MADAMING GANAP

sa loob ng isang linggo (at installment ang pagsulat ko nito kasi tuluy-tuloy ang buhay kaya sobrang sabog nito for sure), ANG DAMING GANAP!


Una, bumalik ang ulan, ngunit hindi na siya tulad dati na parang bagyo.

Sabi ko nga sa kalangitan na wag saking ipamukhang may tadhana dahil baka maniwala ako.  Pero heto, sige pa rin siya sa pagpapaniwala sa akin na may forever.

"kalimutan mo na yan. hindi ka niya mahal." sabi nga ng katabi ko ngayon. Pero heto, hindi man ako umaasa, ay hindi naman din ako makalimot.


Dapat talaga nagsusulat ako ngayon ng write-up. HAY NAKO. pero heto ako kung anu-ano ginagawa ko. Hahaha. Nakakatawa. Pinagawa mo pa ako ng write-up, eh, hindi ko alam kung anong isusulat ko. Or nakakatawang ang dami ko nang blogpost tungkol sa'yo at hindi kita magawan ngayon ng write up. Kuha ka na lang kaya ng isang post. :)) Joke lang. Pero swear, natatawa ako habang iniisip ko kung ano isusulat kong topic haha. (Friday ko ito nasulat at supposedly Saturday yung deadline pero namove ng Monday. Mga sentences after nito, mga after 2 weeks ko na nasulat kaya nag-ba na yung thought.)

NagYOLO night pa ako at hindi ko nagawa yung write-up ng Friday. Sino kasama ko? Nostalgic nga eh. Karamihan sa BERKS kasama. Okay naman. Masaya naman ako. Nagstarbucks after at Mcdo hanggang umaga at boom kung anu-ano nasulat ko. Nung mag-isa na ako sa Mcdo para akong tanga sa public kasi naiyak ako nung may nabasa akong mensahe ng kaibigan kahit na ang sabaw-sabaw. Nostalgic talaga eh. Yung kahit na di talaga maganda memories ko kasama ang berks, eventually hinahanap mo din. Ewan. Ang dami din kasing nagbago sa akin at hindi ko maiwasan isipin yung what if itong Kay-anne yung nakasama nila. Regardless of that, masaya ako na may kaibigan ako na tinanggap ako regardless ng multiple transformation niya at ako.

Anyway, nasulat ko naman yung write-up at tinanggap ng mga tao yung mga sinulat ko. Well yung isa naging honest ako ng kaunti at pinabago niya haha. Yung isa pa parang nagtapat na ko pero binago ko na din kasi ang boring.

ANYWAY, balik sa first part ng linggo. Napaisip ako sa future ko in so many perspectives. Inisip ko lang ulit mga nangyari buong linggo kasi noong buong weekend halos magkulong lang ako sa kwarto na ang kinakain lang ay ang inimbak kong pandesal. Hindi ko na talaga alam. Nag-eexist pala ang mga trabahong sa labas ng academe na possible na magustuhan ko. Napaisip tuloy ako kung magwork ba ako next sem or mas mabuti bang magchill kasi buong buhay ko naman magtratrabaho naman ako. (Decision kong ito regardless ng ulan. Mabilis din naman nawala yung feeling. Nashock lang ako sa ulan.)

Same thing sa takot ko sa elevator. Takot ako sa nararamdaman ko. Takot akong mareject. Takot ako in general. Buti na lang nakakalmado ako kapag andiyan ka. Pwede bang forever ka na lang dyan? Mas takot akong mawala ka. Kaya from time to time, bigla bigla akong nagcocompose at nagschedule ng dapat sasabihin ko sa iyo dahil gusto kong maging honest. Pero kasi pag kasama ko talaga yung mga certain people na yun nadidiscourage din ako. Sobrang nalulungkod ako pag nabribring up nila yung topic. Haha. Hindi ko naman maexplain sa kanila.

Paano ba? Ewan ko. Basta yan naisip ko nun. Bahala na si Carly Rae magexplain.

Why on What Ifs

Why am I feeling guilty about this? I mean, Why do I feel that I am cheating on someone? In the first place, I don't have someone to cheat with, and second, I don't have someone to cheat on. It's just some photo. Yes, I want to have one of it with you. But, but, he's my best friend. I feel like I'm being super inconsiderate and selfish here. But. But.

I don't even know, will I regret it? Maybe. It's not yet happening anyway.

Why am I remembering you in The Cab playlist (or with other songs that can be found in my lost phone)? Why am I being reminded of that old feeling? I mean, I still like you now but I like you differently now. Why does this have to surface again?

Why am I composing what to say to you when I know it will never reach you? Why am I planning to confess when in fact, I'm not planning to? Why will I ask you out on the first place? Why does the mere fact of thinking about it, hurts? I didn't even notice that a tear was already falling down my face. How embarrassing!

I know why I can't forget you. But why do I think this far ahead? It's not really ahead, since we won't get there. We won't get anywhere. Why do I always end up thinking about things that won't happen. It's somewhat frustrating, you know.

