You, Me, Us

I don't miss you like I 'miss' you
like I've never seen you for a long while
like you're living beyond several seas
because you're just there with the reach of the hand
you're there at the range of my gaze

Definitely I don't 'miss' me as far as I know
like someone who has been lost and searching
like I've been someone I'm not
because I've been in my best lately, striving, believing
and for the first time, I think I know what I want

I miss us, clearly I miss us
I don't know if 'miss' is the best fitting word
to describe something I'm not sure if I really did obtain
but clearly, I'm longing for something
not just about you, not just about me, but us

One Minute

I googled the question, "what is the smallest unit of time?" and found out a couple of nerdy answers. Well, time. You really can't tell. You may find it that short, or too long. It might depend on one's perspective. And just like that, you don't know it's already gone.

Time's up!

Maybe, the shortest unit of time is any time duration that wasn't enough. Anyway, there won't be much of a difference if all were unfinished, hanging, waiting, undone. Maybe, it is not really about the length of time nor the speed. Maybe, it's just about moments, events, frequencies.

Time. It is just one long-term mindset of people that is both giving freedom and boundaries. And, for me, as we grow older, little by little, we become slaves of it.

Just this morning, my professor kept mentioning about time cycles, computers, human reaction time and compared things like speed. He emphasized how slow we are compared to computing powers of even the simplest computer. He also made mention of wasting the goddamned time. Okay. That is random. Meanwhile, I got information overload for other hours of the day, to think it was just a day and it wasn't really the whole day but just like, a few hours. But, I don't know how they could say a lot of those in an hour and how can it matter to students if it is really overwhelming.

Aside from those learning events. I got a couple of questions asked to me today impromptu both for a minute.

The first one is say everything that I can say that I love in a minute. The other one is, pitching a problem and solutions in a minute, strictly. I don't know, today within these one-minute talking, I got a lot of learning. 

What I mean is, this post is like another point of view of the last post. If the other is about forever, this recreates a version of the world in the smallest unit of time you can think of. In a minute there, I can't tell if I were really honest or not. I'm not sure with what I was saying because there weren't enough time. I can't think. I had my mouth to do that. And whatever goes. 

Well, I just think that time is one of the most misunderstood things. Time is like something with a lot of meaning but we all got used to the convention of it. I mean, there are a lot of things pertaining to time and just retaining all this weight to a single word, makes it a bit more complicated.

Life is short. And even within a minute or even shorter, you may realize that.

Forevermore

There is really a happy ever after, or at least, I believed there was.

I grew up in fiction where destiny and forever comes hand-in-hand. I believed that one day, there's this knight in shining armor who would appear by my window to save me from my distress. That one person, who you would know at first sight, you want to be with forever, and at first sight, you fell in love.

It does not exist.

No. It really does. Just wait.

It was not long since reality tries to shatter these illusions of mine. The moment someone snatched my dear first kiss back when I was six. The moment I realized that my parents are no more than friendly strangers to each other. The moment I first got my heart broken by reasons I don't understand. But really, I got scared, but I continue to trust people. I still believed in love and good in people. I still believed that there is this someone really meant for me.

I held long to these beliefs, together with my faith, for a long time. I just don't really remember where I lost it. Were it the times that I've watched TV and heard married couples getting divorce? Were it the time I heard my sister or my friends got their hearts broken by the person who promise to love them and will never hurt them? I know that the moment they utter the promise, they aren't lying. I believe that. But, what got wrong? What could change a mind so easily? What could tweak the events in a matter of years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds? And that is when I decided I won't be like them. If I find you, I'm gonna love you forever. I won't change my mind about that.

That was a hasty and reckless declaration. What do I know about love? I grew up in romance, but not love. Yes, I the first time I think I fell for someone, I thought it would be forever. But no, I have no plans of being with him. I just want him to be happy and that makes me happy. And yes, he was not the last. I felt the same falling for the first sight several times. And well, it was also late when I realize I got the capability to fall for a person I have already known. I never really believe that the way you look a person can really change. That person who you least think to be in love with, might be your next boyfriend. And lastly, I didn't know I am capable of getting over someone. Honestly, I can't really tell you I can forget ex's. I just can tell you I felt a different feeling now compared to the first time I saw them. I am not sure if we really get over people or we just get used to the pain.

I am actually shocked with myself. I mean, I know, I might be thinking a bit too much right now but wow. Having feelings for different people and getting over, having my heart leaping and broken and back up again over and over again, I can't believe that I can change my mind, my heart, just like the others. I know it is normal, but I am not prepared that being real means the opposite of eternity.

I can't help but be ashamed to be someone that can forget, to be someone that has the ability to stop caring. For each day that time approaches forever, the more I realize that it cease to exist in my mind. 

