un-self-control semi-procrastinating post

hi!

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

Sabi ko kasi sa sarili ko di muna ako magpaparamdam sa social media sites pero andito naman ako no. galing galing.

Well, nastress na ko madear! Deadline ng report ko sa Wednesday at wala pa kong nagagawa ni isang sentence. Di pa nga ako tapos magbasa, nasa kalahati pa lang ako. JSQLRD! SEND HELP! MAGPAPAMEDICAL PA KO BUKAS NG UMAGA.

Seryosoooo. Seryosoooo andami dami ko dapat time bakit ako nagcracram. Seryosooo ang aga ko nagsimula dito. TAKTE NAMAN SELF ANUBA. MAY TIME KA PA UMARTE ARTE AT MAGFEEL TRIP FEEL TRIP JAN TULA PA MORE. DI BA IMPORTANTE TO SAYO. DI BA ETO YUNG HINIHINTAY MO MATAGAL NA.

GAAAAH. di ko deserve ng kausap. di ko deserve ang simpatya ng mga tao. kailangan ko magpakamanhid, numunok ng hangin at tapusin to once and for all. pero lol andito pa ko sa blog HAHA. talino.

Alam mo ba, nagkatime pa ko magbackread sa blog ko nung weekend. #damingtime Napadpad nanaman ako dun sa mga dati ko pang mga post na (kung di tungkol sa kahangalan sa pagibig)  tungkol sa pressure, stress, depression, anxiety, suicide.

Naisip ko kaninang umaga, na ang isang pumipigil sakin magsuicide dati ay yung mere fact na lumaki ako thinking kasalanan magsuicide at takot ako gumawa ng mali. Takot din ako mamatay actually. Takot ako magpatalo sa depression kasi yung pride ko at yung pressure ng mga tao at parents. Takot ako sa sasabihin nila o makabitan ang pangalan ko ng something na di maganda. Wala lang. Nabuhay ako sa takot sa lahat ng bagay. Tapos ng phase na yun, mababawasan ka ng pake. Pero di ko kayang di maniwala sa something. At naniwala ako na may pag-asa habang may buhay.

Wala lang. Bigla ko lang naisip ito kasi napaisip ako sa recent kong narinig na non-verbatim na nagsasabing "excited akong malaman ang ending (ng life) " at may isa pang nagsabi na "what matters to God is the journey".

Naisip ko lang na siguro di ako matapang pumatay, at mixed feelings ako sa tao na kaya, leaning to humahanga ako sa tapang pero kasiiii. Nagtatalo pa din yung morals ko about killing and suicide.

Kasiiii ewan ko ba. Mahirap baguhin ang columns ng basement ng building. Pundasyon yun.

I mean, kapag andun ka sa depression, may phase ka na wala nang nagmamatter ni boses kahit nino. Journey pa bang matatawag kung tumigil yung barko mo sa gitna ng karagatan, walang hangin, walang alon, wala. O kaya may napakalaking maelstrom at stuck ka lang doon paikot ikot. Alam mo nang walang magbabago, wala nang nagmamatter, bakit di pa tapusin?

Sinasabi ko lang na stigma ang suicide. Pero, sa akin ayaw ko isipin na sila ang kriminal. Sila ang biktima. Ang murderer ay yung mental illnesses.

Swear, kinikilabutan ako kahit sa fact na sinusulat ko ito. Hindi ako comfy masyado sa topic na ito. I try to be. Kasiii, alam ko naiintindihan ko yung mga taong may stigma sa mental illness at suicide. Kasi alam ko din ang pakiramdam ng sobrang depression.

Gagi may sobrang existentialist akong phase na dinadoubt ko lahat ng bagay. Solipsism. Not that I am sure of things now though.

May sobrang tindi akong social anxiety dati grabe. Pero dahil nga may stigma at mukha akong friendly friendly at confident na tao at i dont want to look bad sa parents ko at sa mga tao. shut up lang si aqoez.

HUHUHU PLEASE LANG NAMAN. Bakit ba ang lalang extroversion ang nakikita sakin ng mga tao. GUIZE! BAKIT BA LAGI AKONG NAMIMISINTERPRET OR NAPAGKAKAMALAN. anyway, di ko kayo masisisi kung yun lang nakikita niyo kasi extroversion nga eh so duh di niyo makikita yung other things unless close tayo. pero, grabe najujudge agad ako na basta. like, minsan tinuturing ko na kaclose, tapos pag tingin mo pa din sakin mababaw na walang sense, lalayulayo muna ako hahahaha. joke lang beshies.

actually, lumaki akong walang definite alloted comfortable space. wala akong sariling kwarto, mga ganto lang virtual virtual diary diary lang. So i think next best ay understanding friends haha. huhu.

july 31, 2017 habang nakahiga sa kama nagmumukmok about life

Weekly Challenge 2: Describe your ideal partner

So, I tried to write a song that includes as much qualities to make it as vivid as possible. I want to practice imagery since Im bad at it. Seems like I failed haha.

