On second thought, I want to live. I want to live no matter how painful it is to live. Well, it won't be living without it.
And I'm thankful that I lived. :)
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Friday, September 6, 2013
Thoughts of That
Mukhang di malayo. Suicidal thoughts.
And I'm being honest. Sometimes I think I should just die.
And I'm being honest. Sometimes I think I should just die.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Ignorance
Ignore me once and I'll insist. Ignore me again and I'll never bother you again.
Yes, that is one of my weakness. Even if it's unintentional, I'll never ever initiate another conversation with you again. And i'd be dying inside thinking what's wrong. And I'd be breaking down within to know if we're okay.
Yes, you can ignore me, since that is how i am treated all the time. I never knew what people think of me because whenever I ask they can't say a thing. Maybe, they don't notice. Then, that is because they don't pay attention. Si it might not really matter to them at all.
In the end, no one cares. I am ignored.
In terms of memories, there are times I knew every detail. I knew that I was there. I knew how others are there. Then, in another story from another person, it's funny how I ended up invisible. I'm nothing but soundless air in their picture.
No one really cares.
And I think, when I die, when i disappear, no one will notice. Life will just continue for them. And so what?
No one really cares.
I won't end up in any history. I will just disappear out of thin air. Because I am nobody. And the day that I'll die won't make any difference with the day I was born.
Because no one cares.
And why should I care? I'll choose not to live in vain and there is one thing left for me to do.
Ignore.
Yes, that is one of my weakness. Even if it's unintentional, I'll never ever initiate another conversation with you again. And i'd be dying inside thinking what's wrong. And I'd be breaking down within to know if we're okay.
Yes, you can ignore me, since that is how i am treated all the time. I never knew what people think of me because whenever I ask they can't say a thing. Maybe, they don't notice. Then, that is because they don't pay attention. Si it might not really matter to them at all.
In the end, no one cares. I am ignored.
In terms of memories, there are times I knew every detail. I knew that I was there. I knew how others are there. Then, in another story from another person, it's funny how I ended up invisible. I'm nothing but soundless air in their picture.
No one really cares.
And I think, when I die, when i disappear, no one will notice. Life will just continue for them. And so what?
No one really cares.
I won't end up in any history. I will just disappear out of thin air. Because I am nobody. And the day that I'll die won't make any difference with the day I was born.
Because no one cares.
And why should I care? I'll choose not to live in vain and there is one thing left for me to do.
Ignore.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Usapang Baligtad
so sabaw ako as in right now. at eto ay glimpse ng isang conversation ko na ganto ang state ko. may parts na inedit ko para makuha ung point. tinanggal ko din ung part ng kausap ko :))
:))))))))))))))
alam mo
ang kabaligtaran ng 14
ay 41
ibig sabihin nun
wala lang
alam mo ba na
pag binaligtad ang kaye
ay
eyak
may tanong ako
kapag binaligtad ang sunny side up
sunny side up pa din ba to?
seryoso kasi
alam mo ba na pag may baso ka na may lamang tubig na hinaluan mo ng salt at sugar
at binaligtad mo, matatapon ung laman XD
ganun din kahit walang salt at sugar.
seryoso
try mo
pero alam mo pag binaligtad mo ung
tapat
tapat pa din
at ang kabaligtaran ng :) ay (:
hindi :(
pero nagcocoexist lahat ng magkabaligtad
if theres something wrong
theres something right
if theres something right
theres something left
if theres something left
theres something gone
at matagal ko nang iniisip ano kabaligtaran ng isang number
lets say 2
is it -2
or 1/2
pero narealize ko na ang pagbabaligtad
ay parang pagsukat
may standard
so pag nagbaligtad ka ng something, may with respect to what.
titigil na :)
:))))))))))))))
alam mo
ang kabaligtaran ng 14
ay 41
ibig sabihin nun
wala lang
alam mo ba na
pag binaligtad ang kaye
ay
eyak
may tanong ako
kapag binaligtad ang sunny side up
sunny side up pa din ba to?
seryoso kasi
alam mo ba na pag may baso ka na may lamang tubig na hinaluan mo ng salt at sugar
at binaligtad mo, matatapon ung laman XD
ganun din kahit walang salt at sugar.
seryoso
try mo
pero alam mo pag binaligtad mo ung
tapat
tapat pa din
at ang kabaligtaran ng :) ay (:
hindi :(
pero nagcocoexist lahat ng magkabaligtad
if theres something wrong
theres something right
if theres something right
theres something left
if theres something left
theres something gone
at matagal ko nang iniisip ano kabaligtaran ng isang number
lets say 2
is it -2
or 1/2
pero narealize ko na ang pagbabaligtad
ay parang pagsukat
may standard
so pag nagbaligtad ka ng something, may with respect to what.
titigil na :)
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Pritten Shoes
Nakakainis.
Yung mga taong halatang halatang nagbago ng pakikitungo sa iyo at di mo alam kung bakit. Matapobre ba ako? Masama? Di ba sapat ang paggalang ko? Boring ba ako? Stupido? Ano?
Naaalala ko pa kung paano niyo ako tanggapin nung una. mapanlinlang. anong nangyari? pakiexplain nga?! di ko kasi gets eh. basta medyo sure ako na wala akong intensyon na kung anong masama sa inyo.
