Pokemon

All I want is for someone to choose me over anybody.


And that, my friend alone, makes me happy. Thank you for always choosing me. Thank you, regardless if I choose you first. (Even if I'd really choose you first, too.)

*So Mag 1 year na pero di ko pa din natapos tong post na to HAHAHA di pa kasama doon yung tagal niya sa drafts kklk*

So yeah. My soul evolved through time. My feelings for you went with it. From day one, there have been multiple changes on how I see things and how I see you.

May phase na happy crush lang. May phase na galit na galit ako sa sarili ko na gusto kita. May phase na confused ako kung sino ako at ano gusto ko. May time din na go with the flow lang. May time naman na kaibigan lang talaga ako sa iyo. May time na wala akong nararamdaman. May time na ikaw ang number 2. May time na gustung-gusto kita at di ako papapigil. May evolution ng feelings na tipong ayaw kong mawala ka. Nung una kong sinulat ito, masaya lang ako sa kung anong meron tayong friendship. Pero ngayon, nasa phase ako na parang nawawala-wala na.

Ito na ba talaga? Move on na ba talaga? Final evolution na ba ito? Abangan.

MADAMING GANAP

sa loob ng isang linggo (at installment ang pagsulat ko nito kasi tuluy-tuloy ang buhay kaya sobrang sabog nito for sure), ANG DAMING GANAP!


Una, bumalik ang ulan, ngunit hindi na siya tulad dati na parang bagyo.

Sabi ko nga sa kalangitan na wag saking ipamukhang may tadhana dahil baka maniwala ako.  Pero heto, sige pa rin siya sa pagpapaniwala sa akin na may forever.

"kalimutan mo na yan. hindi ka niya mahal." sabi nga ng katabi ko ngayon. Pero heto, hindi man ako umaasa, ay hindi naman din ako makalimot.


Dapat talaga nagsusulat ako ngayon ng write-up. HAY NAKO. pero heto ako kung anu-ano ginagawa ko. Hahaha. Nakakatawa. Pinagawa mo pa ako ng write-up, eh, hindi ko alam kung anong isusulat ko. Or nakakatawang ang dami ko nang blogpost tungkol sa'yo at hindi kita magawan ngayon ng write up. Kuha ka na lang kaya ng isang post. :)) Joke lang. Pero swear, natatawa ako habang iniisip ko kung ano isusulat kong topic haha. (Friday ko ito nasulat at supposedly Saturday yung deadline pero namove ng Monday. Mga sentences after nito, mga after 2 weeks ko na nasulat kaya nag-ba na yung thought.)

NagYOLO night pa ako at hindi ko nagawa yung write-up ng Friday. Sino kasama ko? Nostalgic nga eh. Karamihan sa BERKS kasama. Okay naman. Masaya naman ako. Nagstarbucks after at Mcdo hanggang umaga at boom kung anu-ano nasulat ko. Nung mag-isa na ako sa Mcdo para akong tanga sa public kasi naiyak ako nung may nabasa akong mensahe ng kaibigan kahit na ang sabaw-sabaw. Nostalgic talaga eh. Yung kahit na di talaga maganda memories ko kasama ang berks, eventually hinahanap mo din. Ewan. Ang dami din kasing nagbago sa akin at hindi ko maiwasan isipin yung what if itong Kay-anne yung nakasama nila. Regardless of that, masaya ako na may kaibigan ako na tinanggap ako regardless ng multiple transformation niya at ako.

Anyway, nasulat ko naman yung write-up at tinanggap ng mga tao yung mga sinulat ko. Well yung isa naging honest ako ng kaunti at pinabago niya haha. Yung isa pa parang nagtapat na ko pero binago ko na din kasi ang boring.

ANYWAY, balik sa first part ng linggo. Napaisip ako sa future ko in so many perspectives. Inisip ko lang ulit mga nangyari buong linggo kasi noong buong weekend halos magkulong lang ako sa kwarto na ang kinakain lang ay ang inimbak kong pandesal. Hindi ko na talaga alam. Nag-eexist pala ang mga trabahong sa labas ng academe na possible na magustuhan ko. Napaisip tuloy ako kung magwork ba ako next sem or mas mabuti bang magchill kasi buong buhay ko naman magtratrabaho naman ako. (Decision kong ito regardless ng ulan. Mabilis din naman nawala yung feeling. Nashock lang ako sa ulan.)

