Forevermore

There is really a happy ever after, or at least, I believed there was.

I grew up in fiction where destiny and forever comes hand-in-hand. I believed that one day, there's this knight in shining armor who would appear by my window to save me from my distress. That one person, who you would know at first sight, you want to be with forever, and at first sight, you fell in love.

It does not exist.

No. It really does. Just wait.

It was not long since reality tries to shatter these illusions of mine. The moment someone snatched my dear first kiss back when I was six. The moment I realized that my parents are no more than friendly strangers to each other. The moment I first got my heart broken by reasons I don't understand. But really, I got scared, but I continue to trust people. I still believed in love and good in people. I still believed that there is this someone really meant for me.

I held long to these beliefs, together with my faith, for a long time. I just don't really remember where I lost it. Were it the times that I've watched TV and heard married couples getting divorce? Were it the time I heard my sister or my friends got their hearts broken by the person who promise to love them and will never hurt them? I know that the moment they utter the promise, they aren't lying. I believe that. But, what got wrong? What could change a mind so easily? What could tweak the events in a matter of years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds? And that is when I decided I won't be like them. If I find you, I'm gonna love you forever. I won't change my mind about that.

That was a hasty and reckless declaration. What do I know about love? I grew up in romance, but not love. Yes, I the first time I think I fell for someone, I thought it would be forever. But no, I have no plans of being with him. I just want him to be happy and that makes me happy. And yes, he was not the last. I felt the same falling for the first sight several times. And well, it was also late when I realize I got the capability to fall for a person I have already known. I never really believe that the way you look a person can really change. That person who you least think to be in love with, might be your next boyfriend. And lastly, I didn't know I am capable of getting over someone. Honestly, I can't really tell you I can forget ex's. I just can tell you I felt a different feeling now compared to the first time I saw them. I am not sure if we really get over people or we just get used to the pain.

I am actually shocked with myself. I mean, I know, I might be thinking a bit too much right now but wow. Having feelings for different people and getting over, having my heart leaping and broken and back up again over and over again, I can't believe that I can change my mind, my heart, just like the others. I know it is normal, but I am not prepared that being real means the opposite of eternity.

I can't help but be ashamed to be someone that can forget, to be someone that has the ability to stop caring. For each day that time approaches forever, the more I realize that it cease to exist in my mind. 

When did I stopped believing?

I laughed at happy endings. I doubted movies that just ended at kissing scenes. I raise my eyebrow to things that grip upon being "meant-to-be". I don't know when it started, but it just did. Right now, I question destiny and change and opportunity and choice and coincidences. And I guess, nobody really knows. I might can't help it to forget, to move on, to stop caring. I might not be able to help it to find that filthy little selfish part of the heart in all of us. But that is the best part: finding out that you are just a human. I am as powerless as I am. And if I am not able to change or be able to forget things, I won't be able to carry all those weight and I won't be able to grow. I guess forgetting is as important as remembering.

It's quite sad. Nowadays, I find it hard to grasps upon the belief of goodness and love in everybody's heart. But it's something that is also hard to let go. I mean, to myself I know I still try to be as good as I can be. I try so hard to wait for the right moment to find that someone who is also waiting for me. I still think that it's still possible, maybe now in a different sense, to find forever in moments, to hold onto destiny with your own hands and call it meant to be, to find reality even harder to believe than fiction. Well, nobody's perfect. That's what everybody also says. But there might be someone out there willing to accept our imperfections, if not forever, well at least for a lifetime. And maybe, just maybe, that is love itself.

Skew Lines

I will never admit it, as long as there's a possibility.

I can't deny the fact that I have been falling for someone lately. But then, if you only know that I grew fonder of you on recent times through recent events than that person. I found myself laughing within when people push hard on me towards that person, but I really think, I would rather cling onto you.

This isn't another love confession. Nothing. I just want to say that I find comfort from you as a friend more than what that person can give right now. I can't ask that person anything anyway. That person's so out of reach. No, no, no, I'm not using you. I am just really really fond of you.

I just can't believe that it's possible to stray so far away from first impressions. I've known you for so long and I only got the chance to be in touch just these times, but it didn't stop me from being amazed. You are amazing, and you didn't know. And sometimes, I want you to know, but I don't, because you might find it weird.

