose you.

In fairview ha! Sinusulat ko lang ito pero sakit na sa dibdib. Legit yung kadena talaga. Partly nakakainis kasi parang inaamin ko sa sarili ko na such feelings exist. Huhu. I don't want to fool you. I mean, gusto ko talagang maging friends tayo. Nakakalungkot kasing isipin na tapos na, if ever. Basta iyong feelings ko hindi naman sure. I mean, nung una wala talaga akong naiisip na ganoon. Sumagi lang noong may direktang nagtanong sakin kung meron. At hindi ko na maalis sa isip ko iyong tanong na "Meron nga ba?"

Huhu. Hindi ko naman sobrang kilala sarili ko. Pero sure akong ang tanga tanga ng ginagawa ko. At mas tanga pa kasi alam ko nang ganoon hindi ko pa masolusyonan. Umamin kaya ako na naguguluhan ako? Haha joke. Ang hirap noon. Ang weird noon. Para kong sinaksak ang sarili ko. At baka hindi mo na ako kausapin forever. Walang forever pero baka dahil doon magkaroon.

HAHA. Sana hindi ka bored at biglang mapadpad dito at mabasa mo ito. If nabasa mo, sana hindi mo maisip na ikaw. Pero on the first place, sa tingin ko naman hindi mo maiisipang tignan. :))

For the Nth time, bahala na. :)) And I miss you :))

Renaissance

It's official. Umiikot na muli ang tumigil kong mundo.

• After n iterations, nakaescape na ko sa nakamamatay, never-ending time loop ng END OF THE WORLD.

MABUHAY!

Simula ng dumating ang 2015 puro pagpapala ang nakamit ko maliban na lamang sa sakit, sa inip, sa agit na paghihintay ng mga grado. Pero ngayon, okay na. Nagbubukas na ang maraming daan patungo sa kinabukasan. My future is HD again. At siguro, hindi naman makasasakit kung mag-iisang round pa ng pagbabalik-tanaw.

2013. Kung mapapansin mo, hindi ako sumulat ng pang-2013. Ganoon ko na lang siguro siya kagustong ibaon at makalimutan. Sa bagay, parang ulit lang din siya ng 2012. Ulit-ulit. Ikot-ikot. Dahan-dahan. Hindi ko namalayan, nagana na pala ulit ang Great Depression sa loob ko. Para bang hinoholocaust itong damdamin ko. Bugbog sarado ang pagkatao ko. At kumapit na lamang ako sa bagay na hindi ko nakikita. Hindi ko nga alam kung meron talagang nasa mga kamay ko noon basta hindi ako bumitaw, malapit na, pero hindi ako bumitaw.

2014. Ang taon pagkatapos ng peak ng Dark Ages. Unang bahagi nito, wala. Wala akong maramdaman. Hindi ako masaya, hindi ako malungkot, plain lang. Nagiinarte sa love life pero chaka lang talaga. Bukod doon, naiisip kong tumakas sa ibang lugar. Handa na ko noon eh. Kung hindi nga lang naman ako nilindol ng pagkagulat nang makita kong biglang pumasa ako sa lahat ng subjects ko. Himala. May plano na talaga ako pag bumagsak ako, yun lang pag pumasa, wala pa. Basta ang sign na hiningi ko ay iyon at binigay ng hindi ko inaasahan. At doon, ako'y nangamba. Hindi ko din masasabing masaya ako kasi nalito nanaman ako. Ngunit, ang mga tala na ang nagsabi na pumasok ulit ako sa time loop at humanap ng ibang exit. At alam mo ba? Kahit na karamihan ng subjects ko ay katulad lamang ng kinuha ko noong nakaraang taon, iba ang naramdaman ko. Bahala na. Hindi ko na inisip ang ending basta ang alam ko masaya ako. Kahit na lahat ay luma, lahat ay bago. Ang gulo pero ganoon eksakto ang nararamdaman ko. Noong unang bahagi ng semsetre, oo, naging malungkot ako dahil sa mga alitan at mga problema pero sa tingin ko, naging bahagi siya kung bakit ako tumibay ngayon. Iyon nga lang, kahit na naging independent ako, sa tingin ko, mas naging makasarili ako. Hardcore! Alam mo iyong gumagawa ako ng mga bagay hindi dahil kailangan, kung hindi dahil gusto ko at masaya ako. Nagbago bigla ang pananaw ko. Hanggang sa matapos ang taon, masaya talaga ako iyon lang.

