Diversion

Another appreciation post.

Hello there! To the person who came at the very right time when I pushed away the world, thank you. 

We met two years ago. I was a hopeless student about to drop my course (or everything really) but you approached me. Since then, we became buddies and I held onto you, so tightly even if I don't know you. You didn't give up on me too. We made it, together! And, towards the end of the course, I really thought our contact will end with it. What is there to say? You obviously don't need me. You didn't need me but you stayed. And I was just talking to you today, and sometimes, I am just mystified by the thought that we have been friends for two years and we have been constantly talking. I appreciate you. I appreciate all the times you initiated talking to me since day one because sometimes, I couldn't start a conversation with anyone even if I wanted to. I still get motivated by your words and I still look forward to our plans together and how we strive to be better every time. You were my ball of positivity in this cruel world but you don't just say nice things. You make them happen. You never failed to make me smile because you always find something so genuine amidst all chaos. You were a ray of light that radiates your name that i can spell with H, O, P and E.

I hope we stay like this. I admit I still don't know much about you after all this time but I have already declared that you are my forever friend. You are one of the best people I know and you have the best intentions. (You didn't hesitate to take me in when I felt nothing.) And now, I'm back on my feet. You are the low key MVP. :)

You got my back! I'm going to pull you up if it's your turn to be in the slump. We're gonna laugh our asses about this shitty world and push our way forward. Let's put the plans we talked about into action. Let's be our best selves together. 

Junctions

We were just talking earlier today and now I suddenly thought about you.

This kind of blows my mind. Two years ago, around this month, was that day. I was supposed to meet you and didn't show up. I realized I couldn't tell you in your face that I have so much feelings for you still even if we just decided to be friends because it felt something more back then and I didn't know where we were going. I did a lot of unlearning and convincing to do. I thought it was the end. Yet here we are, talking casually like we are family. In fact, our families got to know each other literally.

You are one of my best friends. You are one of the best people in the world. I know I can always count on you about anything really. I know you are one of my lifetime guaranteed company. I realized that I may have been looking at our relationship the wrong way back then and now, I think it is stronger than ever. I still love you and care for you so much and I just know to myself it will never depreciate. It is just morphing into one form to another.

You know you are one of my go-to person. You understand me in such a way no one else could. The warmth and comfort that you give off is just incomparable to anything. And I know you are one the few people who love me for who I really am. I bet a lot of your friends really value you. You were really one of the best.

Look at us. I can't believe I still have you and I'm glad I do. And you know, you will always have me. I'll always be there for you during lows and highs. I will be your forever friend.

Tilting the axis

 I haven't really written a lot in a long while. I let my thoughts circle through my head repeatedly until they make sense or until they disappear. I was scared. I know that once I wrote about something, it means I acknowledge it. And once, I acknowledge it, I can't turn back. While nothing is written, I can ALWAYS change history. That's what other people will do, act like nothing happened and reset. While I agonize or grieve over people in the past, I might just be a wrinkle in their life.

It's around 9AM in the morning and about 3 hours I'd have my first professional psych consultation. I am a bit scared. What am I going to say? I am not good with strangers. But I guess they know what they are doing. I have been going through a lot lately, like getting upset over a kid who broke my prized coffee equipment or getting my car a scratch at the back or being upset over my family's response to these events and their treatment of me. And then this other encounter with a close friend that made me forget all the other small aches. Since then, my thoughts are getting vomited non-stop as spoken words, as actions, as tears, as physical pain in my chest and for a second, I thought I stopped breathing. Although, when I look back at it again, for the past 3 weeks, I say I am generally okay and I meant it. 

I am generally okay. I am more confident now. I have the best people in my life now than ever. I have tons of other things to do and looking back, I can just really not give a fuck about more than 3 years worth of memories. Eventually, it will fade and won't seem so special. I am generally okay but when I think about the hurtful words I breakdown. Although, I think about it a little bit less recently and and I cry a little bit less too. And that's a good thing. That is a process. I know.

I am generally okay until yesterday. My yesterday's thoughts hit hard. It was not about the hurtful words anymore. I examined my past experiences that lead me to thoughts that question myself. Am I the problem? I got really exhausted, plus the feeling of regret of why I said all of those things, quite disgusting. Eventually, lead to the thought that I don't have a reason to live. Well, as you can see I'm here so I pretty much know myself when I have negative thoughts. I know it really is time to stop thinking. I slept almost the whole day and the whole night and here we are. I feel better. At the same time, I think my POV shifted a bit, a slight tilt to the axis of my world that suddenly changes my take of things. Oh don't worry, I've also experienced this before and probably part of my processing. It might be temporary or not, who knows but I really need this change of view to cope and make things make sense. Nothing really matters. You can't really trust anyone. No one will ever understand me. And that is okay. I am generally okay.