There exist these lines prior to other lines. Sometimes, they meet, sometimes, they don't. Either way, you may not cross. These are boundaries set to enclose you to the only space you can be free. 

I'm not playing with you or that person. I really like that person. And you have your own matters. 

Skew lines appear to cross at some perspective but really, they don't. It's like a paradox of you crossing my mind, but in reality, you didn't.

I'm happy to have chance like this. I think you will be one of my friends that I will cherish.

Loverage

Pinagbakasyon ko muna si feelings. Hindi ko inakalang isang araw kakatok siya muli. Either tinopak lang ako isang gabi, o legit itu kasi nagsurvive siya ng bakasyon.

Hindi siya nagsurvive ng bakasyon, nabuo siya. Hindi ko naman siya iniisipan ng ganoon dati. Pero ayon, mag-iisang linggo na simula noong tinopak ako at bigla kitang namiss.

Topak lang siguro talaga. Pero basta ganito yung nangyari.

Hindi ito si Mr. Clean. Appreciative lang ako at chaka talaga feelings ko para sa kanya. Nakarelate lang ako sa kanya one day tapos, tapos na. Interesado lang noong una pero wala talagang nabuong solid na feelings.

Lumuwas ako para magparecheck. Pumasok ng EEE, at naalala kita. Nagflash ang lahat ng memories in one blink. Hindi ko nanaman madistinguish, o madefine iyong nararamdaman ko. Lagi na lang ganito. Juice colored. LOVERAGE! Hindi ako sure kung love pero sure ako may rage. Para akong lasing noong araw na iyon. Nasa byahe ako pauwi at sobrang nagugulumihanan. Hinahanap kita ng hindi ko napapansin. Longing. Masakit. Uhaw. Baliw. Tanga.

Miss lang talaga kita hanggang ngayon. Hindi ko nga lang alam ano gagawin pag nagkita ulit tayo. Kasi wala naman tayong mapag-uusapan. Nung bakasyon nga eh hindi kita magawang gambalain kasi sino naman ako di ba? Gusto lang talaga kitang kausap. Gusto ko lang talaga iyong company mo. Lagi mo akong pinapasaya. Legit. My diliman world is not as dilim as it were. Iba ka kasi. Kaya mong magtrespass sa boundaries na sinet ko ng hindi ko namamalayan. JUSMIYO! NALILITO AKO!

Ito na siguro ang isa sa pinakaweird na sitwasyon ko ever. Bago pa man magkaroon, naisip ko na kasi. There is a thin wall between us, a thin impenetrable wall. Wala. Bukod sa wala, hindi pwede. Everytime nagtatanong ang puso ko, kinakadena siya ng mundo. 

Untouchable star. Get close and get burned. Just look at them shine from afar. It's not about deserving one, you really just can't have one.

Pag sana nagkita tayo, masagot ang mga tanong ko sa sarili ko. Pero ayon. Please, even if I can't touch you, I wanted to be as close as I can. In other words, let us remain friends. Please, even if I can't have you, I don't want to lose you.

In fairview ha! Sinusulat ko lang ito pero sakit na sa dibdib. Legit yung kadena talaga. Partly nakakainis kasi parang inaamin ko sa sarili ko na such feelings exist. Huhu. I don't want to fool you. I mean, gusto ko talagang maging friends tayo. Nakakalungkot kasing isipin na tapos na, if ever. Basta iyong feelings ko hindi naman sure. I mean, nung una wala talaga akong naiisip na ganoon. Sumagi lang noong may direktang nagtanong sakin kung meron. At hindi ko na maalis sa isip ko iyong tanong na "Meron nga ba?"

Huhu. Hindi ko naman sobrang kilala sarili ko. Pero sure akong ang tanga tanga ng ginagawa ko. At mas tanga pa kasi alam ko nang ganoon hindi ko pa masolusyonan. Umamin kaya ako na naguguluhan ako? Haha joke. Ang hirap noon. Ang weird noon. Para kong sinaksak ang sarili ko. At baka hindi mo na ako kausapin forever. Walang forever pero baka dahil doon magkaroon.

HAHA. Sana hindi ka bored at biglang mapadpad dito at mabasa mo ito. If nabasa mo, sana hindi mo maisip na ikaw. Pero on the first place, sa tingin ko naman hindi mo maiisipang tignan. :))

For the Nth time, bahala na. :)) And I miss you :))

Renaissance

It's official. Umiikot na muli ang tumigil kong mundo.