2015. Happy New Year. Oo, Happy. Sobrang saya ko ngayon. Hindi ko na masukat. Okay iyong grades ko. Okay na okay! Hindi ko na nga alam kung makatarungan pa ito. Kasi, naging habit ko nang matakot maging masaya. Sunod-sunod ang blessings, sana hindi maubos. Oo, sabi ko bahala na kung ano lumabas. I mean, kung bumagsak man ako, tatanggapin ko kasi naging masaya naman ako. Pero wala din akong plan B in case bumagsak ako ngayon. Bahala na. Buti na lang hindi nangyari, sobra sobra pa.

Sana hindi na ulit ako kainin ng wormhole. Sana tuluy-tuloy na ang aking paglalakbay. Kung may gusto man akong i-time travel, gusto ko iyong patungong future, hindi sa past. Kahit na sana suicide ang subjects ko ngayon. Sana maging masaya ako at maging worth it lahat. At iyon, natutunan kong correlated ang happiness at productivity. Kitang kita naman.

2012. 2013. 2014. You are officially done. Closed. Concluded. Credits.
2015. Here I come. Let us be friends.

What to Do Next?

Okay. I have finished Leverage and it was astonishing! I mean it was generally cool. From the start, it was really coo. The problem is, it's always cool. I mean, for all five seasons it has been consistently cool. There were no general growth or general closure to the opening except for Parker. Parker is love. It was quite a show. Well, maybe I took longer time watching it than expected. But then, after that I was afraid to ask, "What now?". Yes, I got a pile of things to watch in my data memory waiting to be touched. But gosh, I don't know what to pick and how to start. And so, I decided to have a marathon of pilot episodes today. Yeah, I got to tell someone about it. Thank you for being there blog. Here is the list of the pilot episodes I watched today according to order:

• Nero Wolfe Mystery
• Doctor Who
• Sherlock
• Breaking Bad
• Game of Thrones
• How to Get Away With Murder
• Jekyll
• Firefly
• Coupling

And I'm just going to share some thoughts about them. Note that I have only watched the pilot episode. They also differ in quality and this affects my enthusiasm and judgement sometimes. Also, while I was Breaking Bad, I got distracted by other things and it has bugged my head after that.

Nero Wolfe Mystery. Mystery set in 1940's. High production. Really familiar faces because some of them is a cast in Leverage. I don't know why but I really liked it, that vintage feeling, though every episode is really long for me. The thought of how modern-day people rebuild the past amazes me and kept me thinking how each episode will turn out. The story is okay. I mean, it's quite like a typical detective case. I mean, some parts got me curious and some parts, I got a little bit lost. Well, the scores are cool too, by the way. I'll watch this series, I'm pretty sure. Maybe, I just won't marathon it.

Doctor Who. Fantasy, quite creepy and the main character has ADHD. I am not really fascinated by the foreign beings and effects but I can say that doctor played well to make the episode interesting. It felt like I was watching one of those Sci-Fi alien stuff for teens. Anyway, even if there are many things in the episode that I wouldn't really like (like the plastic dolls, weird looking aliens, girly stuff), I actually liked it. It got me curious to know what will happen in the next episodes. I'll definitely watch it.

Sherlock. Mystery with a classic touch in the modern-day era. The pilot episode showed the arrogant side of Sherlock which I didn't expect so much. It was nice and the graphics and effects were too. I just think the mystery was a little bit too convoluted but really is simple. Maybe, the mix up of a classic and modern time didn't turn out well for me. Anyway, I like how the main characters' personality were built and introduced. The story line was too linear for me, no much thinking required. All the cards are on the table and someone else faces it up for you. But yeah, don't get me wrong. It was really nice. I'll probably watch the next episode.