Stanza I
You knew exactly what I want
At the right moment,  at the right time
But you didn't know what I needed
If I start a verse, will it end with a rhyme?

Refrain I
The way that you're so sure
As you brush through your hair
And your clear bright eyes
And the way you stare

Chorus I
When you said
You are everything to me
When you said
You are the one for me

Stanza II
Remember when we dance all night
And your skin shines in the moonlight
Remember when we sang all day
You plucked the strings to sweep my tears away

Refrain II
There's that tall silhouette
And that broad sly smile
I can hear a low gentle voice
From a tenth of a mile

Chorus II
And it says
You are everything to me
And you say
You are the one for me

Bridge
You understood me at my worst
Appreciate at best
You're clever from the first
But patient for the rest
Here are the rest
I'll give you the rest

Chorus III
And I say
You are everything to me
You are the one for me

The one for me

Weekly Challenge 1: "If you are going to talk to your past self, what would you tell her?"

I am a time traveler.

I often foresee what's ahead, sometimes dwell in the past, seldom, live the present. That is why, I often ask myself this question. If you look into my past writings, I have been continuously considering and conversing with both past self and future self. But this is usually just a me at a point in time. It might be different if you look at the bigger picture.

Well, being who I am right now, I have to consider all the points in time from the start until a second ago, until now. It's a causal system wherein we integrate all the x(t - t0) where t0 >= 0.

TOTAL. NERD. ALERT.

Okay. Seriously.

Whenever I talk to past me, I often just say sorry. I mean, whenever I am facing a decision-making event, I often take into consideration her dreams, her passion, her reasoning because that is how I respect her. But then, in the end, I often realize that I'm better off picking something that would benefit present or future self. That is why I don't really give advice to past self. It won't really change anything. Or if ever I can change something, I may not want it. Well, to be fair, I often say sorry to future me as well. Whenever I can't decide for the present, I pick whatever and hopes future self can handle it and I give her a great 'good luck'. 

HAHAHA! I speak as if past, present and future selves are different people. But the truth is, they might be. People change. There have already been a lot of multiple selves that I have been in the past that might not even resemble each other, even a little bit. And there are tons of different version waiting to be current me. But then, I believe that who you are right now is a product of all of your selves before today. That past self that you wanted to talk to might just be within you, sleeping. They might not come back, but they might listen.

Well, if I am given a chance wherein I can pick one time in the past and I can really travel back there and can talk to a past self and then, like, change it, I am not sure what I'm going to say. Past self is a pretty stubborn person that most likely won't take advice from anyone. So, maybe, I'll just end up going to the lowest point in time of my life and then, just be there for her and listen to her, make her feel comfortable, look at her in the eyes and say "you are worthy". I think that is all that she needed.

I'll let her know how much thankful I am for her to stay alive and to bet and to hope that her future self (ohh that's me! that's me!) has the capacity to be better. 

Hey past me! Thank you for this chance. Thank you for not giving up and believing in me. I will try not to put all your sorrows, effort, heartaches into waste. I'll do the best that I can. If you are really there within me, just sleeping, I want this to reach you and hope that you remember that you are worthy and I'll repeat it again and again  to your ears because you often forget that.

InstaPoem

So may random akong kausap and nachallenge ako na gumawa ng short verses instantly haha. Eto yun.




nothing can ever equal your love for thee
but can you leave some for me
me, a friend that you see
but i can be more if you want me to be



the risk is for me to take
but the decision is for you to make
but if our friendship is at stake
i'll be strong for your sake

acads muna

gusto ko ng century tuna

pero pag tinanong ko ano gusto mo

alam ko, di ako ang una

Pokemon

All I want is for someone to choose me over anybody.


And that, my friend alone, makes me happy. Thank you for always choosing me. Thank you, regardless if I choose you first. (Even if I'd really choose you first, too.)

*So Mag 1 year na pero di ko pa din natapos tong post na to HAHAHA di pa kasama doon yung tagal niya sa drafts kklk*

So yeah. My soul evolved through time. My feelings for you went with it. From day one, there have been multiple changes on how I see things and how I see you.

May phase na happy crush lang. May phase na galit na galit ako sa sarili ko na gusto kita. May phase na confused ako kung sino ako at ano gusto ko. May time din na go with the flow lang. May time naman na kaibigan lang talaga ako sa iyo. May time na wala akong nararamdaman. May time na ikaw ang number 2. May time na gustung-gusto kita at di ako papapigil. May evolution ng feelings na tipong ayaw kong mawala ka. Nung una kong sinulat ito, masaya lang ako sa kung anong meron tayong friendship. Pero ngayon, nasa phase ako na parang nawawala-wala na.