Same thing sa takot ko sa elevator. Takot ako sa nararamdaman ko. Takot akong mareject. Takot ako in general. Buti na lang nakakalmado ako kapag andiyan ka. Pwede bang forever ka na lang dyan? Mas takot akong mawala ka. Kaya from time to time, bigla bigla akong nagcocompose at nagschedule ng dapat sasabihin ko sa iyo dahil gusto kong maging honest. Pero kasi pag kasama ko talaga yung mga certain people na yun nadidiscourage din ako. Sobrang nalulungkod ako pag nabribring up nila yung topic. Haha. Hindi ko naman maexplain sa kanila.

Paano ba? Ewan ko. Basta yan naisip ko nun. Bahala na si Carly Rae magexplain.

Why on What Ifs

Why am I feeling guilty about this? I mean, Why do I feel that I am cheating on someone? In the first place, I don't have someone to cheat with, and second, I don't have someone to cheat on. It's just some photo. Yes, I want to have one of it with you. But, but, he's my best friend. I feel like I'm being super inconsiderate and selfish here. But. But.

I don't even know, will I regret it? Maybe. It's not yet happening anyway.

Why am I remembering you in The Cab playlist (or with other songs that can be found in my lost phone)? Why am I being reminded of that old feeling? I mean, I still like you now but I like you differently now. Why does this have to surface again?

Why am I composing what to say to you when I know it will never reach you? Why am I planning to confess when in fact, I'm not planning to? Why will I ask you out on the first place? Why does the mere fact of thinking about it, hurts? I didn't even notice that a tear was already falling down my face. How embarrassing!

I know why I can't forget you. But why do I think this far ahead? It's not really ahead, since we won't get there. We won't get anywhere. Why do I always end up thinking about things that won't happen. It's somewhat frustrating, you know.

What's new?

One told me, "ang laki ng epekto ng crush mo sa buhay mo." Another told me, "masyado ka laging available para sa kanya." NV.

They are right. I can't stop my life to revolve around the person I like. They are right. I'll always be here for you as long as I can. Believe me, it's not really a choice. It's more of a habit. It's more of an unstoppable force inside me. It can't be helped. As absurd as it may seem, I need you now. Even this long weekend is killing me. I want to see you so badly. AND WHY THE FUCK AM I CRYING AGAIN!?! I didn't even notice.

I'm literally crazy for you.

And I didn't want you to know any of it. I don't want to lose you. But about to have our separate ways soon and who knows if we're going to be like this then.

And so I'll be thinking ahead again and say "advance I'm going to miss you" if that day comes.

Riot

Sa gitna ng katahimikan, may umaalingawngaw na kaguluhan. Hindi ito nakikita ng mata, sapagkat ito'y nasa kaloob-looban.



FRIEND! ANG HIRAP!

Alam ko sa sarili ko na kaibigan lang kita at ginagawa ko yung pagiging kaibigan. Alam kong wala lang to sayo at alam ko na pag sinabi ko baka gumuho mundo ko pero friend ang hirap pa din pala!

Ilang beses na akong muntik sumabog or something pero in the end i remain silent and composed pero deep inside, RIOT!

Swear, gusto kong maging isang legit na kaibigan for you pero tanginang feelings to! Paano ba sila patahimikin! Okay na kong ganito eh, masaya na ko sa ganitong set-up.

Hayayayay! Sana magkaroon ng kahit kaunting katahimikan ang damdamin ko. Pero sa muli, masasabi kong masaya ako.

Friend, I like you a lot

Suddenly, I got the urge to write something, though not too profound, just something casual. Well, supposedly, it should be casual, like I'm trying to make it feel like something normal. Though you might know that I really like you so I can't help but put up a poker face but my heart is jumping up and down deep inside. I just let the moments pass by and after that, I found myself looking back and smiling when no one is looking. I just can't help but look forward to tomorrow, to everyday, to every time I spend with you.

Each time that you were looking for me, each time you choose to go with me, that time when we both said "I'll go with you" at the same time, I bet those feelings in my head are running around the control room. 

No, it's just the same, I am not expecting or assuming anything. I am just happy that you acknowledge my presence. I am just happy that I can be here for you. I am happy that I may stay with you.

Well, actually, I can't figure out how long has it been and I can't count how many times my feelings towards you evolved. I can't even tell others properly because although they try to understand, they can't. But then, the more I stop myself from talking about you, the more I really do. It's really tough.

