Finding Comfort in Regret

I want to go back to the day we met and you to talked to me. I want to go back to the day that I answered and I've decided to put you first. I was in a really bad shape then, and not at all ready, and you were too. But you decided to open up and I thought I got nothing to lose. Letting me see your vulnerabilities, how your eyes look so sad all the time and about to give up, you know, I can't help but reach out to a person as fucked up as I am. You made me feel that you needed me and I liked that, I really do, to the point that I would go extra mile even if you didn't ask me to. You were good to me. Your promises were too good to be true. I like to hear them anyway, again and again. It was then that I realized that I needed you too, in fact, might be more than you needed me. I am so happy to find comfort in you. I want to go back to that.

I want to go back to the day we met. I want to go back to where everything started and walk away. I don't think it is worth all this pain that you have been causing me. I don't think I can take another anxiety attack related to you. I don't want it to be like this everyday. I'm waiting for this suffering to be over. I do not even know if I'll ever be done getting over. You constantly go back in my mind causing so much questions, so much riot, so much insecurities but I also know that you are the only one who can cure it. Because, I believe in you, I know how much you mean what you say when you say it. What's worse is, I know it was all on me, for being stupid, for giving too much, for expecting, for not being enough. I don't want to blame you, because I know you mean well. But then, I shouldn't have risked my serenity and I shouldn't have let you in.

I want to go back to how I was before the day we met. I should have not paused my life for you. I'd click the reset button if I have to go a few years back and redo everything and change my choices. I would rather do that than suffer like this. I would rather take it all back.

What now? No rewinds in life, but I also can't move forward. I'm stuck, quite possibly, again. Why does it have to be this way (all the time)? I have been asking God, why. Because, I don't really think I can bear all this pain. I don't really regret a lot of things but I never should have met you. How can I forget you? How can I unlearn you?

I am looking forward to the day that the sun rises and you wouldn't cross my mind anymore. But for now, I'll just, stay here at this small space and tear up and tear apart.

Self-Loathing

The more time pass, the more difficult it is to be by myself. I am getting overwhelmed by all of these self-disgust and self-loathing. Coincidentally, this is the time I find it harder to express myself to others. I defensively put on fake smiles and talk a lot mostly of things I didn't mean to say even if I was trying my best to be careful with my words. I am out of control. I am a lost cause. I can't help but lose faith in everything. I can't make myself happy. There are only things I feel, that is pain or nothing. I think I am insane. I am struggling making sense out of things. And I find myself unreasonable and full of excuses (that is why I hate myself).

I fucking hate myself. I feel stupid and worthless and just a fucking burden to anyone. Actually, I am hating myself for writing this, for seeking attention, for being in the same place every time. I am not improving. I am not moving. I am just as fucked up as how I have always been that my anxiety is already the definition of me. They were all lies. Things I keep telling myself to go on, that I am loved, that I am enough, that I am getting better, that things get better. I don't feel any of it. And yes, I know it is all my fault I'm like this. Yes, I don't know how to be responsible with my words, my actions, my feelings. I cannot handle myself so I would definitely understand why others would feel the same.

Lord, if you truly are there, help me be okay. I don't know what to do anymore. I am slipping. I want to give up so badly. Save me from myself.

The Director

"When you don't know which direction you're going, look up."

When I was young, around 10 years old, I learned to utilize different mediums for expression. My mentors taught me that writing and art is a way to express yourself rather than to impress. They were one of my favorite teachers that shaped me to value arts and literature. Well, apart from this formation of passion, I lived a secured, mediocre life but still, deep within me, I am hoping for something special. Being afraid to make a mistake, I have followed the flow of river, unconciously. Unconciously because I thought or I was told that I hold my destiny in the palm of my hands, but I was there following old trails of someone else. A one-way train railway with an illusion of a choice. We don't really have much choice as kids. We can wonder, we can question innocently but at the end, what we know is all we have, and what was taught to us is all we know. Well, I remember someone told me it is okay to go out of the way sometimes, you just have to know your way back, and guess what, I never did really went out of the safe path. Except for one time. I totally went out of the way and went against the current. Yes, I know my way back, but the question was do I want to go back? Not really, but where am I headed? 