Breaking Bad. Concept, introduction, cinematography and direction were great. I really loved it. I mean, I wasn't paying the whole time because like I said, I got interrupted by something, but hey, I still liked it. Along with the general story, there are hidden messages in the scenes. It felt like I was watching a nice film. It really got my taste. I'll definitely going to watch this, no doubt about it.

Game of Thrones. Lore. Kingdoms. Feels like Lord of the Rings The Series. I got bored. Aside from the fact that I got really really distracted, I wasn't able to follow the story well. I really think it was nice. It will usually appeal to my younger self who likes lore. But then, my current self got pissed off with the treatment to ladies. Well, it's understandable, though. The story is intriguing in general. It is made to be that way. This is perfect for people who loves to tell stories. Aside from that, the production is awesome. Camera angles were good, if you know what I mean. Well, it was a challenge. The production is great. The people were gorgeous and good. Overall, it is just okay. I might watch it in the future especially because of the nice hanging ending.

How to Get Away With Murder. Lawyer stuff. It was interesting. Interesting direction, interesting story. I like the main character. What I don't like is the affair of the teacher thing. Yeah, I know, it is a main part of the story and it is quite essential. I don't know, I just don't like to mix things up. You got her character established and destroyed on the same day. Yes, I like it but I think I won't like all the points it will be pointing. I am not sure what you should really get after watching the show. Maybe, I'll check out some more episodes, but I'm not certain if I'll finish it. It would depend on the story. But then, so far so good.

Jekyll. Another interesting show. Amazing showmanship from the main character. He deserves an award. The problem is, I am not so familiar with the classic story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I just know the basics. Then, I also got lost at some point. I mean for a pilot episode, I don't really understand what is the general point of the episode. The only thing I got is building the main character and that is the main problem. It's a nice story line but the episode itself is not persuasive enough to watch the next episode. Or maybe, I was looking for more evidence or more realism in the story. It has the potential. It was just not introduced properly, that is all. I like the suspense. I fell for it. I will watch the next episode because it's just a mini-series and the story is there. I think future episodes will be better.

Firefly. Futuristic space cowboy story. I'm lost all throughout. I lost focus on everything. I'm not sure if I had enough for the day or the story is really not presented well. Yes, it was hard to grasp. I mean it was set on the future but the feeling is like the present. It's just current problems on a different setting. Mixing up the space and wild wild west is cool. But then, no one really stands out for me. It's either I'll try to watch the first episode again on a better mood, or if I happen to have time and interest to watch the next episode then, why not. Maybe in the future me but as of now, I'm not into it.

Coupling. Sitcom. Comedy. Relationships. I loved it. The lines were good and witty. The scenes generally has a point. Though, I cannot compare it to the other shows since it is a different thing, it was satisfying to be the last for the day. An episode is short and light. I already watched the second episode! I'll definitely finish this.

I've never been so much of an enthusiast in these kind of things but maybe now, I am. It's not far from watching movies anyway, well, aside from the fact that in series, it is just the start of something. Funny, since I am not yet over with Leverage, I tend to react or incorporate the actors/actresses to their Leverage roles. Yeah, like it felt like Gina Bellman is like a con artist even in Coupling and Jekyll. Obviously, Timmy Hutton felt like an intelligent person in Nero Wolfe Mystery. Sterling in Leverage is still as annoying in Firefly. This was really fun. I got something to do next and there are so much of it. I hope it will be worth it like it did today.

Mr. Clean

Oo, ikaw nga Mr. Clean. Pero just as I learned it myself, I realized, it's not it. As of this vacation period, hindi ako apektado. Hindi kita naiisip. Wala akong pakialam in general.

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

At least may natututunan ako tungkol sa sarili ko. I mean, I realized you posses something na familiar. You remind me of a friend. You also remind me of myself, sometimes. That's it. Now that I got it, I think I don't want to play anymore.