What's new?

One told me, "ang laki ng epekto ng crush mo sa buhay mo." Another told me, "masyado ka laging available para sa kanya." NV.

They are right. I can't stop my life to revolve around the person I like. They are right. I'll always be here for you as long as I can. Believe me, it's not really a choice. It's more of a habit. It's more of an unstoppable force inside me. It can't be helped. As absurd as it may seem, I need you now. Even this long weekend is killing me. I want to see you so badly. AND WHY THE FUCK AM I CRYING AGAIN!?! I didn't even notice.

I'm literally crazy for you.

And I didn't want you to know any of it. I don't want to lose you. But about to have our separate ways soon and who knows if we're going to be like this then.

And so I'll be thinking ahead again and say "advance I'm going to miss you" if that day comes.

Riot

Sa gitna ng katahimikan, may umaalingawngaw na kaguluhan. Hindi ito nakikita ng mata, sapagkat ito'y nasa kaloob-looban.



FRIEND! ANG HIRAP!

Alam ko sa sarili ko na kaibigan lang kita at ginagawa ko yung pagiging kaibigan. Alam kong wala lang to sayo at alam ko na pag sinabi ko baka gumuho mundo ko pero friend ang hirap pa din pala!

Ilang beses na akong muntik sumabog or something pero in the end i remain silent and composed pero deep inside, RIOT!

Swear, gusto kong maging isang legit na kaibigan for you pero tanginang feelings to! Paano ba sila patahimikin! Okay na kong ganito eh, masaya na ko sa ganitong set-up.

Hayayayay! Sana magkaroon ng kahit kaunting katahimikan ang damdamin ko. Pero sa muli, masasabi kong masaya ako.

JUICE COLORED

At syempre kung kailan cramming at hectic ang schedule, doon magsusulat ng bagong kabanata ng buhay. Tunay ngang kay rami rami kong panahon. At anong gagawin ko dito? Wala kundi pawang mga paglalahad ng sarili kong mga kahangalan.

Usually kasi, I mean, recently, masaya na ako lagi. As in walang nakakapigil sa akin. Pero yung mga mas recently, daig ko pa ang RF signals sa bilis ng voltage swing. Literal na nakangiti ako at wala pang five seconds ay matatakpan na ito ng inis at di ko man lamang namalayan na nawasak ko na yung plastic container na hawak ko. Pero masaya pa din ako, kahit papaano.

Mas madali lang ako madisappoint recently at hindi ko sure kung bakit. Naisip ko na ang root lang naman ng disappointment ay expectations that were not met so probably, I was hoping for something that I can't get. In short, ang tanga tanga ko.

Ewan ko. Mainisin ako recently pati. Naneuneutralize niya yung happiness ko. At puyat ako ngayon kasi maaga akong gumising kanina tapos natraffic pa din. Nafeefeel ko yung bigat ng eyelids ko at yung lalim ng circles sa ilalim ng mata ko.

Tapos, wednesday pa bukas. Ayaw ko ng wednesdays :< Wala kasi akong friends masyado. Tapos basta hassle pag wednesday. Let it be any other day but wednesday :<

JUICE COLORED SANA MATAPOS NA TONG WEEK NA TO GULONG GULO NA UTAK KO. Sana din matapos na yung kabilaang batikos ng mga tao sa isa't isa dahil ang hirap pumagitna. Ang hirap na naiintindihan mo both sides at ang hirap na manahimik. Ang hirap din magsalita. Ang hirap gumalaw, nakakasakal. Ang hirap ng hindi mo alam pananaw mo. Ang hirap lang talaga. UGH.

Stress.

I mean di pa sobrang laki na stress pero ngayon lang ulit ako nakaranas ng ganito for some unknown reasons kasi walang binanbat yung pinagdaanan ko in the past dito. Wala pa ngang nangyayari bakit ba stressed na ko.

Malay.

Magiging maayos din lahat. Sana. Hai.

Pasensya ka na sa mga walang katuturan kong mga reklamo sa buhay.

Friend, I like you a lot

Suddenly, I got the urge to write something, though not too profound, just something casual. Well, supposedly, it should be casual, like I'm trying to make it feel like something normal. Though you might know that I really like you so I can't help but put up a poker face but my heart is jumping up and down deep inside. I just let the moments pass by and after that, I found myself looking back and smiling when no one is looking. I just can't help but look forward to tomorrow, to everyday, to every time I spend with you.

Each time that you were looking for me, each time you choose to go with me, that time when we both said "I'll go with you" at the same time, I bet those feelings in my head are running around the control room. 

No, it's just the same, I am not expecting or assuming anything. I am just happy that you acknowledge my presence. I am just happy that I can be here for you. I am happy that I may stay with you.

Well, actually, I can't figure out how long has it been and I can't count how many times my feelings towards you evolved. I can't even tell others properly because although they try to understand, they can't. But then, the more I stop myself from talking about you, the more I really do. It's really tough.