Honestly, I didn't know. I was not sure then if I was just doing things because I like to take control, or I have the power to choose not to ride on things that I don't fully agree with. (Well, it was easier to disagree that to decide on something you agree with really.) Yes, it is natural for humans to want to take control of situations and have a certain expectation of the outcome. And there, my friends, is where disappointment rise. I was so disappointed with myself at first because I feel that I was so lost. My thoughts were mixed up like fried rice (yum!), my principles were as good as the London bridge, my mind and heart and soul is in total chaos and writing (or talking to the air) was my main outlet. I dared question everything even the presence of a higher being. I didn't know what to believe in. I was just there, throwing my heart all over the place, expressing. I knew I got to take things out because I was overwhelmed with a mix of pain and nothingness, and I was overflowing with thoughts and confusion, and I can't take anything in anymore. 

I stepped a moment back to rethink. The time I thought I was lost, was the time that I was actually found. I wrote about it before. I was in fear but I knew I cannot do it alone that time. The haze was all around me so I closed my eyes, I surrendered, and there, I saw the truth, the light, a direction. "I am here, still here" I thought. It was for me, a miracle on its own. I was saved after all.

And there it was, the answer all along. We are not just God's masterpieces, we are also instruments for something great and to be able to realize that, we should learn to surrender to Him. Without Him, whenever we are aimless on what we put effort to, it can be as good as nothing. I learned that in Physics that force in the wrong direction merits less or no work done. It is the same with life. When we go full speed but we kept running in circles, we are going nowhere but the same place. It is beyond human capacity to think of His capabilities as if you have no way to prove it but you have no choice but to accept it and that is why it is called faith.

It sounds contradicting isn't it. I am always about freedom, about liberty, about having a choice. But here I am, telling you that I submitted myself. Well in fact, it is not contradicting at all, it went hand-in-hand. Imagine this, if I continued to take control of my life from when I was young, I would always, as in ALWAYS base my decisions in what I know. What I know is human capacity. But then I took the road less taken, I took the unknown, a leap of fate, and He is the only one who knew that I was meant to be there, and He knew exactly where I am going even before I do. And that is, for me, a form of freedom. I am freed of the human knowing and went beyond the bounds set by the people around me. And the moment I let Him pull my strings, it was a kind of letting go of what I was. I felt that I was so unworthy but He accepted me. It is already liberty on its own. It is an infinite number of possibilities that cannot be compared to any human mul-cho-type questions. You know why? Because He knows better. He knew what we needed despite of what we wanted for a moment. It is salvation, freedom of our limited selves.

Many years passed and I am still here, struggling through the vast darkness with nothing but my faith. I kept on walking and walking and walking. I am still on my path of building and discoveries. I am not doing this alone because He is with me all the time. I swear, if it is just me, I really suck at distinguishing good and bad. I can't tell a sign if it means to stop or to continue. I always say that my moral compass is broken and I cannot make up my mind on things. But then, it all boils down to the foundations: following the light. Light is the Truth. The only Truth is God. God is Love. Love is Joy. And Joy is our ultimate desire, and that is where we are headed if we go to the direction of the light. I may not be there yet and it might take me a long time but again, I am not alone in this journey. I know I am going to get there as long as my feet takes me to the direction of the light. Sometimes, it still gets hazy. Sometimes, currents are too strong for me, but I am letting Him in. I am letting Him to take me. I surrender the steering wheel to my Captain. I let go and let God, my Director. 

un-self-control semi-procrastinating post

hi!

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

Sabi ko kasi sa sarili ko di muna ako magpaparamdam sa social media sites pero andito naman ako no. galing galing.

Well, nastress na ko madear! Deadline ng report ko sa Wednesday at wala pa kong nagagawa ni isang sentence. Di pa nga ako tapos magbasa, nasa kalahati pa lang ako. JSQLRD! SEND HELP! MAGPAPAMEDICAL PA KO BUKAS NG UMAGA.

