Junctions

We were just talking earlier today and now I suddenly thought about you.

This kind of blows my mind. Two years ago, around this month, was that day. I was supposed to meet you and didn't show up. I realized I couldn't tell you in your face that I have so much feelings for you still even if we just decided to be friends because it felt something more back then and I didn't know where we were going. I did a lot of unlearning and convincing to do. I thought it was the end. Yet here we are, talking casually like we are family. In fact, our families got to know each other literally.

You are one of my best friends. You are one of the best people in the world. I know I can always count on you about anything really. I know you are one of my lifetime guaranteed company. I realized that I may have been looking at our relationship the wrong way back then and now, I think it is stronger than ever. I still love you and care for you so much and I just know to myself it will never depreciate. It is just morphing into one form to another.

You know you are one of my go-to person. You understand me in such a way no one else could. The warmth and comfort that you give off is just incomparable to anything. And I know you are one the few people who love me for who I really am. I bet a lot of your friends really value you. You were really one of the best.

Look at us. I can't believe I still have you and I'm glad I do. And you know, you will always have me. I'll always be there for you during lows and highs. I will be your forever friend.

Tilting the axis

 I haven't really written a lot in a long while. I let my thoughts circle through my head repeatedly until they make sense or until they disappear. I was scared. I know that once I wrote about something, it means I acknowledge it. And once, I acknowledge it, I can't turn back. While nothing is written, I can ALWAYS change history. That's what other people will do, act like nothing happened and reset. While I agonize or grieve over people in the past, I might just be a wrinkle in their life.

It's around 9AM in the morning and about 3 hours I'd have my first professional psych consultation. I am a bit scared. What am I going to say? I am not good with strangers. But I guess they know what they are doing. I have been going through a lot lately, like getting upset over a kid who broke my prized coffee equipment or getting my car a scratch at the back or being upset over my family's response to these events and their treatment of me. And then this other encounter with a close friend that made me forget all the other small aches. Since then, my thoughts are getting vomited non-stop as spoken words, as actions, as tears, as physical pain in my chest and for a second, I thought I stopped breathing. Although, when I look back at it again, for the past 3 weeks, I say I am generally okay and I meant it. 

I am generally okay. I am more confident now. I have the best people in my life now than ever. I have tons of other things to do and looking back, I can just really not give a fuck about more than 3 years worth of memories. Eventually, it will fade and won't seem so special. I am generally okay but when I think about the hurtful words I breakdown. Although, I think about it a little bit less recently and and I cry a little bit less too. And that's a good thing. That is a process. I know.

I am generally okay until yesterday. My yesterday's thoughts hit hard. It was not about the hurtful words anymore. I examined my past experiences that lead me to thoughts that question myself. Am I the problem? I got really exhausted, plus the feeling of regret of why I said all of those things, quite disgusting. Eventually, lead to the thought that I don't have a reason to live. Well, as you can see I'm here so I pretty much know myself when I have negative thoughts. I know it really is time to stop thinking. I slept almost the whole day and the whole night and here we are. I feel better. At the same time, I think my POV shifted a bit, a slight tilt to the axis of my world that suddenly changes my take of things. Oh don't worry, I've also experienced this before and probably part of my processing. It might be temporary or not, who knows but I really need this change of view to cope and make things make sense. Nothing really matters. You can't really trust anyone. No one will ever understand me. And that is okay. I am generally okay.

Obviously, I have already scrapped the idea of tossing the many-years relationship memories into the abyss because I am writing this. I acknowledge it. I can't say it is worthwhile. Bad endings taint even the good memories. Thinking about the good times also hurt as hell now. Nothing related to us makes me smile anymore. You just took them all away with you. So when dealing with you in my head, there are not much really to think about because I know it does not add up. You were being shitty as a self-defense and for me, though I turned out to be the bad guy in your story, it is not an excuse to disrespect me and be an asshole. Right? You have caused me a lot of trauma even in the past that I have been dealing with because I wanted to make things work. You said you wanted us to make it till the end. I have believed that. That was enough. I know I can deal with with my own problems anyway because I am strong and just one day, I knew I don't depend on you because I don't have to. But I was so willing to cater you, to take you with me in the good times and to be there for you when you need me. In the past, I have told you all of my fears so you know how to take care of me but now, you used them against me. shit. But you know, the saddest part is I can't make myself hate you so much and I can't seem to help but to also blame myself. Because I knew it from the start. Because I knew that you have these tendencies and I know we don't really match up because we have different values and different methods on things. I know all the risks and went for it anyway. I didn't ignore the signs, I know them, I have accepted them. Because, you were always willing to discuss our arguments and misunderstandings, and we always end up with a compromise or understanding each other because we pick each other every time at the end over the argument, or so I thought. I have accepted you for whoever you are because I loved you so much. I was willing to endure the pains until they dissipate. We have some weird, questionable dynamics but heck, I can do that. I have met the worst person in the world before, and what you do is nothing compared to that. So yes, it was a choice, MY choice to have you every time even if I don't really need you. All you got to do is trust me, choose me too. All you have to do is not abandon me. 