• After n iterations, nakaescape na ko sa nakamamatay, never-ending time loop ng END OF THE WORLD.

MABUHAY!

Simula ng dumating ang 2015 puro pagpapala ang nakamit ko maliban na lamang sa sakit, sa inip, sa agit na paghihintay ng mga grado. Pero ngayon, okay na. Nagbubukas na ang maraming daan patungo sa kinabukasan. My future is HD again. At siguro, hindi naman makasasakit kung mag-iisang round pa ng pagbabalik-tanaw.

2013. Kung mapapansin mo, hindi ako sumulat ng pang-2013. Ganoon ko na lang siguro siya kagustong ibaon at makalimutan. Sa bagay, parang ulit lang din siya ng 2012. Ulit-ulit. Ikot-ikot. Dahan-dahan. Hindi ko namalayan, nagana na pala ulit ang Great Depression sa loob ko. Para bang hinoholocaust itong damdamin ko. Bugbog sarado ang pagkatao ko. At kumapit na lamang ako sa bagay na hindi ko nakikita. Hindi ko nga alam kung meron talagang nasa mga kamay ko noon basta hindi ako bumitaw, malapit na, pero hindi ako bumitaw.

2014. Ang taon pagkatapos ng peak ng Dark Ages. Unang bahagi nito, wala. Wala akong maramdaman. Hindi ako masaya, hindi ako malungkot, plain lang. Nagiinarte sa love life pero chaka lang talaga. Bukod doon, naiisip kong tumakas sa ibang lugar. Handa na ko noon eh. Kung hindi nga lang naman ako nilindol ng pagkagulat nang makita kong biglang pumasa ako sa lahat ng subjects ko. Himala. May plano na talaga ako pag bumagsak ako, yun lang pag pumasa, wala pa. Basta ang sign na hiningi ko ay iyon at binigay ng hindi ko inaasahan. At doon, ako'y nangamba. Hindi ko din masasabing masaya ako kasi nalito nanaman ako. Ngunit, ang mga tala na ang nagsabi na pumasok ulit ako sa time loop at humanap ng ibang exit. At alam mo ba? Kahit na karamihan ng subjects ko ay katulad lamang ng kinuha ko noong nakaraang taon, iba ang naramdaman ko. Bahala na. Hindi ko na inisip ang ending basta ang alam ko masaya ako. Kahit na lahat ay luma, lahat ay bago. Ang gulo pero ganoon eksakto ang nararamdaman ko. Noong unang bahagi ng semsetre, oo, naging malungkot ako dahil sa mga alitan at mga problema pero sa tingin ko, naging bahagi siya kung bakit ako tumibay ngayon. Iyon nga lang, kahit na naging independent ako, sa tingin ko, mas naging makasarili ako. Hardcore! Alam mo iyong gumagawa ako ng mga bagay hindi dahil kailangan, kung hindi dahil gusto ko at masaya ako. Nagbago bigla ang pananaw ko. Hanggang sa matapos ang taon, masaya talaga ako iyon lang.

2015. Happy New Year. Oo, Happy. Sobrang saya ko ngayon. Hindi ko na masukat. Okay iyong grades ko. Okay na okay! Hindi ko na nga alam kung makatarungan pa ito. Kasi, naging habit ko nang matakot maging masaya. Sunod-sunod ang blessings, sana hindi maubos. Oo, sabi ko bahala na kung ano lumabas. I mean, kung bumagsak man ako, tatanggapin ko kasi naging masaya naman ako. Pero wala din akong plan B in case bumagsak ako ngayon. Bahala na. Buti na lang hindi nangyari, sobra sobra pa.

Sana hindi na ulit ako kainin ng wormhole. Sana tuluy-tuloy na ang aking paglalakbay. Kung may gusto man akong i-time travel, gusto ko iyong patungong future, hindi sa past. Kahit na sana suicide ang subjects ko ngayon. Sana maging masaya ako at maging worth it lahat. At iyon, natutunan kong correlated ang happiness at productivity. Kitang kita naman.

2012. 2013. 2014. You are officially done. Closed. Concluded. Credits.
2015. Here I come. Let us be friends.

What to Do Next?