Every time our hands touch, I feel that urge to stay with you and protect you. I'm sorry though. I try to be as non-romantic friendly as possible. I try to be that friend that will be at your side when you need me rather than a lover who will hurt you. Because, you were there for me, too. You were enough for me. You were all I need at this time of my life and you have proved me your worth in the past. Your mere presence is my joy. Your joy is my ecstasy. You are my daily dosage of an essential drug. You are currently my favorite person.

You are a hard habit to break. Actually, you are a hard habit that I don't want to break. Oh, yes, there might be a tiny part of me that secretly hopes that you like me back. I can't pretend that that don't cross my mind. But then, I've settled things with myself a long time ago. I still thinks it hold true. I can't fight for you in that way. I don't have that kind of courage. You can't count me on that even if I know it won't really happen. But if it is being a friend. you can count on me.

Please, though it might not as feasible as it may sound, I want to stay like this forever. I want it to be this way even after this year. I don't want to picture losing sight of you any time soon.

Greed

Hi blog!

It seems that I have nowhere to go but here. I really want to talk to someone about things but I'm too scared that I might go a little overboard.

You see, it's always been about me. I talk and talk and I just want someone to listen. I don't ask for advice because I know it won't work. In the end, I'll do what I want. What do I want anyway? Everything! Yes, I just realized that. At first, I thought I just can't judge right or weigh options, but really, I just want to have it all.

I realized that I'm afraid to lose anything, and to change anything because they have risk? The other day, we were in class talking about opportunity cost and I was like, I don't want to sacrifice anything. I want to gain everything and endure not to lose any as much as I can.

I think it's normal. We humans are greedy creatures. Babies cry if you don't give them the toy or food, whichever they want. It's nature, that's why we cannot eliminate it. I mean, greed plays a big role in world destruction. We just get enough of anything. When we obtain something, we want more. In short, we want everything.

Dreaming is being greedy without action. We just put light along with it to look good. Even making friends might be greedy. I mean, look, you make friends for yourself. Even if you say it's for them, you get that satisfaction. We look at them in the eye and see our reflection, and that's when we determine if we like them, if we see ourselves in their eyes.

Nevermind that. I mean, I didn't mean to say those things. I just really want to share to you how much things I want to have and I can't wait to have. Others, I know I can never obtain, and it kills me inside. Give me love! money! wisdom! Oh! Give me some more love! I thought what I only need is someone to understand me but the truth, not. If everyone is selfish enough, no one can ever understand the other because we are all busy thinking of ourselves and what we want.

It' a lonesome fight for everyone!

Sloth

Hi blog!

Aaminin ko. Tinatamad akong magsulat for the past few weeks. Laging nakabukas ka sa tab ko, tapos, lagi ko ding naiisip kung ano gusto ko isulat pero sa huli, biglang mawawala yung urge ko at maiiwan ka lang. Ganyan ako for a while hanggang sa dumating ang araw na ito na humihingi ako ng tawad.

Marami talaga akong gusto isulat. Naghahalo-halo na nga eh. Pero kasi madalas related lang o hindi ko matyempuhan paano umpisahan o kaya naman ay nalilito ako kung ano gusto kong unahin.

Kaya ngayon pinipili kong ibaba muna ang mga defenses ko at sasabihin ko lang sa iyo kahit anong gusto kong sabihin ngayon without holding back, without thinking what I'm writing kahit na pamali-mali na nasusulat ko, o kahit na nagswitch ako ng language o, puro magalter between fragments or run-on ang mga sentences ko.

Para kasi akong nagmamadali lagi. Parang hindi enough yung time ko isipin paano magsulat ng bagong entry o kung ano sasabihin ko. Ang tagal ko kasi maginternalize. Tapos may times naman na gustong gusto ko talaga isulat pero wala namang access.

Anyway, magkwekwento na lang ako.

Mapaglaro ang tadhana. Kahapon, habang papauwi ako ng probinsya, naisip ko, how long has it been. Bigla ko kasing nakumpara yung state ng bestfriend ko sa akin. Looking back, we were like in the same phase nung una. Parang sabay lang nung time na magtatapat siya sa crush niya at ako sa crush ko. Siya, nagtapat siya, ako hindi. Ang laki ng difference ngayon. Sila na, kami, di nalalayo sa stage dati.

Hindi ko maitatanggi na nakakainggit. :)) Parang, BOOM! bagay sila. BOOM! Gusto ka din ng gusto mo. Haha. Ako. Eto. Mag-isa. Nagpapakatanga sa taong walang nararamdaman para sa akin. Bakit kasi ako nahuhulog sa maling tao?

Same topic nanaman oh. Tapos lumipat lang ako ng tab, nakalimutan ko na tong sinusulat ko. Short attention span. Dahil wala na din ako maisip at sa concentration magsulat, tatapusin ko na muna to.

Blog, expect mo na ganito mga posts ko for a while.