Obviously, I have already scrapped the idea of tossing the many-years relationship memories into the abyss because I am writing this. I acknowledge it. I can't say it is worthwhile. Bad endings taint even the good memories. Thinking about the good times also hurt as hell now. Nothing related to us makes me smile anymore. You just took them all away with you. So when dealing with you in my head, there are not much really to think about because I know it does not add up. You were being shitty as a self-defense and for me, though I turned out to be the bad guy in your story, it is not an excuse to disrespect me and be an asshole. Right? You have caused me a lot of trauma even in the past that I have been dealing with because I wanted to make things work. You said you wanted us to make it till the end. I have believed that. That was enough. I know I can deal with with my own problems anyway because I am strong and just one day, I knew I don't depend on you because I don't have to. But I was so willing to cater you, to take you with me in the good times and to be there for you when you need me. In the past, I have told you all of my fears so you know how to take care of me but now, you used them against me. shit. But you know, the saddest part is I can't make myself hate you so much and I can't seem to help but to also blame myself. Because I knew it from the start. Because I knew that you have these tendencies and I know we don't really match up because we have different values and different methods on things. I know all the risks and went for it anyway. I didn't ignore the signs, I know them, I have accepted them. Because, you were always willing to discuss our arguments and misunderstandings, and we always end up with a compromise or understanding each other because we pick each other every time at the end over the argument, or so I thought. I have accepted you for whoever you are because I loved you so much. I was willing to endure the pains until they dissipate. We have some weird, questionable dynamics but heck, I can do that. I have met the worst person in the world before, and what you do is nothing compared to that. So yes, it was a choice, MY choice to have you every time even if I don't really need you. All you got to do is trust me, choose me too. All you have to do is not abandon me. 

You knew I have abandonment issues. Worse, I was not even given a chance to explain after your misconceptions, fully dismissed. It was very traumatic. I swear I will never ever go back there. Who knows what you'd do next. You have just exceeded my limit and now I totally don't want you to have any place in my life. Friend, I wish you well, still. I hope you don't hurt yourself. I'm not a vengeful spirit and you know that.

For now, I will focus on my healing. It is not anywhere easy. But I always knew, I'll be fine without you.

The Sun

When I was a kid, I met this boy, the brightest person that I have ever seen...just like the sun. 

Instantly, I got drawn to the rays of light he was emanating. He reached out his hands, concurrently, dissipating every single shade of dullness and gloom in me. And that is when I have decided, I want to be like the sun... like him. 

And then, I became one, I thought. I wanted to move other people like how I was moved before. I wanted to shine brightly as I can be to take away the darkness in others' faces. It took me quite some time to realize that the sun illuminates on one side while casting a shadow through the other. I guess we cannot have it all like how we want them to be. If you are the sun, the center pull of the solar system, you know, you can only always see the brightest side in your point-of-view, which is quite sad and quite lonely. Being the centerpiece, and be surrounded by satellites that just reflect your own light as they revolve around you, you will be the only one not moving. But oh well, even the sun ain't flawless. Well, it ain't special either though. It is just like any other star in the universe. Just another star. A tiny spec of light across the galaxies. Yes, its true, I have become The Sun, but will this sun really make that much difference? Maybe not. Not at all.

Conversation 1

"This person so dear to me, wronged me."

"Are you hurt?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"How could I even get mad to someone who's just being human?"

"But then, aren't you too?"

And then it hit me. 

Finding Comfort in Regret

I want to go back to the day we met and you to talked to me. I want to go back to the day that I answered and I've decided to put you first. I was in a really bad shape then, and not at all ready, and you were too. But you decided to open up and I thought I got nothing to lose. Letting me see your vulnerabilities, how your eyes look so sad all the time and about to give up, you know, I can't help but reach out to a person as fucked up as I am. You made me feel that you needed me and I liked that, I really do, to the point that I would go extra mile even if you didn't ask me to. You were good to me. Your promises were too good to be true. I like to hear them anyway, again and again. It was then that I realized that I needed you too, in fact, might be more than you needed me. I am so happy to find comfort in you. I want to go back to that.

I want to go back to the day we met. I want to go back to where everything started and walk away. I don't think it is worth all this pain that you have been causing me. I don't think I can take another anxiety attack related to you. I don't want it to be like this everyday. I'm waiting for this suffering to be over. I do not even know if I'll ever be done getting over. You constantly go back in my mind causing so much questions, so much riot, so much insecurities but I also know that you are the only one who can cure it. Because, I believe in you, I know how much you mean what you say when you say it. What's worse is, I know it was all on me, for being stupid, for giving too much, for expecting, for not being enough. I don't want to blame you, because I know you mean well. But then, I shouldn't have risked my serenity and I shouldn't have let you in.

I want to go back to how I was before the day we met. I should have not paused my life for you. I'd click the reset button if I have to go a few years back and redo everything and change my choices. I would rather do that than suffer like this. I would rather take it all back.