Seryosoooo. Seryosoooo andami dami ko dapat time bakit ako nagcracram. Seryosooo ang aga ko nagsimula dito. TAKTE NAMAN SELF ANUBA. MAY TIME KA PA UMARTE ARTE AT MAGFEEL TRIP FEEL TRIP JAN TULA PA MORE. DI BA IMPORTANTE TO SAYO. DI BA ETO YUNG HINIHINTAY MO MATAGAL NA.

GAAAAH. di ko deserve ng kausap. di ko deserve ang simpatya ng mga tao. kailangan ko magpakamanhid, numunok ng hangin at tapusin to once and for all. pero lol andito pa ko sa blog HAHA. talino.

Alam mo ba, nagkatime pa ko magbackread sa blog ko nung weekend. #damingtime Napadpad nanaman ako dun sa mga dati ko pang mga post na (kung di tungkol sa kahangalan sa pagibig)  tungkol sa pressure, stress, depression, anxiety, suicide.

Naisip ko kaninang umaga, na ang isang pumipigil sakin magsuicide dati ay yung mere fact na lumaki ako thinking kasalanan magsuicide at takot ako gumawa ng mali. Takot din ako mamatay actually. Takot ako magpatalo sa depression kasi yung pride ko at yung pressure ng mga tao at parents. Takot ako sa sasabihin nila o makabitan ang pangalan ko ng something na di maganda. Wala lang. Nabuhay ako sa takot sa lahat ng bagay. Tapos ng phase na yun, mababawasan ka ng pake. Pero di ko kayang di maniwala sa something. At naniwala ako na may pag-asa habang may buhay.

Wala lang. Bigla ko lang naisip ito kasi napaisip ako sa recent kong narinig na non-verbatim na nagsasabing "excited akong malaman ang ending (ng life) " at may isa pang nagsabi na "what matters to God is the journey".

Naisip ko lang na siguro di ako matapang pumatay, at mixed feelings ako sa tao na kaya, leaning to humahanga ako sa tapang pero kasiiii. Nagtatalo pa din yung morals ko about killing and suicide.

Kasiiii ewan ko ba. Mahirap baguhin ang columns ng basement ng building. Pundasyon yun.

I mean, kapag andun ka sa depression, may phase ka na wala nang nagmamatter ni boses kahit nino. Journey pa bang matatawag kung tumigil yung barko mo sa gitna ng karagatan, walang hangin, walang alon, wala. O kaya may napakalaking maelstrom at stuck ka lang doon paikot ikot. Alam mo nang walang magbabago, wala nang nagmamatter, bakit di pa tapusin?

Sinasabi ko lang na stigma ang suicide. Pero, sa akin ayaw ko isipin na sila ang kriminal. Sila ang biktima. Ang murderer ay yung mental illnesses.

Swear, kinikilabutan ako kahit sa fact na sinusulat ko ito. Hindi ako comfy masyado sa topic na ito. I try to be. Kasiii, alam ko naiintindihan ko yung mga taong may stigma sa mental illness at suicide. Kasi alam ko din ang pakiramdam ng sobrang depression.

Gagi may sobrang existentialist akong phase na dinadoubt ko lahat ng bagay. Solipsism. Not that I am sure of things now though.

May sobrang tindi akong social anxiety dati grabe. Pero dahil nga may stigma at mukha akong friendly friendly at confident na tao at i dont want to look bad sa parents ko at sa mga tao. shut up lang si aqoez.

HUHUHU PLEASE LANG NAMAN. Bakit ba ang lalang extroversion ang nakikita sakin ng mga tao. GUIZE! BAKIT BA LAGI AKONG NAMIMISINTERPRET OR NAPAGKAKAMALAN. anyway, di ko kayo masisisi kung yun lang nakikita niyo kasi extroversion nga eh so duh di niyo makikita yung other things unless close tayo. pero, grabe najujudge agad ako na basta. like, minsan tinuturing ko na kaclose, tapos pag tingin mo pa din sakin mababaw na walang sense, lalayulayo muna ako hahahaha. joke lang beshies.

actually, lumaki akong walang definite alloted comfortable space. wala akong sariling kwarto, mga ganto lang virtual virtual diary diary lang. So i think next best ay understanding friends haha. huhu.

july 31, 2017 habang nakahiga sa kama nagmumukmok about life

Weekly Challenge 2: Describe your ideal partner

So, I tried to write a song that includes as much qualities to make it as vivid as possible. I want to practice imagery since Im bad at it. Seems like I failed haha.