Ito na ba talaga? Move on na ba talaga? Final evolution na ba ito? Abangan.

To the One

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for stalling and going in circles.
I'm sorry for not searching so hard.
I'm sorry for not trying.
I'm sorry for being stuck with the wrong person all the time
and settling.
I'm sorry for not noticing you, if ever.
I'm sorry if I was too early.
I'm sorry if I am too late.
I'm sorry for giving out everything that I should be giving you to others.
I'm sorry for waiting.
I'm sorry for being impatient.
I'm sorry for not knowing you.
I'm sorry for making plans without you.
I'm sorry for sometimes thinking you weren't coming.
I'm sorry for getting tired.
I'm sorry for asking this:

"Kailan ka ba darating?" :(

MADAMING GANAP

sa loob ng isang linggo (at installment ang pagsulat ko nito kasi tuluy-tuloy ang buhay kaya sobrang sabog nito for sure), ANG DAMING GANAP!


Una, bumalik ang ulan, ngunit hindi na siya tulad dati na parang bagyo.

Sabi ko nga sa kalangitan na wag saking ipamukhang may tadhana dahil baka maniwala ako.  Pero heto, sige pa rin siya sa pagpapaniwala sa akin na may forever.

"kalimutan mo na yan. hindi ka niya mahal." sabi nga ng katabi ko ngayon. Pero heto, hindi man ako umaasa, ay hindi naman din ako makalimot.


Dapat talaga nagsusulat ako ngayon ng write-up. HAY NAKO. pero heto ako kung anu-ano ginagawa ko. Hahaha. Nakakatawa. Pinagawa mo pa ako ng write-up, eh, hindi ko alam kung anong isusulat ko. Or nakakatawang ang dami ko nang blogpost tungkol sa'yo at hindi kita magawan ngayon ng write up. Kuha ka na lang kaya ng isang post. :)) Joke lang. Pero swear, natatawa ako habang iniisip ko kung ano isusulat kong topic haha. (Friday ko ito nasulat at supposedly Saturday yung deadline pero namove ng Monday. Mga sentences after nito, mga after 2 weeks ko na nasulat kaya nag-ba na yung thought.)

NagYOLO night pa ako at hindi ko nagawa yung write-up ng Friday. Sino kasama ko? Nostalgic nga eh. Karamihan sa BERKS kasama. Okay naman. Masaya naman ako. Nagstarbucks after at Mcdo hanggang umaga at boom kung anu-ano nasulat ko. Nung mag-isa na ako sa Mcdo para akong tanga sa public kasi naiyak ako nung may nabasa akong mensahe ng kaibigan kahit na ang sabaw-sabaw. Nostalgic talaga eh. Yung kahit na di talaga maganda memories ko kasama ang berks, eventually hinahanap mo din. Ewan. Ang dami din kasing nagbago sa akin at hindi ko maiwasan isipin yung what if itong Kay-anne yung nakasama nila. Regardless of that, masaya ako na may kaibigan ako na tinanggap ako regardless ng multiple transformation niya at ako.

Anyway, nasulat ko naman yung write-up at tinanggap ng mga tao yung mga sinulat ko. Well yung isa naging honest ako ng kaunti at pinabago niya haha. Yung isa pa parang nagtapat na ko pero binago ko na din kasi ang boring.

ANYWAY, balik sa first part ng linggo. Napaisip ako sa future ko in so many perspectives. Inisip ko lang ulit mga nangyari buong linggo kasi noong buong weekend halos magkulong lang ako sa kwarto na ang kinakain lang ay ang inimbak kong pandesal. Hindi ko na talaga alam. Nag-eexist pala ang mga trabahong sa labas ng academe na possible na magustuhan ko. Napaisip tuloy ako kung magwork ba ako next sem or mas mabuti bang magchill kasi buong buhay ko naman magtratrabaho naman ako. (Decision kong ito regardless ng ulan. Mabilis din naman nawala yung feeling. Nashock lang ako sa ulan.)

Same thing sa takot ko sa elevator. Takot ako sa nararamdaman ko. Takot akong mareject. Takot ako in general. Buti na lang nakakalmado ako kapag andiyan ka. Pwede bang forever ka na lang dyan? Mas takot akong mawala ka. Kaya from time to time, bigla bigla akong nagcocompose at nagschedule ng dapat sasabihin ko sa iyo dahil gusto kong maging honest. Pero kasi pag kasama ko talaga yung mga certain people na yun nadidiscourage din ako. Sobrang nalulungkod ako pag nabribring up nila yung topic. Haha. Hindi ko naman maexplain sa kanila.

Paano ba? Ewan ko. Basta yan naisip ko nun. Bahala na si Carly Rae magexplain.