What now? No rewinds in life, but I also can't move forward. I'm stuck, quite possibly, again. Why does it have to be this way (all the time)? I have been asking God, why. Because, I don't really think I can bear all this pain. I don't really regret a lot of things but I never should have met you. How can I forget you? How can I unlearn you?

I am looking forward to the day that the sun rises and you wouldn't cross my mind anymore. But for now, I'll just, stay here at this small space and tear up and tear apart.

Self-Loathing

The more time pass, the more difficult it is to be by myself. I am getting overwhelmed by all of these self-disgust and self-loathing. Coincidentally, this is the time I find it harder to express myself to others. I defensively put on fake smiles and talk a lot mostly of things I didn't mean to say even if I was trying my best to be careful with my words. I am out of control. I am a lost cause. I can't help but lose faith in everything. I can't make myself happy. There are only things I feel, that is pain or nothing. I think I am insane. I am struggling making sense out of things. And I find myself unreasonable and full of excuses (that is why I hate myself).

I fucking hate myself. I feel stupid and worthless and just a fucking burden to anyone. Actually, I am hating myself for writing this, for seeking attention, for being in the same place every time. I am not improving. I am not moving. I am just as fucked up as how I have always been that my anxiety is already the definition of me. They were all lies. Things I keep telling myself to go on, that I am loved, that I am enough, that I am getting better, that things get better. I don't feel any of it. And yes, I know it is all my fault I'm like this. Yes, I don't know how to be responsible with my words, my actions, my feelings. I cannot handle myself so I would definitely understand why others would feel the same.

Lord, if you truly are there, help me be okay. I don't know what to do anymore. I am slipping. I want to give up so badly. Save me from myself.

The Director

"When you don't know which direction you're going, look up."

When I was young, around 10 years old, I learned to utilize different mediums for expression. My mentors taught me that writing and art is a way to express yourself rather than to impress. They were one of my favorite teachers that shaped me to value arts and literature. Well, apart from this formation of passion, I lived a secured, mediocre life but still, deep within me, I am hoping for something special. Being afraid to make a mistake, I have followed the flow of river, unconciously. Unconciously because I thought or I was told that I hold my destiny in the palm of my hands, but I was there following old trails of someone else. A one-way train railway with an illusion of a choice. We don't really have much choice as kids. We can wonder, we can question innocently but at the end, what we know is all we have, and what was taught to us is all we know. Well, I remember someone told me it is okay to go out of the way sometimes, you just have to know your way back, and guess what, I never did really went out of the safe path. Except for one time. I totally went out of the way and went against the current. Yes, I know my way back, but the question was do I want to go back? Not really, but where am I headed? 

Honestly, I didn't know. I was not sure then if I was just doing things because I like to take control, or I have the power to choose not to ride on things that I don't fully agree with. (Well, it was easier to disagree that to decide on something you agree with really.) Yes, it is natural for humans to want to take control of situations and have a certain expectation of the outcome. And there, my friends, is where disappointment rise. I was so disappointed with myself at first because I feel that I was so lost. My thoughts were mixed up like fried rice (yum!), my principles were as good as the London bridge, my mind and heart and soul is in total chaos and writing (or talking to the air) was my main outlet. I dared question everything even the presence of a higher being. I didn't know what to believe in. I was just there, throwing my heart all over the place, expressing. I knew I got to take things out because I was overwhelmed with a mix of pain and nothingness, and I was overflowing with thoughts and confusion, and I can't take anything in anymore. 

I stepped a moment back to rethink. The time I thought I was lost, was the time that I was actually found. I wrote about it before. I was in fear but I knew I cannot do it alone that time. The haze was all around me so I closed my eyes, I surrendered, and there, I saw the truth, the light, a direction. "I am here, still here" I thought. It was for me, a miracle on its own. I was saved after all.

And there it was, the answer all along. We are not just God's masterpieces, we are also instruments for something great and to be able to realize that, we should learn to surrender to Him. Without Him, whenever we are aimless on what we put effort to, it can be as good as nothing. I learned that in Physics that force in the wrong direction merits less or no work done. It is the same with life. When we go full speed but we kept running in circles, we are going nowhere but the same place. It is beyond human capacity to think of His capabilities as if you have no way to prove it but you have no choice but to accept it and that is why it is called faith.

It sounds contradicting isn't it. I am always about freedom, about liberty, about having a choice. But here I am, telling you that I submitted myself. Well in fact, it is not contradicting at all, it went hand-in-hand. Imagine this, if I continued to take control of my life from when I was young, I would always, as in ALWAYS base my decisions in what I know. What I know is human capacity. But then I took the road less taken, I took the unknown, a leap of fate, and He is the only one who knew that I was meant to be there, and He knew exactly where I am going even before I do. And that is, for me, a form of freedom. I am freed of the human knowing and went beyond the bounds set by the people around me. And the moment I let Him pull my strings, it was a kind of letting go of what I was. I felt that I was so unworthy but He accepted me. It is already liberty on its own. It is an infinite number of possibilities that cannot be compared to any human mul-cho-type questions. You know why? Because He knows better. He knew what we needed despite of what we wanted for a moment. It is salvation, freedom of our limited selves.