Okay. I have finished Leverage and it was astonishing! I mean it was generally cool. From the start, it was really coo. The problem is, it's always cool. I mean, for all five seasons it has been consistently cool. There were no general growth or general closure to the opening except for Parker. Parker is love. It was quite a show. Well, maybe I took longer time watching it than expected. But then, after that I was afraid to ask, "What now?". Yes, I got a pile of things to watch in my data memory waiting to be touched. But gosh, I don't know what to pick and how to start. And so, I decided to have a marathon of pilot episodes today. Yeah, I got to tell someone about it. Thank you for being there blog. Here is the list of the pilot episodes I watched today according to order:

• Nero Wolfe Mystery
• Doctor Who
• Sherlock
• Breaking Bad
• Game of Thrones
• How to Get Away With Murder
• Jekyll
• Firefly
• Coupling

And I'm just going to share some thoughts about them. Note that I have only watched the pilot episode. They also differ in quality and this affects my enthusiasm and judgement sometimes. Also, while I was Breaking Bad, I got distracted by other things and it has bugged my head after that.

Nero Wolfe Mystery. Mystery set in 1940's. High production. Really familiar faces because some of them is a cast in Leverage. I don't know why but I really liked it, that vintage feeling, though every episode is really long for me. The thought of how modern-day people rebuild the past amazes me and kept me thinking how each episode will turn out. The story is okay. I mean, it's quite like a typical detective case. I mean, some parts got me curious and some parts, I got a little bit lost. Well, the scores are cool too, by the way. I'll watch this series, I'm pretty sure. Maybe, I just won't marathon it.

Doctor Who. Fantasy, quite creepy and the main character has ADHD. I am not really fascinated by the foreign beings and effects but I can say that doctor played well to make the episode interesting. It felt like I was watching one of those Sci-Fi alien stuff for teens. Anyway, even if there are many things in the episode that I wouldn't really like (like the plastic dolls, weird looking aliens, girly stuff), I actually liked it. It got me curious to know what will happen in the next episodes. I'll definitely watch it.

Sherlock. Mystery with a classic touch in the modern-day era. The pilot episode showed the arrogant side of Sherlock which I didn't expect so much. It was nice and the graphics and effects were too. I just think the mystery was a little bit too convoluted but really is simple. Maybe, the mix up of a classic and modern time didn't turn out well for me. Anyway, I like how the main characters' personality were built and introduced. The story line was too linear for me, no much thinking required. All the cards are on the table and someone else faces it up for you. But yeah, don't get me wrong. It was really nice. I'll probably watch the next episode.

Breaking Bad. Concept, introduction, cinematography and direction were great. I really loved it. I mean, I wasn't paying the whole time because like I said, I got interrupted by something, but hey, I still liked it. Along with the general story, there are hidden messages in the scenes. It felt like I was watching a nice film. It really got my taste. I'll definitely going to watch this, no doubt about it.

Game of Thrones. Lore. Kingdoms. Feels like Lord of the Rings The Series. I got bored. Aside from the fact that I got really really distracted, I wasn't able to follow the story well. I really think it was nice. It will usually appeal to my younger self who likes lore. But then, my current self got pissed off with the treatment to ladies. Well, it's understandable, though. The story is intriguing in general. It is made to be that way. This is perfect for people who loves to tell stories. Aside from that, the production is awesome. Camera angles were good, if you know what I mean. Well, it was a challenge. The production is great. The people were gorgeous and good. Overall, it is just okay. I might watch it in the future especially because of the nice hanging ending.

How to Get Away With Murder. Lawyer stuff. It was interesting. Interesting direction, interesting story. I like the main character. What I don't like is the affair of the teacher thing. Yeah, I know, it is a main part of the story and it is quite essential. I don't know, I just don't like to mix things up. You got her character established and destroyed on the same day. Yes, I like it but I think I won't like all the points it will be pointing. I am not sure what you should really get after watching the show. Maybe, I'll check out some more episodes, but I'm not certain if I'll finish it. It would depend on the story. But then, so far so good.

Jekyll. Another interesting show. Amazing showmanship from the main character. He deserves an award. The problem is, I am not so familiar with the classic story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I just know the basics. Then, I also got lost at some point. I mean for a pilot episode, I don't really understand what is the general point of the episode. The only thing I got is building the main character and that is the main problem. It's a nice story line but the episode itself is not persuasive enough to watch the next episode. Or maybe, I was looking for more evidence or more realism in the story. It has the potential. It was just not introduced properly, that is all. I like the suspense. I fell for it. I will watch the next episode because it's just a mini-series and the story is there. I think future episodes will be better.