There you have it. Mystery with a touch of a familiar memory catches my attention real quick. At least ganyan yung situation sa past interests ko. I think I have been looking for something that doesn't exist and ended up at your doorsteps. It doesn't matter now, does it? I mean, it's vacation. Let us take a break to overthinking activities. Bahala na next year kung ano mangyayari and that will explain everything hopefully.

Salamat na din sa lahat. Kahit papaano naging isa ka sa mga dahilan bakit naging makulay ang semestre ko. Good luck din sa iyo.

Titanic: After 2AM (Part 12)

Minsan pagkatapos ng ulan, nagkakaroon ng bahaghari, o kaya nama'y nagkakaroon ng flash floods. Minsan naman, sabay.

Ang hirap. Alam ko nag-ooverthink ako, pero ganoon talaga ako. Hobby ko na lang ang mag-ipon ng happy crush at kumota araw-araw. Umaasa nga ako na sana sila na lang talaga yung tunay kong gusto. Problem is hindi talaga, as of now.

Ang hirap talaga. Alam mo yung feeling na parang iniiwasan ka ng tao pero baka overthinker lang ako at hindi talaga pero the struggle is real. Gusto ko na talagang pigilan sarili ko. I mean nagagawa ko na siya I think kahit papaano externally pero internally, hindi ko pa din kayang pigilan sarili kong isipin ka. Ngayon nga iniisip ko kung pupunta ako sa iyo. Most likely, oo. Tapos, ano na? Ewan ko.

Napakalaking distraction sa finals week. Haha kasalanan ko naman. Pero sana sa sembreak may mangyaring kanaisnais. Bahala na. I allow myself today to have impulsive decisions.

Pero wait, may isa pa akong bagay na inooverthink. Ngayong linggo kasi, parang may instances na bumabalik yung microfeelingsko sa dati. Akala ko sa sarili ko tapos na talaga iyon. Nakakatawa. Hindi ko alam kung hindi pa talaga ako nakakamove on tapos ikaw iyong ginawa kong panakip-butas, o sa kagustuhan kong makaget over sa iyo ay ginagawa ko siyang panakip-butas. Actually, eitherway ayaw ko. Gusto ko na lang maging halaman. Gusto ko magkaroon ng normal kong gusto. Gusto ko na lang talaga gustuhin yung happy crush ko.

Kaso hindi talaga ngayon.

Watershed Transform

Ang sabaw ng una kong post tungkol sayo. Hindi ko alam. Nung binasa ko ulit, ang sabi ko na lang "WHUUUUT?!?!"

Anyway, wala pa akong naisip na tag para dito. Saka na. Edit ko na lang. Pati nga title ng post ko eh, ang random. Sorry, after effect siguro sa akin ng CoE 123 Exam. Pero bukod dun, kasi water, tapos shed, gets mo na yun.

ANYWAY ULIT, siguro dahil sa kakarelate ko sa iyo sa bodies of water, required na ata na ang post ko related sa iyo ay sabaw. HAHA.

ETO TALAGA, seryoso na.

Alam ko naman na eh. Sinabi mo from the start. Nilinaw mo ang never-ending line sa gitna nating dalawa. From that moment, sabi ko na walang patutunguhan ito. Pero wala pa din, di tumalab ang mga babala ko sa sarili at nagtuloy pa din ang damdamin sa kanyang kahangalan patungo sayo.

Tapos dumating ako sa point na hinahanap na kita. Hindi ko mapigil yung sarili ko tignan ang presence mo at hintayin ka matulog. Ano yun, routine? Well, di naman lagi. Di kita laging gusto. Pero ayon minsan, tulad ngayon. HAY NAKO! Balita ko kasi, kahapon nakapagdecide na akong iwasan ka or ilimit na yung atensyon ko sa'yo. Pero pusang gala ang hirap. 

Ngayon nga eh, hindi ko alam. Feeling ko sumosobra na ako kaya naisipan kong itigil na. Pero naiisip ko pa lang na gagawin ko, bigla kitang naiisip, biglang parang hindi ko kayang gawin, lalo na ngayon, minsan na lang kita makita.