Many years passed and I am still here, struggling through the vast darkness with nothing but my faith. I kept on walking and walking and walking. I am still on my path of building and discoveries. I am not doing this alone because He is with me all the time. I swear, if it is just me, I really suck at distinguishing good and bad. I can't tell a sign if it means to stop or to continue. I always say that my moral compass is broken and I cannot make up my mind on things. But then, it all boils down to the foundations: following the light. Light is the Truth. The only Truth is God. God is Love. Love is Joy. And Joy is our ultimate desire, and that is where we are headed if we go to the direction of the light. I may not be there yet and it might take me a long time but again, I am not alone in this journey. I know I am going to get there as long as my feet takes me to the direction of the light. Sometimes, it still gets hazy. Sometimes, currents are too strong for me, but I am letting Him in. I am letting Him to take me. I surrender the steering wheel to my Captain. I let go and let God, my Director. 

un-self-control semi-procrastinating post

hi!

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

Sabi ko kasi sa sarili ko di muna ako magpaparamdam sa social media sites pero andito naman ako no. galing galing.

Well, nastress na ko madear! Deadline ng report ko sa Wednesday at wala pa kong nagagawa ni isang sentence. Di pa nga ako tapos magbasa, nasa kalahati pa lang ako. JSQLRD! SEND HELP! MAGPAPAMEDICAL PA KO BUKAS NG UMAGA.

Seryosoooo. Seryosoooo andami dami ko dapat time bakit ako nagcracram. Seryosooo ang aga ko nagsimula dito. TAKTE NAMAN SELF ANUBA. MAY TIME KA PA UMARTE ARTE AT MAGFEEL TRIP FEEL TRIP JAN TULA PA MORE. DI BA IMPORTANTE TO SAYO. DI BA ETO YUNG HINIHINTAY MO MATAGAL NA.

GAAAAH. di ko deserve ng kausap. di ko deserve ang simpatya ng mga tao. kailangan ko magpakamanhid, numunok ng hangin at tapusin to once and for all. pero lol andito pa ko sa blog HAHA. talino.

Alam mo ba, nagkatime pa ko magbackread sa blog ko nung weekend. #damingtime Napadpad nanaman ako dun sa mga dati ko pang mga post na (kung di tungkol sa kahangalan sa pagibig)  tungkol sa pressure, stress, depression, anxiety, suicide.

Naisip ko kaninang umaga, na ang isang pumipigil sakin magsuicide dati ay yung mere fact na lumaki ako thinking kasalanan magsuicide at takot ako gumawa ng mali. Takot din ako mamatay actually. Takot ako magpatalo sa depression kasi yung pride ko at yung pressure ng mga tao at parents. Takot ako sa sasabihin nila o makabitan ang pangalan ko ng something na di maganda. Wala lang. Nabuhay ako sa takot sa lahat ng bagay. Tapos ng phase na yun, mababawasan ka ng pake. Pero di ko kayang di maniwala sa something. At naniwala ako na may pag-asa habang may buhay.

Wala lang. Bigla ko lang naisip ito kasi napaisip ako sa recent kong narinig na non-verbatim na nagsasabing "excited akong malaman ang ending (ng life) " at may isa pang nagsabi na "what matters to God is the journey".

Naisip ko lang na siguro di ako matapang pumatay, at mixed feelings ako sa tao na kaya, leaning to humahanga ako sa tapang pero kasiiii. Nagtatalo pa din yung morals ko about killing and suicide.

Kasiiii ewan ko ba. Mahirap baguhin ang columns ng basement ng building. Pundasyon yun.

I mean, kapag andun ka sa depression, may phase ka na wala nang nagmamatter ni boses kahit nino. Journey pa bang matatawag kung tumigil yung barko mo sa gitna ng karagatan, walang hangin, walang alon, wala. O kaya may napakalaking maelstrom at stuck ka lang doon paikot ikot. Alam mo nang walang magbabago, wala nang nagmamatter, bakit di pa tapusin?

Sinasabi ko lang na stigma ang suicide. Pero, sa akin ayaw ko isipin na sila ang kriminal. Sila ang biktima. Ang murderer ay yung mental illnesses.

Swear, kinikilabutan ako kahit sa fact na sinusulat ko ito. Hindi ako comfy masyado sa topic na ito. I try to be. Kasiii, alam ko naiintindihan ko yung mga taong may stigma sa mental illness at suicide. Kasi alam ko din ang pakiramdam ng sobrang depression.