Firefly. Futuristic space cowboy story. I'm lost all throughout. I lost focus on everything. I'm not sure if I had enough for the day or the story is really not presented well. Yes, it was hard to grasp. I mean it was set on the future but the feeling is like the present. It's just current problems on a different setting. Mixing up the space and wild wild west is cool. But then, no one really stands out for me. It's either I'll try to watch the first episode again on a better mood, or if I happen to have time and interest to watch the next episode then, why not. Maybe in the future me but as of now, I'm not into it.

Coupling. Sitcom. Comedy. Relationships. I loved it. The lines were good and witty. The scenes generally has a point. Though, I cannot compare it to the other shows since it is a different thing, it was satisfying to be the last for the day. An episode is short and light. I already watched the second episode! I'll definitely finish this.

I've never been so much of an enthusiast in these kind of things but maybe now, I am. It's not far from watching movies anyway, well, aside from the fact that in series, it is just the start of something. Funny, since I am not yet over with Leverage, I tend to react or incorporate the actors/actresses to their Leverage roles. Yeah, like it felt like Gina Bellman is like a con artist even in Coupling and Jekyll. Obviously, Timmy Hutton felt like an intelligent person in Nero Wolfe Mystery. Sterling in Leverage is still as annoying in Firefly. This was really fun. I got something to do next and there are so much of it. I hope it will be worth it like it did today.

Mr. Clean

Oo, ikaw nga Mr. Clean. Pero just as I learned it myself, I realized, it's not it. As of this vacation period, hindi ako apektado. Hindi kita naiisip. Wala akong pakialam in general.

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

At least may natututunan ako tungkol sa sarili ko. I mean, I realized you posses something na familiar. You remind me of a friend. You also remind me of myself, sometimes. That's it. Now that I got it, I think I don't want to play anymore.

There you have it. Mystery with a touch of a familiar memory catches my attention real quick. At least ganyan yung situation sa past interests ko. I think I have been looking for something that doesn't exist and ended up at your doorsteps. It doesn't matter now, does it? I mean, it's vacation. Let us take a break to overthinking activities. Bahala na next year kung ano mangyayari and that will explain everything hopefully.

Salamat na din sa lahat. Kahit papaano naging isa ka sa mga dahilan bakit naging makulay ang semestre ko. Good luck din sa iyo.

Titanic: After 2AM (Part 12)

Minsan pagkatapos ng ulan, nagkakaroon ng bahaghari, o kaya nama'y nagkakaroon ng flash floods. Minsan naman, sabay.

Ang hirap. Alam ko nag-ooverthink ako, pero ganoon talaga ako. Hobby ko na lang ang mag-ipon ng happy crush at kumota araw-araw. Umaasa nga ako na sana sila na lang talaga yung tunay kong gusto. Problem is hindi talaga, as of now.

Ang hirap talaga. Alam mo yung feeling na parang iniiwasan ka ng tao pero baka overthinker lang ako at hindi talaga pero the struggle is real. Gusto ko na talagang pigilan sarili ko. I mean nagagawa ko na siya I think kahit papaano externally pero internally, hindi ko pa din kayang pigilan sarili kong isipin ka. Ngayon nga iniisip ko kung pupunta ako sa iyo. Most likely, oo. Tapos, ano na? Ewan ko.

Napakalaking distraction sa finals week. Haha kasalanan ko naman. Pero sana sa sembreak may mangyaring kanaisnais. Bahala na. I allow myself today to have impulsive decisions.

Pero wait, may isa pa akong bagay na inooverthink. Ngayong linggo kasi, parang may instances na bumabalik yung microfeelingsko sa dati. Akala ko sa sarili ko tapos na talaga iyon. Nakakatawa. Hindi ko alam kung hindi pa talaga ako nakakamove on tapos ikaw iyong ginawa kong panakip-butas, o sa kagustuhan kong makaget over sa iyo ay ginagawa ko siyang panakip-butas. Actually, eitherway ayaw ko. Gusto ko na lang maging halaman. Gusto ko magkaroon ng normal kong gusto. Gusto ko na lang talaga gustuhin yung happy crush ko.

Kaso hindi talaga ngayon.