Every time our hands touch, I feel that urge to stay with you and protect you. I'm sorry though. I try to be as non-romantic friendly as possible. I try to be that friend that will be at your side when you need me rather than a lover who will hurt you. Because, you were there for me, too. You were enough for me. You were all I need at this time of my life and you have proved me your worth in the past. Your mere presence is my joy. Your joy is my ecstasy. You are my daily dosage of an essential drug. You are currently my favorite person.

You are a hard habit to break. Actually, you are a hard habit that I don't want to break. Oh, yes, there might be a tiny part of me that secretly hopes that you like me back. I can't pretend that that don't cross my mind. But then, I've settled things with myself a long time ago. I still thinks it hold true. I can't fight for you in that way. I don't have that kind of courage. You can't count me on that even if I know it won't really happen. But if it is being a friend. you can count on me.

Please, though it might not as feasible as it may sound, I want to stay like this forever. I want it to be this way even after this year. I don't want to picture losing sight of you any time soon.

Stuck

Maybe I learned my lesson. But maybe I didn't. I've known to myself that this leads to nothing. But then, I can't help it. I'm too shallow. I'm too deep. I've thrown everything and leave a piece to keep. Is this wrong? But it feels right. There's a thin line between what won't and what might.

It's been a long while and I still can’t figure out how does one heart comes pounding, and raising, and skipping, and crushing down all at the same time. How can one person’s smile bring pain of longing to have, and wanting to keep, and waiting to be, and erase all of them at once? What should I do? Well, do I have a choice? I’m always in between stop and go. I’m always too scared to start and too scared to let go.

I'm scared of losing you. Wait, let me correct that. I'm scared of being away from you. I'm not exactly losing you because from the start, I know I can't have you. Especially now, I'm stuck. I'm stuck somewhere new, yet, familiar.

Don't be mistaken. I'm not sad, not at all, not a bit. I am actually happy despite everyone else's point of view. Yes, I know that when you find out what I'm saying, I would look really helpless and pathetic but then who cares? I am happy with this. I am happy anywhere as long as it is with you.

I am stuck there. I can't help my feet from pointing at your direction. I don't know how to say no because no matter what yes means, it'll make you happy and I'll be happy too. I don't know. I think being hopeful and hopeless just differ on how you see it.

Do you know the feeling when you dream at night about falling from somewhere really high and wake up with it? That is exactly how I feel whenever I think about you. I find myself catching for breath but try to slow it down so no one would notice.

I really really really like you. And I don't know how to stop because I don't want to. And again, I'm not asking anything from you. Just stay where you are, if not, ask me to go with you. No, I won't make a move because I think that's what you wish. I just want to be stuck with you.

Taylor Answers

I asked, and she kept telling me.

"The lingering question kept me up, 2 AM, who do you love?" - Enchanted

"It's 2AM, feeling like I just lost a friend. Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me." - Breathe

"It's 2AM and I'm cursing your name. I'm so in love that I acted insane" - The Way I Loved You

"I remember that fight, 2:30 AM" - Mine

"Take me back to the creek beds we turned up, 2 AM, riding in your truck, and all I need is you next to me." - Mary's Song

"I still remember the look on your face, lit through the darkness at 1:58, the words that you whispered for just us to know, you told me you loved me so why did you go away?" - Last Kiss

"2 AM, here we are, see your face, hear my voice in the dark" - I Wish You Would

She might be right.

Monostable Multivibrator

also known as one-shot or single-swing multivibrator
it has a single stable state
one side is normally on that is forced to temporarily turn off
and the other is normally off that is forced to temporarily turn on
thus, a quasi-stable state is generated
quasi-stable, because it only lasts for a brief, predetermined period of time
the force dies down and everything will go back to the stable state
and if the next trigger comes, it will be forced to be in quasi-stable state again
and the cycle repeats.


and I think, the current condition is in stable state
where in what's supposedly on is on
and what's supposedly off is off
or so I thought
because from afar, I can't tell the difference in states
let us assume that it is like that for the moment
and that there's currently not enough force to change state
either that or it just recently died down
I really don't know
will it stay this way?
I'm not sure when will the next trigger come or will it.

At 2 AM

At 2 AM,
I was thinking,
Thinking of rainbows,
clouds, stars, sunsets
I was thinking about the sky
and I felt excited,
And then, I thought of walls,
bricks, roofs, doors,
I thought of home
and then, I felt warm.