Gagi may sobrang existentialist akong phase na dinadoubt ko lahat ng bagay. Solipsism. Not that I am sure of things now though.

May sobrang tindi akong social anxiety dati grabe. Pero dahil nga may stigma at mukha akong friendly friendly at confident na tao at i dont want to look bad sa parents ko at sa mga tao. shut up lang si aqoez.

HUHUHU PLEASE LANG NAMAN. Bakit ba ang lalang extroversion ang nakikita sakin ng mga tao. GUIZE! BAKIT BA LAGI AKONG NAMIMISINTERPRET OR NAPAGKAKAMALAN. anyway, di ko kayo masisisi kung yun lang nakikita niyo kasi extroversion nga eh so duh di niyo makikita yung other things unless close tayo. pero, grabe najujudge agad ako na basta. like, minsan tinuturing ko na kaclose, tapos pag tingin mo pa din sakin mababaw na walang sense, lalayulayo muna ako hahahaha. joke lang beshies.

actually, lumaki akong walang definite alloted comfortable space. wala akong sariling kwarto, mga ganto lang virtual virtual diary diary lang. So i think next best ay understanding friends haha. huhu.

july 31, 2017 habang nakahiga sa kama nagmumukmok about life

Weekly Challenge 2: Describe your ideal partner

So, I tried to write a song that includes as much qualities to make it as vivid as possible. I want to practice imagery since Im bad at it. Seems like I failed haha.

Stanza I
You knew exactly what I want
At the right moment,  at the right time
But you didn't know what I needed
If I start a verse, will it end with a rhyme?

Refrain I
The way that you're so sure
As you brush through your hair
And your clear bright eyes
And the way you stare

Chorus I
When you said
You are everything to me
When you said
You are the one for me

Stanza II
Remember when we dance all night
And your skin shines in the moonlight
Remember when we sang all day
You plucked the strings to sweep my tears away

Refrain II
There's that tall silhouette
And that broad sly smile
I can hear a low gentle voice
From a tenth of a mile

Chorus II
And it says
You are everything to me
And you say
You are the one for me

Bridge
You understood me at my worst
Appreciate at best
You're clever from the first
But patient for the rest
Here are the rest
I'll give you the rest

Chorus III
And I say
You are everything to me
You are the one for me

The one for me

Weekly Challenge 1: "If you are going to talk to your past self, what would you tell her?"

I am a time traveler.

I often foresee what's ahead, sometimes dwell in the past, seldom, live the present. That is why, I often ask myself this question. If you look into my past writings, I have been continuously considering and conversing with both past self and future self. But this is usually just a me at a point in time. It might be different if you look at the bigger picture.

Well, being who I am right now, I have to consider all the points in time from the start until a second ago, until now. It's a causal system wherein we integrate all the x(t - t0) where t0 >= 0.

TOTAL. NERD. ALERT.

Okay. Seriously.

Whenever I talk to past me, I often just say sorry. I mean, whenever I am facing a decision-making event, I often take into consideration her dreams, her passion, her reasoning because that is how I respect her. But then, in the end, I often realize that I'm better off picking something that would benefit present or future self. That is why I don't really give advice to past self. It won't really change anything. Or if ever I can change something, I may not want it. Well, to be fair, I often say sorry to future me as well. Whenever I can't decide for the present, I pick whatever and hopes future self can handle it and I give her a great 'good luck'. 

HAHAHA! I speak as if past, present and future selves are different people. But the truth is, they might be. People change. There have already been a lot of multiple selves that I have been in the past that might not even resemble each other, even a little bit. And there are tons of different version waiting to be current me. But then, I believe that who you are right now is a product of all of your selves before today. That past self that you wanted to talk to might just be within you, sleeping. They might not come back, but they might listen.

Well, if I am given a chance wherein I can pick one time in the past and I can really travel back there and can talk to a past self and then, like, change it, I am not sure what I'm going to say. Past self is a pretty stubborn person that most likely won't take advice from anyone. So, maybe, I'll just end up going to the lowest point in time of my life and then, just be there for her and listen to her, make her feel comfortable, look at her in the eyes and say "you are worthy". I think that is all that she needed.

I'll let her know how much thankful I am for her to stay alive and to bet and to hope that her future self (ohh that's me! that's me!) has the capacity to be better. 

Hey past me! Thank you for this chance. Thank you for not giving up and believing in me. I will try not to put all your sorrows, effort, heartaches into waste. I'll do the best that I can. If you are really there within me, just sleeping, I want this to reach you and hope that you remember that you are worthy and I'll repeat it again and again  to your ears because you often forget that.