Seryoso, nakakamiss. At nakakainis kasi nakakamiss. Akala mo andami nang pinagdaanan eh pero wala naman talaga at feeling ko wala talaga akong karapatan makamiss o makaramdam ng kahit anong extreme feelings para sa iyo. At naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil doon.

BAKIT GANITO! Bakit ang hirap? Bakit may kirot? Bakit?

BAHALA NA!

Matatapos na ang sem. Baka makalimot din ako sa bakasyon. Pero sana wag na maulit yung dati na lumala pagbalik. HAHA.

Mapaglarong tadhana, ano bang gusto mong mangyari? Bakit tayo gumagawa ng mga bagay na nakakasakit sa sarili?

Sorry dahil nahuhulog ako sa iyo, hindi ko sinasadya. Sorry sa lahat ng abala. Sorry kung hindi ko din kaya maging enough para sa iyo. Sorry kung hindi ako ang kailangan mo.

Sa sobrang kakaisip ko sa mga bagay na ito, nagimpulsive sama na lang ako sa fieldwork kahit na may exam ako sa lunes. Magpapakalunod na lang ako sa dagat doon. Ilulubog ko kasama ng feelings ko para sa iyo.

HAY! Mag-aaral na nga lang ako.

Shirtsleeves

"I can taste salt water

And if I blink again

You'll be sinking in

So we'll learn to swim in the oceans you made

I'll hold ya and you'll think of him

And pretty soon you'll be floating away"

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kanta ni Ed Sheeran ang naisip kong title para sa post na ito, or alam ko pero di ako sure. Sa tingin ko ka kasi, may point na nakuha atensyon ko sa kanta habang nakuha mo din iyong atensyon ko. Wait, sino?

Habang pinapakinggan ko si Sheeran, oo ibang kanta iyong nagustuhan ko. Basta isang araw, napansin ko na ang cute ng kantang ito. Parang ang saya niya kasi parang ang pagkakaintindi ko pa eh pag malungkot ka andito ako para sa iyo.

Oops.

Mali yung pagkakaintindi ko. Hindi pala siya masaya. Hindi talaga. At mas lalo pa nitong kinuha ang atensyon ko.

Maiba tayo. Hindi ko din alam bakit ko inaassociate ang mga tao sa kanta. At so far, madami na akong naassociate sa'yo pero ito pinili ko muna because reasons. :)

LORD! SANA HINDI HINDI NIYA ITO MABASA KAHIT IPOST KO PUBLICLY SA NET HAHA! PERO SANA PAG NABASA NIYA EITHER HINDI NIYA MAGETS OR MAGSTAY KAMI AS FRIENDS. :) HUHU friends nga ba tayo? :( (haha, wala namang nagbabasa ng posts ko eh.)

Hindi ko talaga inaacknowledge na may gusto ako sa iyo pero parang dahil sa post na ito, oo na din. Hindi ko talaga kaya maging sure sa ganitong mga feelings and sorry about that. Basta ang alam ko may times na napapaisip ako dahil sa iyo and I care for you, kahit as friends.

Anyway, kilala naman na kita beforehand pero nagstart talaga iyon nung inaya kita sumama sa akin. Wala akong feelings nung time na yon ha, nagyaya lang talaga ako kasi wala akong kasama. Tapos nagkwento ako sa iyo. Tapos nagkwento ka din. Masyado akong stressed nung araw na iyon so legit talagang wala akong ibang iniisip nung time na iyon kung hindi sarili kong problema. After that, wala pa din talaga. Pero naging concerned ako as friend. Medyo nakuha mo atensyon ko. At in fairness, nag-enjoy naman ako sa company mo. Thanks nga pala kasi nakatulong ka para ma-ease yung nararamdaman ko that time.

(Ang kulit, so saan nga nagstart?)