Somewhere Not Over the Rainbow

"Maselang bahaghagi sa aking isipan, wag kang mabahala, di kita malilimutan, paglipas ng ulan ay mapapangiti ang araw, wag sana mawala ang..."

Nabihag akong muli ng bahaghari.

Sa tinagal-tagal na panahon, sa dinami-dami ko nang nasabi sa blog na ito in the past, I am about to say the same thing.

Ikaw nanaman. Heto nanaman. Hindi na ako makaalis sa landas mo. Para akong isang preso na willing bumalik sa kanyang selda nang walang pumipilit.

Isa yan sa madami kong narealize kagabi.

Sorry, ang gulo gulo ko kamakailan. Hanggang ngayon hindi ako settled. Tinatanggap ko na lang yung fact as of the moment na leaning ako towards you rather than yung alam ng madami.

Again, go with the flow. No pressure. Enjoy what we have. Ewan ko. Ito na yata iyong pinakamalapit na place na narating ko patungo sa'yo. Kaya, hindi ko maiwasan malet go kasi ito yung gusto makamit ng past self ko. Hi past self, I'm doing fine. I'll try not to screw things up. Though, ang hirap.

Bahala na. Long way to go pa ito. Madami pang magaganap. Kahit itong current self ko, magiging future past self  din ng future self ko. Hi future self, hindi ko mapredict kung ano gusto mo pero inaasa ko na sa iyo to. Good luck!

Mistake No. 3

Fool.
This is not the first time you made this mistake.
Unfortunately, it isn't the second either.
So then, how many more mistakes do you have to have to learn?

You have it.
The gold is in your hands, within your grasp, at the tip of your fingertips.
Why exchange it for some other shiny rocks, or for some broken glass pieces, or for pyrite?

Why look for something that isn't yours?
More importantly, why throw something that you have for something that you don't?

Do you enjoy tugging an invisible rope?
Do you expect winning a game without even joining?
If not, what is it, then?
What do you get from trying to cross a road and stopping in the middle of it?
What do you get from driving a car in full speed with your eyes closed?

You can't defy gravity.
When you try to jump, you'd fall.
It's a law.
So think about it, you idiot.
You knew where this is headed.
Oh yes, you knew very well what's there at the bottom.
Why wait for something you know you'd regret?

Oh, I forgot, you're a fool.
So be it.
Choose.
Hit the bottom or don't jump.
Cross at once or don't cross at all.
Open your eyes or don't drive at all.
Find a cure or prevent it.
Accept it or stop it.

It's that easy.
I know you knew that.
In fact, you're not a fool at all.
So stop pretending to be one.

We only have a limited number of fingers to count our mistakes.
Do not attempt to use them all.

You and I Both

"Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of, and others just read of, and if you could see me now, well then, I'm almost finally out of words."


What a mess, a beautiful one. :)) I don't know where this is headed. I don't know where I am to begin with. But then, I'm happy, at the same time, guilty. I'm not doing anything and nothing is going on but I feel like I'm robbing a bank or something. I never thought something like this will come. But then, I don't know what to do. How can something this wrong feel good at the same time?

Darn it you, helpless child. You're hopeless. It's okay to drop everything and go full-speed ahead, closed-eyes, but never forget to be prepared for any consequence. You don't know, you might be headed for a cliff. And in the end, no one is there at the bottom.

Not Yet

I have a confession to make. It might also be a declaration.

No.

I'm not yet over it.

After all this time, there still exist these feelings I've been trying to shut down, deny, ignore. These feelings that try to surface beyond my consciousness or anyone's knowledge. These feelings that linger in the very thought of you that puts a crescent in my face.

I don't know what to do now.  I just thought no one should find out. And I don't like the fact that I found it out. It SHOULD be over now. I SHOULD like someone else now, which is true. Well, I SHOULD stop liking you, too.

Well, I guess writing this makes it worse. But well, I can't deny it forever to myself. I can do that to all the people, but not to myself.

I hate myself. I hate how I feel and how i change so abruptly. I hate how this blog into a series of declaration of feelings. I hate how things turn out to be. I hate everything.

It's almost 2AM and I'm looking forward more to the time I'd wake up that to the time I'd sleep. I have a lot of things to do. Priorities.

Stop it.

Whatever.

I'm busy.

And no.

I'm not over it.