InstaPoem

So may random akong kausap and nachallenge ako na gumawa ng short verses instantly haha. Eto yun.




nothing can ever equal your love for thee
but can you leave some for me
me, a friend that you see
but i can be more if you want me to be



the risk is for me to take
but the decision is for you to make
but if our friendship is at stake
i'll be strong for your sake

acads muna

gusto ko ng century tuna

pero pag tinanong ko ano gusto mo

alam ko, di ako ang una

Pokemon

All I want is for someone to choose me over anybody.


And that, my friend alone, makes me happy. Thank you for always choosing me. Thank you, regardless if I choose you first. (Even if I'd really choose you first, too.)

*So Mag 1 year na pero di ko pa din natapos tong post na to HAHAHA di pa kasama doon yung tagal niya sa drafts kklk*

So yeah. My soul evolved through time. My feelings for you went with it. From day one, there have been multiple changes on how I see things and how I see you.

May phase na happy crush lang. May phase na galit na galit ako sa sarili ko na gusto kita. May phase na confused ako kung sino ako at ano gusto ko. May time din na go with the flow lang. May time naman na kaibigan lang talaga ako sa iyo. May time na wala akong nararamdaman. May time na ikaw ang number 2. May time na gustung-gusto kita at di ako papapigil. May evolution ng feelings na tipong ayaw kong mawala ka. Nung una kong sinulat ito, masaya lang ako sa kung anong meron tayong friendship. Pero ngayon, nasa phase ako na parang nawawala-wala na.

Ito na ba talaga? Move on na ba talaga? Final evolution na ba ito? Abangan.

To the One

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for stalling and going in circles.
I'm sorry for not searching so hard.
I'm sorry for not trying.
I'm sorry for being stuck with the wrong person all the time
and settling.
I'm sorry for not noticing you, if ever.
I'm sorry if I was too early.
I'm sorry if I am too late.
I'm sorry for giving out everything that I should be giving you to others.
I'm sorry for waiting.
I'm sorry for being impatient.
I'm sorry for not knowing you.
I'm sorry for making plans without you.
I'm sorry for sometimes thinking you weren't coming.
I'm sorry for getting tired.
I'm sorry for asking this:

"Kailan ka ba darating?" :(

MADAMING GANAP

sa loob ng isang linggo (at installment ang pagsulat ko nito kasi tuluy-tuloy ang buhay kaya sobrang sabog nito for sure), ANG DAMING GANAP!


Una, bumalik ang ulan, ngunit hindi na siya tulad dati na parang bagyo.

Sabi ko nga sa kalangitan na wag saking ipamukhang may tadhana dahil baka maniwala ako.  Pero heto, sige pa rin siya sa pagpapaniwala sa akin na may forever.

"kalimutan mo na yan. hindi ka niya mahal." sabi nga ng katabi ko ngayon. Pero heto, hindi man ako umaasa, ay hindi naman din ako makalimot.


Dapat talaga nagsusulat ako ngayon ng write-up. HAY NAKO. pero heto ako kung anu-ano ginagawa ko. Hahaha. Nakakatawa. Pinagawa mo pa ako ng write-up, eh, hindi ko alam kung anong isusulat ko. Or nakakatawang ang dami ko nang blogpost tungkol sa'yo at hindi kita magawan ngayon ng write up. Kuha ka na lang kaya ng isang post. :)) Joke lang. Pero swear, natatawa ako habang iniisip ko kung ano isusulat kong topic haha. (Friday ko ito nasulat at supposedly Saturday yung deadline pero namove ng Monday. Mga sentences after nito, mga after 2 weeks ko na nasulat kaya nag-ba na yung thought.)

NagYOLO night pa ako at hindi ko nagawa yung write-up ng Friday. Sino kasama ko? Nostalgic nga eh. Karamihan sa BERKS kasama. Okay naman. Masaya naman ako. Nagstarbucks after at Mcdo hanggang umaga at boom kung anu-ano nasulat ko. Nung mag-isa na ako sa Mcdo para akong tanga sa public kasi naiyak ako nung may nabasa akong mensahe ng kaibigan kahit na ang sabaw-sabaw. Nostalgic talaga eh. Yung kahit na di talaga maganda memories ko kasama ang berks, eventually hinahanap mo din. Ewan. Ang dami din kasing nagbago sa akin at hindi ko maiwasan isipin yung what if itong Kay-anne yung nakasama nila. Regardless of that, masaya ako na may kaibigan ako na tinanggap ako regardless ng multiple transformation niya at ako.

Anyway, nasulat ko naman yung write-up at tinanggap ng mga tao yung mga sinulat ko. Well yung isa naging honest ako ng kaunti at pinabago niya haha. Yung isa pa parang nagtapat na ko pero binago ko na din kasi ang boring.