Stanza I
You knew exactly what I want
At the right moment,  at the right time
But you didn't know what I needed
If I start a verse, will it end with a rhyme?

Refrain I
The way that you're so sure
As you brush through your hair
And your clear bright eyes
And the way you stare

Chorus I
When you said
You are everything to me
When you said
You are the one for me

Stanza II
Remember when we dance all night
And your skin shines in the moonlight
Remember when we sang all day
You plucked the strings to sweep my tears away

Refrain II
There's that tall silhouette
And that broad sly smile
I can hear a low gentle voice
From a tenth of a mile

Chorus II
And it says
You are everything to me
And you say
You are the one for me

Bridge
You understood me at my worst
Appreciate at best
You're clever from the first
But patient for the rest
Here are the rest
I'll give you the rest

Chorus III
And I say
You are everything to me
You are the one for me

The one for me

Weekly Challenge 1: "If you are going to talk to your past self, what would you tell her?"

I am a time traveler.

I often foresee what's ahead, sometimes dwell in the past, seldom, live the present. That is why, I often ask myself this question. If you look into my past writings, I have been continuously considering and conversing with both past self and future self. But this is usually just a me at a point in time. It might be different if you look at the bigger picture.

Well, being who I am right now, I have to consider all the points in time from the start until a second ago, until now. It's a causal system wherein we integrate all the x(t - t0) where t0 >= 0.

TOTAL. NERD. ALERT.

Okay. Seriously.

Whenever I talk to past me, I often just say sorry. I mean, whenever I am facing a decision-making event, I often take into consideration her dreams, her passion, her reasoning because that is how I respect her. But then, in the end, I often realize that I'm better off picking something that would benefit present or future self. That is why I don't really give advice to past self. It won't really change anything. Or if ever I can change something, I may not want it. Well, to be fair, I often say sorry to future me as well. Whenever I can't decide for the present, I pick whatever and hopes future self can handle it and I give her a great 'good luck'. 

HAHAHA! I speak as if past, present and future selves are different people. But the truth is, they might be. People change. There have already been a lot of multiple selves that I have been in the past that might not even resemble each other, even a little bit. And there are tons of different version waiting to be current me. But then, I believe that who you are right now is a product of all of your selves before today. That past self that you wanted to talk to might just be within you, sleeping. They might not come back, but they might listen.

Well, if I am given a chance wherein I can pick one time in the past and I can really travel back there and can talk to a past self and then, like, change it, I am not sure what I'm going to say. Past self is a pretty stubborn person that most likely won't take advice from anyone. So, maybe, I'll just end up going to the lowest point in time of my life and then, just be there for her and listen to her, make her feel comfortable, look at her in the eyes and say "you are worthy". I think that is all that she needed.

I'll let her know how much thankful I am for her to stay alive and to bet and to hope that her future self (ohh that's me! that's me!) has the capacity to be better. 

Hey past me! Thank you for this chance. Thank you for not giving up and believing in me. I will try not to put all your sorrows, effort, heartaches into waste. I'll do the best that I can. If you are really there within me, just sleeping, I want this to reach you and hope that you remember that you are worthy and I'll repeat it again and again  to your ears because you often forget that.

InstaPoem

So may random akong kausap and nachallenge ako na gumawa ng short verses instantly haha. Eto yun.




nothing can ever equal your love for thee
but can you leave some for me
me, a friend that you see
but i can be more if you want me to be



the risk is for me to take
but the decision is for you to make
but if our friendship is at stake
i'll be strong for your sake

acads muna

gusto ko ng century tuna

pero pag tinanong ko ano gusto mo

alam ko, di ako ang una