When did I stopped believing?

I laughed at happy endings. I doubted movies that just ended at kissing scenes. I raise my eyebrow to things that grip upon being "meant-to-be". I don't know when it started, but it just did. Right now, I question destiny and change and opportunity and choice and coincidences. And I guess, nobody really knows. I might can't help it to forget, to move on, to stop caring. I might not be able to help it to find that filthy little selfish part of the heart in all of us. But that is the best part: finding out that you are just a human. I am as powerless as I am. And if I am not able to change or be able to forget things, I won't be able to carry all those weight and I won't be able to grow. I guess forgetting is as important as remembering.

It's quite sad. Nowadays, I find it hard to grasps upon the belief of goodness and love in everybody's heart. But it's something that is also hard to let go. I mean, to myself I know I still try to be as good as I can be. I try so hard to wait for the right moment to find that someone who is also waiting for me. I still think that it's still possible, maybe now in a different sense, to find forever in moments, to hold onto destiny with your own hands and call it meant to be, to find reality even harder to believe than fiction. Well, nobody's perfect. That's what everybody also says. But there might be someone out there willing to accept our imperfections, if not forever, well at least for a lifetime. And maybe, just maybe, that is love itself.

Skew Lines

I will never admit it, as long as there's a possibility.

I can't deny the fact that I have been falling for someone lately. But then, if you only know that I grew fonder of you on recent times through recent events than that person. I found myself laughing within when people push hard on me towards that person, but I really think, I would rather cling onto you.

This isn't another love confession. Nothing. I just want to say that I find comfort from you as a friend more than what that person can give right now. I can't ask that person anything anyway. That person's so out of reach. No, no, no, I'm not using you. I am just really really fond of you.

I just can't believe that it's possible to stray so far away from first impressions. I've known you for so long and I only got the chance to be in touch just these times, but it didn't stop me from being amazed. You are amazing, and you didn't know. And sometimes, I want you to know, but I don't, because you might find it weird.

There exist these lines prior to other lines. Sometimes, they meet, sometimes, they don't. Either way, you may not cross. These are boundaries set to enclose you to the only space you can be free. 

I'm not playing with you or that person. I really like that person. And you have your own matters. 

Skew lines appear to cross at some perspective but really, they don't. It's like a paradox of you crossing my mind, but in reality, you didn't.

I'm happy to have chance like this. I think you will be one of my friends that I will cherish.

Ang Pagsubok

May dalawang uri ng pagsubok upang malaman ang tatag ng iyong pananalig sa isang relasyon.

Una ay yung kahit gaano mo katagal makasama, di ka pa rin nagsasawa.

Pangalawa ay yung kahit gaano mo katagal di makasama, di ka pa rin nagsasawa.

That Shimmering Gold

Grief was a terrible nightmare
As I hear these civilians groan
Filled my senses everywhere
But when I opened my eyes, I was alone

I grasped for breath and looked around
But there was nothing to see but black out
And there was nothing to hear no sound
So tried to utter words with my mouth

“Is anybody there?” I shout
And hoped, let there be light
So I used my eyes to scout
But no change was found in sight

Then, there came that roaring thunder
With the fearful flashes of bolts
An image of two opposing parties came clear
And in the middle was that shimmering gold

I tried to hide or run away
But I got nowhere farther
I don’t want to die but my life’s a stray
Then, I felt the courage within gather

I opened my eyes afraid
Then again, I thought I was alone
But now, three parties were lying around me
Including the civilians who groaned


I did this poem at night. It was my hobby. I didn’t know how it would be interpreted by others but the truth, it’s about humanity. When people fight over riches and power, innocent ones get affected. The one speaking is just a person who was aware of what happened.
Actually, I was planning to pass this for The Molecules but it didn’t get there. In every year I pass one, it always gets rejected. Oh well! Whatever happens It won’t stop my hobby.

The Loveliest Thing There Is

I asked an old lady on her rocking chair
“Am I not lovely?”
She just saw a painting when she tried to stare
“You are though I can’t seem to see”

I asked a stranger holding a briefcase
“Am I not lovely?”
He just laughed in craze
“You must be out of mind, I see”

I asked my friend whom I thought so dear
“Am I not lovely?”
He turned his back on me and started to clear
“You are, if close my eyes maybe”

I asked my mother who gave me birth
“Am I not lovely?”
“You are my dear though many can’t see
Because each of us contain, the loveliest thing there is”

Here is another poem of mine. It was a rush. It is about my mother. It is about how she made me see the world. It is about how she thought me to see things beyond the naked eye and understand imperfections.
The first three stanzas were about other people’s point of view. They show an example of people who only accept what they want. But then, the last stanza shows a mother who clears everything. It was really like my mother.
I was thankful to have a mother like that.