ANYWAY, balik sa first part ng linggo. Napaisip ako sa future ko in so many perspectives. Inisip ko lang ulit mga nangyari buong linggo kasi noong buong weekend halos magkulong lang ako sa kwarto na ang kinakain lang ay ang inimbak kong pandesal. Hindi ko na talaga alam. Nag-eexist pala ang mga trabahong sa labas ng academe na possible na magustuhan ko. Napaisip tuloy ako kung magwork ba ako next sem or mas mabuti bang magchill kasi buong buhay ko naman magtratrabaho naman ako. (Decision kong ito regardless ng ulan. Mabilis din naman nawala yung feeling. Nashock lang ako sa ulan.)

Same thing sa takot ko sa elevator. Takot ako sa nararamdaman ko. Takot akong mareject. Takot ako in general. Buti na lang nakakalmado ako kapag andiyan ka. Pwede bang forever ka na lang dyan? Mas takot akong mawala ka. Kaya from time to time, bigla bigla akong nagcocompose at nagschedule ng dapat sasabihin ko sa iyo dahil gusto kong maging honest. Pero kasi pag kasama ko talaga yung mga certain people na yun nadidiscourage din ako. Sobrang nalulungkod ako pag nabribring up nila yung topic. Haha. Hindi ko naman maexplain sa kanila.

Paano ba? Ewan ko. Basta yan naisip ko nun. Bahala na si Carly Rae magexplain.

Why on What Ifs

Why am I feeling guilty about this? I mean, Why do I feel that I am cheating on someone? In the first place, I don't have someone to cheat with, and second, I don't have someone to cheat on. It's just some photo. Yes, I want to have one of it with you. But, but, he's my best friend. I feel like I'm being super inconsiderate and selfish here. But. But.

I don't even know, will I regret it? Maybe. It's not yet happening anyway.

Why am I remembering you in The Cab playlist (or with other songs that can be found in my lost phone)? Why am I being reminded of that old feeling? I mean, I still like you now but I like you differently now. Why does this have to surface again?

Why am I composing what to say to you when I know it will never reach you? Why am I planning to confess when in fact, I'm not planning to? Why will I ask you out on the first place? Why does the mere fact of thinking about it, hurts? I didn't even notice that a tear was already falling down my face. How embarrassing!

I know why I can't forget you. But why do I think this far ahead? It's not really ahead, since we won't get there. We won't get anywhere. Why do I always end up thinking about things that won't happen. It's somewhat frustrating, you know.

What's new?

One told me, "ang laki ng epekto ng crush mo sa buhay mo." Another told me, "masyado ka laging available para sa kanya." NV.

They are right. I can't stop my life to revolve around the person I like. They are right. I'll always be here for you as long as I can. Believe me, it's not really a choice. It's more of a habit. It's more of an unstoppable force inside me. It can't be helped. As absurd as it may seem, I need you now. Even this long weekend is killing me. I want to see you so badly. AND WHY THE FUCK AM I CRYING AGAIN!?! I didn't even notice.

I'm literally crazy for you.

And I didn't want you to know any of it. I don't want to lose you. But about to have our separate ways soon and who knows if we're going to be like this then.

And so I'll be thinking ahead again and say "advance I'm going to miss you" if that day comes.

Riot

Sa gitna ng katahimikan, may umaalingawngaw na kaguluhan. Hindi ito nakikita ng mata, sapagkat ito'y nasa kaloob-looban.



FRIEND! ANG HIRAP!

Alam ko sa sarili ko na kaibigan lang kita at ginagawa ko yung pagiging kaibigan. Alam kong wala lang to sayo at alam ko na pag sinabi ko baka gumuho mundo ko pero friend ang hirap pa din pala!

Ilang beses na akong muntik sumabog or something pero in the end i remain silent and composed pero deep inside, RIOT!

Swear, gusto kong maging isang legit na kaibigan for you pero tanginang feelings to! Paano ba sila patahimikin! Okay na kong ganito eh, masaya na ko sa ganitong set-up.

Hayayayay! Sana magkaroon ng kahit kaunting katahimikan ang damdamin ko. Pero sa muli, masasabi kong masaya ako.

JUICE COLORED

At syempre kung kailan cramming at hectic ang schedule, doon magsusulat ng bagong kabanata ng buhay. Tunay ngang kay rami rami kong panahon. At anong gagawin ko dito? Wala kundi pawang mga paglalahad ng sarili kong mga kahangalan.

Usually kasi, I mean, recently, masaya na ako lagi. As in walang nakakapigil sa akin. Pero yung mga mas recently, daig ko pa ang RF signals sa bilis ng voltage swing. Literal na nakangiti ako at wala pang five seconds ay matatakpan na ito ng inis at di ko man lamang namalayan na nawasak ko na yung plastic container na hawak ko. Pero masaya pa din ako, kahit papaano.

Mas madali lang ako madisappoint recently at hindi ko sure kung bakit. Naisip ko na ang root lang naman ng disappointment ay expectations that were not met so probably, I was hoping for something that I can't get. In short, ang tanga tanga ko.