You knew I have abandonment issues. Worse, I was not even given a chance to explain after your misconceptions, fully dismissed. It was very traumatic. I swear I will never ever go back there. Who knows what you'd do next. You have just exceeded my limit and now I totally don't want you to have any place in my life. Friend, I wish you well, still. I hope you don't hurt yourself. I'm not a vengeful spirit and you know that.

For now, I will focus on my healing. It is not anywhere easy. But I always knew, I'll be fine without you.

The Sun

When I was a kid, I met this boy, the brightest person that I have ever seen...just like the sun. 

Instantly, I got drawn to the rays of light he was emanating. He reached out his hands, concurrently, dissipating every single shade of dullness and gloom in me. And that is when I have decided, I want to be like the sun... like him. 

And then, I became one, I thought. I wanted to move other people like how I was moved before. I wanted to shine brightly as I can be to take away the darkness in others' faces. It took me quite some time to realize that the sun illuminates on one side while casting a shadow through the other. I guess we cannot have it all like how we want them to be. If you are the sun, the center pull of the solar system, you know, you can only always see the brightest side in your point-of-view, which is quite sad and quite lonely. Being the centerpiece, and be surrounded by satellites that just reflect your own light as they revolve around you, you will be the only one not moving. But oh well, even the sun ain't flawless. Well, it ain't special either though. It is just like any other star in the universe. Just another star. A tiny spec of light across the galaxies. Yes, its true, I have become The Sun, but will this sun really make that much difference? Maybe not. Not at all.

Conversation 1

"This person so dear to me, wronged me."

"Are you hurt?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"How could I even get mad to someone who's just being human?"

"But then, aren't you too?"

And then it hit me. 

Finding Comfort in Regret

I want to go back to the day we met and you to talked to me. I want to go back to the day that I answered and I've decided to put you first. I was in a really bad shape then, and not at all ready, and you were too. But you decided to open up and I thought I got nothing to lose. Letting me see your vulnerabilities, how your eyes look so sad all the time and about to give up, you know, I can't help but reach out to a person as fucked up as I am. You made me feel that you needed me and I liked that, I really do, to the point that I would go extra mile even if you didn't ask me to. You were good to me. Your promises were too good to be true. I like to hear them anyway, again and again. It was then that I realized that I needed you too, in fact, might be more than you needed me. I am so happy to find comfort in you. I want to go back to that.

I want to go back to the day we met. I want to go back to where everything started and walk away. I don't think it is worth all this pain that you have been causing me. I don't think I can take another anxiety attack related to you. I don't want it to be like this everyday. I'm waiting for this suffering to be over. I do not even know if I'll ever be done getting over. You constantly go back in my mind causing so much questions, so much riot, so much insecurities but I also know that you are the only one who can cure it. Because, I believe in you, I know how much you mean what you say when you say it. What's worse is, I know it was all on me, for being stupid, for giving too much, for expecting, for not being enough. I don't want to blame you, because I know you mean well. But then, I shouldn't have risked my serenity and I shouldn't have let you in.

I want to go back to how I was before the day we met. I should have not paused my life for you. I'd click the reset button if I have to go a few years back and redo everything and change my choices. I would rather do that than suffer like this. I would rather take it all back.

What now? No rewinds in life, but I also can't move forward. I'm stuck, quite possibly, again. Why does it have to be this way (all the time)? I have been asking God, why. Because, I don't really think I can bear all this pain. I don't really regret a lot of things but I never should have met you. How can I forget you? How can I unlearn you?

I am looking forward to the day that the sun rises and you wouldn't cross my mind anymore. But for now, I'll just, stay here at this small space and tear up and tear apart.

Self-Loathing

The more time pass, the more difficult it is to be by myself. I am getting overwhelmed by all of these self-disgust and self-loathing. Coincidentally, this is the time I find it harder to express myself to others. I defensively put on fake smiles and talk a lot mostly of things I didn't mean to say even if I was trying my best to be careful with my words. I am out of control. I am a lost cause. I can't help but lose faith in everything. I can't make myself happy. There are only things I feel, that is pain or nothing. I think I am insane. I am struggling making sense out of things. And I find myself unreasonable and full of excuses (that is why I hate myself).

I fucking hate myself. I feel stupid and worthless and just a fucking burden to anyone. Actually, I am hating myself for writing this, for seeking attention, for being in the same place every time. I am not improving. I am not moving. I am just as fucked up as how I have always been that my anxiety is already the definition of me. They were all lies. Things I keep telling myself to go on, that I am loved, that I am enough, that I am getting better, that things get better. I don't feel any of it. And yes, I know it is all my fault I'm like this. Yes, I don't know how to be responsible with my words, my actions, my feelings. I cannot handle myself so I would definitely understand why others would feel the same.