Well, right after. Tinuloy mo lang iyong sinasabi mo at mas nakuha mo ang atensyon ko. Tapos napaisip na ako sa sinabi mo. Tapos, inisip ko na din iyong mga sinabi mo beforehand. Mas naintindihan ko habang iniisip ko pa lalo. That moment, gusto kita yakapin at sabihing magiging okay lang ang lahat pero ang random naman nun if ever.

A few days ata after that, may ibang incident na nangyari. Nagburst ka ng feelings sa harap ko. Friend, hindi ko alam gagawin ko. I tried my best comfort you pero ang hirap mo maniwala.

At siguro dito sa mga incident na ito nagstart nga lahat. Wait, inisip ko nga pala na ganyan ka in general. I mean, hindi lang sakin. Kung nagkataon na ibang tao kasama mo, same lang nangyari at same lang yung gagawin mo. I mean, I know I'm not special pero that doesn't matter naman.

Pero legit, kahit as a friend gusto kita isave but I am as powerless. Strong ka, iyon yung alam ko. pero ayaw kitang nakikitang malungkot. Okay lang sa akin na magkwento ka tungkol sa iba mong gusto pero sana iyong nagpapasaya sa iyo hindi iyong sinasaktan ka lang lalo.

Hindi ko sinasadya itong feelings na ito pero kahit as a friend I wanted to be there for you. I want to make you feel your worth. Ayaw kong dinodown mo sarili mo kasi hindi ka kadown-down. I know for a fact that you are amazing. Yes. And I think, that is one reason bakit hindi ko maiwasang magfall.

Super weird pag sinabi ko sa iyo iyong nararamdaman ko. Una, dahil hindi ako sure. Pangalawa, ewan. Basta madaming rason.

Sorry parang wala nang flow itong post ko. Isa ito sa pinakasabog kong post ever! Haha! Alas-kwatro na ng umaga at hindi pa ako natutulog. Kanina kasi wala ako sa mood magblog tapos inipon ko ulit iyong feelings ko masulat lang ito.

Anyway, going back to the topic, sure akong gusto kong maging close sa iyo. At oo, nasa stage ako ngayon na hirap na hindian ka pag may hinihingi kang favor kahit na medyo may nasasacrifice, hindi ko siguro maiiisip.

Tapos natatawa ako nung tinanong niyo ko kung sino mga crush ko, sumisigaw na yung damdamin ko ng "IKAW! IKAW!" pero syempre sinabi ko iyong ibang minor crush ko. Tapos natatawa din ako pag nagrereact ka sa mga pinopost ko naman na nagpepertain naman sa iyo. Wala lang, medyo funny.

As of now, this state, i think mawawala din ito. Phase lang ganyan, na medyo malaki magnitude. Huhu, sana hindi ka naiirita kung randomly makulit ako. Lagi ka kasing bitin magkwento.

LORD! PLEASE SANA TALAGA! ARGHHHH!!! OO, ILANG BUWAN NA ITONG INTERNAL STRUGGLE BECAUSE OF REASONS, KAHIT HELL WEEK KO DUMADAAN SA ISIP KO PERO NAGTAGAL SIYA NANG WALA AKONG PINAGSASABIHAN.

Ang ironic lang kasi. Bakit sayo pa? Bakit ikaw pa? Bakit sa ganitong season? Bakit sa ganitong situation? Bakit? Basta ang hirap iexplain kung bakit ako nagtatanong pero yung totoo, bakit nga?

Tulad ng nature ng post na ito ang takbo ng utak ko at ng situation ko. Wala pang kasunod. Bahala na bukas. Gustuhin man kita makita at kausapin hindi ko naman alam ano sasabihin at dapat gawin. Ewan ko, siguro presence mo okay na. Basta iyon yung mga wish ko for now. Sana maging close tayo lalo at sana makamit mo yung happiness. Kapag masaya ka in any way, masaya na din ako. :) At kapag malungkot ka, dito lang ako. :)

"When salted tears won't dry

I'll wipe my shirtsleeves

Under your eyes

These hearts will be flooded tonight

I'll wipe my shirtsleeves

Under your eyes"

:))

"...Your eyes, your eyes, your eyes, your eyes, your eyes."