Ewan ko. Mainisin ako recently pati. Naneuneutralize niya yung happiness ko. At puyat ako ngayon kasi maaga akong gumising kanina tapos natraffic pa din. Nafeefeel ko yung bigat ng eyelids ko at yung lalim ng circles sa ilalim ng mata ko.

Tapos, wednesday pa bukas. Ayaw ko ng wednesdays :< Wala kasi akong friends masyado. Tapos basta hassle pag wednesday. Let it be any other day but wednesday :<

JUICE COLORED SANA MATAPOS NA TONG WEEK NA TO GULONG GULO NA UTAK KO. Sana din matapos na yung kabilaang batikos ng mga tao sa isa't isa dahil ang hirap pumagitna. Ang hirap na naiintindihan mo both sides at ang hirap na manahimik. Ang hirap din magsalita. Ang hirap gumalaw, nakakasakal. Ang hirap ng hindi mo alam pananaw mo. Ang hirap lang talaga. UGH.

Stress.

I mean di pa sobrang laki na stress pero ngayon lang ulit ako nakaranas ng ganito for some unknown reasons kasi walang binanbat yung pinagdaanan ko in the past dito. Wala pa ngang nangyayari bakit ba stressed na ko.

Malay.

Magiging maayos din lahat. Sana. Hai.

Pasensya ka na sa mga walang katuturan kong mga reklamo sa buhay.

Friend, I like you a lot

Suddenly, I got the urge to write something, though not too profound, just something casual. Well, supposedly, it should be casual, like I'm trying to make it feel like something normal. Though you might know that I really like you so I can't help but put up a poker face but my heart is jumping up and down deep inside. I just let the moments pass by and after that, I found myself looking back and smiling when no one is looking. I just can't help but look forward to tomorrow, to everyday, to every time I spend with you.

Each time that you were looking for me, each time you choose to go with me, that time when we both said "I'll go with you" at the same time, I bet those feelings in my head are running around the control room. 

No, it's just the same, I am not expecting or assuming anything. I am just happy that you acknowledge my presence. I am just happy that I can be here for you. I am happy that I may stay with you.

Well, actually, I can't figure out how long has it been and I can't count how many times my feelings towards you evolved. I can't even tell others properly because although they try to understand, they can't. But then, the more I stop myself from talking about you, the more I really do. It's really tough.

Every time our hands touch, I feel that urge to stay with you and protect you. I'm sorry though. I try to be as non-romantic friendly as possible. I try to be that friend that will be at your side when you need me rather than a lover who will hurt you. Because, you were there for me, too. You were enough for me. You were all I need at this time of my life and you have proved me your worth in the past. Your mere presence is my joy. Your joy is my ecstasy. You are my daily dosage of an essential drug. You are currently my favorite person.

You are a hard habit to break. Actually, you are a hard habit that I don't want to break. Oh, yes, there might be a tiny part of me that secretly hopes that you like me back. I can't pretend that that don't cross my mind. But then, I've settled things with myself a long time ago. I still thinks it hold true. I can't fight for you in that way. I don't have that kind of courage. You can't count me on that even if I know it won't really happen. But if it is being a friend. you can count on me.

Please, though it might not as feasible as it may sound, I want to stay like this forever. I want it to be this way even after this year. I don't want to picture losing sight of you any time soon.

Greed

Hi blog!

It seems that I have nowhere to go but here. I really want to talk to someone about things but I'm too scared that I might go a little overboard.

You see, it's always been about me. I talk and talk and I just want someone to listen. I don't ask for advice because I know it won't work. In the end, I'll do what I want. What do I want anyway? Everything! Yes, I just realized that. At first, I thought I just can't judge right or weigh options, but really, I just want to have it all.

I realized that I'm afraid to lose anything, and to change anything because they have risk? The other day, we were in class talking about opportunity cost and I was like, I don't want to sacrifice anything. I want to gain everything and endure not to lose any as much as I can.

I think it's normal. We humans are greedy creatures. Babies cry if you don't give them the toy or food, whichever they want. It's nature, that's why we cannot eliminate it. I mean, greed plays a big role in world destruction. We just get enough of anything. When we obtain something, we want more. In short, we want everything.

Dreaming is being greedy without action. We just put light along with it to look good. Even making friends might be greedy. I mean, look, you make friends for yourself. Even if you say it's for them, you get that satisfaction. We look at them in the eye and see our reflection, and that's when we determine if we like them, if we see ourselves in their eyes.

Nevermind that. I mean, I didn't mean to say those things. I just really want to share to you how much things I want to have and I can't wait to have. Others, I know I can never obtain, and it kills me inside. Give me love! money! wisdom! Oh! Give me some more love! I thought what I only need is someone to understand me but the truth, not. If everyone is selfish enough, no one can ever understand the other because we are all busy thinking of ourselves and what we want.

It' a lonesome fight for everyone!