Lord, if you truly are there, help me be okay. I don't know what to do anymore. I am slipping. I want to give up so badly. Save me from myself.

The Director

"When you don't know which direction you're going, look up."

When I was young, around 10 years old, I learned to utilize different mediums for expression. My mentors taught me that writing and art is a way to express yourself rather than to impress. They were one of my favorite teachers that shaped me to value arts and literature. Well, apart from this formation of passion, I lived a secured, mediocre life but still, deep within me, I am hoping for something special. Being afraid to make a mistake, I have followed the flow of river, unconciously. Unconciously because I thought or I was told that I hold my destiny in the palm of my hands, but I was there following old trails of someone else. A one-way train railway with an illusion of a choice. We don't really have much choice as kids. We can wonder, we can question innocently but at the end, what we know is all we have, and what was taught to us is all we know. Well, I remember someone told me it is okay to go out of the way sometimes, you just have to know your way back, and guess what, I never did really went out of the safe path. Except for one time. I totally went out of the way and went against the current. Yes, I know my way back, but the question was do I want to go back? Not really, but where am I headed? 

Honestly, I didn't know. I was not sure then if I was just doing things because I like to take control, or I have the power to choose not to ride on things that I don't fully agree with. (Well, it was easier to disagree that to decide on something you agree with really.) Yes, it is natural for humans to want to take control of situations and have a certain expectation of the outcome. And there, my friends, is where disappointment rise. I was so disappointed with myself at first because I feel that I was so lost. My thoughts were mixed up like fried rice (yum!), my principles were as good as the London bridge, my mind and heart and soul is in total chaos and writing (or talking to the air) was my main outlet. I dared question everything even the presence of a higher being. I didn't know what to believe in. I was just there, throwing my heart all over the place, expressing. I knew I got to take things out because I was overwhelmed with a mix of pain and nothingness, and I was overflowing with thoughts and confusion, and I can't take anything in anymore. 

I stepped a moment back to rethink. The time I thought I was lost, was the time that I was actually found. I wrote about it before. I was in fear but I knew I cannot do it alone that time. The haze was all around me so I closed my eyes, I surrendered, and there, I saw the truth, the light, a direction. "I am here, still here" I thought. It was for me, a miracle on its own. I was saved after all.

And there it was, the answer all along. We are not just God's masterpieces, we are also instruments for something great and to be able to realize that, we should learn to surrender to Him. Without Him, whenever we are aimless on what we put effort to, it can be as good as nothing. I learned that in Physics that force in the wrong direction merits less or no work done. It is the same with life. When we go full speed but we kept running in circles, we are going nowhere but the same place. It is beyond human capacity to think of His capabilities as if you have no way to prove it but you have no choice but to accept it and that is why it is called faith.

It sounds contradicting isn't it. I am always about freedom, about liberty, about having a choice. But here I am, telling you that I submitted myself. Well in fact, it is not contradicting at all, it went hand-in-hand. Imagine this, if I continued to take control of my life from when I was young, I would always, as in ALWAYS base my decisions in what I know. What I know is human capacity. But then I took the road less taken, I took the unknown, a leap of fate, and He is the only one who knew that I was meant to be there, and He knew exactly where I am going even before I do. And that is, for me, a form of freedom. I am freed of the human knowing and went beyond the bounds set by the people around me. And the moment I let Him pull my strings, it was a kind of letting go of what I was. I felt that I was so unworthy but He accepted me. It is already liberty on its own. It is an infinite number of possibilities that cannot be compared to any human mul-cho-type questions. You know why? Because He knows better. He knew what we needed despite of what we wanted for a moment. It is salvation, freedom of our limited selves.

Many years passed and I am still here, struggling through the vast darkness with nothing but my faith. I kept on walking and walking and walking. I am still on my path of building and discoveries. I am not doing this alone because He is with me all the time. I swear, if it is just me, I really suck at distinguishing good and bad. I can't tell a sign if it means to stop or to continue. I always say that my moral compass is broken and I cannot make up my mind on things. But then, it all boils down to the foundations: following the light. Light is the Truth. The only Truth is God. God is Love. Love is Joy. And Joy is our ultimate desire, and that is where we are headed if we go to the direction of the light. I may not be there yet and it might take me a long time but again, I am not alone in this journey. I know I am going to get there as long as my feet takes me to the direction of the light. Sometimes, it still gets hazy. Sometimes, currents are too strong for me, but I am letting Him in. I am letting Him to take me. I surrender the steering wheel to my Captain. I let go and let God, my Director.