Nakakatawa nga eh. ang proud proud ko sa inyo dati. nakakatawang isipin idolo ko pa man din kayo at lahat. nakakatuwang isipin ang mga panahong nayayakap ko pa kayo at nalalapitan ng walang alinlangan. Di ko din mapagkakaila na isa kayo sa dahilan bat di ako nagdefer nung app ako. kasi nakahanap ako ng comfort sa inyo. tapos gaganituhin niyo ako? ano bang kasalanan ko? kung may problema kayo sakin pagusapan natin di ung pagusapan ako sa likod di ba? Ayaw ko ng ganun eh. Isa akong seryosong tao at isa kayo sa mga sineseryoso ko. Ngayon, medyo nanghihinayang na ako sa mga ineffort ko noon. Yung lahat ng panahon na inubos ko.
Pag nagkikita na lang tayo ang awkward na lang. E ang dalas pa naman natin magkita. Ang labo niyo kasi. Kayo tong matatanda tapos kayo tong ganyan umasta sa mga mas nakababata. Kung ito'y isang katuwaan di kayo nakakatuwa.
O bukod dun ung ibang taong kalebel ko lang pero di ko magets bat ganun. Jinujudge niyo ba ako? Mapangmata. Magtanong nga kayo lilinawin ko naman eh. Hai. Ang insecure ko lang pero kasi antagal ko na napapansin.
Siguro nga wala akong kwentang tao sa paningin niyo pero knug sakali, di un sapat na dahilan para alipustahin niyo ako. baka kasi namimisjudge niyo lang ako. di naman talaga ako masamang tao :( at wala akong hangad mang-alipusta. at basta makaramdam ng onting hiya o takot hirap na akong tanggalin un. Kapag minsan lumalayo ako, un ay dahil nahihiya ako o natatakot sa iniisip niyo. ganun lang.
Matagal ko din itong di pinapansin, baka kasi mali ako. Baka din ako lang din nagiisip hanggang ngayon. pero sana talaga malaman kong okay naman at bumalik yung sigla. sana malaman ko na di ako nagkamali noon sa pagkilala ng mga tao.
I used to care for you people a lot and i still do :( but i dont know what happened to us. and this might be stupid. and i might just be overthinking but so what :( i have to say this to release all the anxieties ive been keeping for some time now :( some anxieties that you majorly caused. the reason why im scared more. the reason why im like this losing all my confidence and feeling like being trapped in a cell unable to escape.
Well, its fine if you dont care, but in case you do, im asking for a little help :(
help me work things out :(
Yung mga taong halatang halatang nagbago ng pakikitungo sa iyo at di mo alam kung bakit. Matapobre ba ako? Masama? Di ba sapat ang paggalang ko? Boring ba ako? Stupido? Ano?
Naaalala ko pa kung paano niyo ako tanggapin nung una. mapanlinlang. anong nangyari? pakiexplain nga?! di ko kasi gets eh. basta medyo sure ako na wala akong intensyon na kung anong masama sa inyo.
Nakakatawa nga eh. ang proud proud ko sa inyo dati. nakakatawang isipin idolo ko pa man din kayo at lahat. nakakatuwang isipin ang mga panahong nayayakap ko pa kayo at nalalapitan ng walang alinlangan. Di ko din mapagkakaila na isa kayo sa dahilan bat di ako nagdefer nung app ako. kasi nakahanap ako ng comfort sa inyo. tapos gaganituhin niyo ako? ano bang kasalanan ko? kung may problema kayo sakin pagusapan natin di ung pagusapan ako sa likod di ba? Ayaw ko ng ganun eh. Isa akong seryosong tao at isa kayo sa mga sineseryoso ko. Ngayon, medyo nanghihinayang na ako sa mga ineffort ko noon. Yung lahat ng panahon na inubos ko.
Pag nagkikita na lang tayo ang awkward na lang. E ang dalas pa naman natin magkita. Ang labo niyo kasi. Kayo tong matatanda tapos kayo tong ganyan umasta sa mga mas nakababata. Kung ito'y isang katuwaan di kayo nakakatuwa.
O bukod dun ung ibang taong kalebel ko lang pero di ko magets bat ganun. Jinujudge niyo ba ako? Mapangmata. Magtanong nga kayo lilinawin ko naman eh. Hai. Ang insecure ko lang pero kasi antagal ko na napapansin.
Siguro nga wala akong kwentang tao sa paningin niyo pero knug sakali, di un sapat na dahilan para alipustahin niyo ako. baka kasi namimisjudge niyo lang ako. di naman talaga ako masamang tao :( at wala akong hangad mang-alipusta. at basta makaramdam ng onting hiya o takot hirap na akong tanggalin un. Kapag minsan lumalayo ako, un ay dahil nahihiya ako o natatakot sa iniisip niyo. ganun lang.
Matagal ko din itong di pinapansin, baka kasi mali ako. Baka din ako lang din nagiisip hanggang ngayon. pero sana talaga malaman kong okay naman at bumalik yung sigla. sana malaman ko na di ako nagkamali noon sa pagkilala ng mga tao.
I used to care for you people a lot and i still do :( but i dont know what happened to us. and this might be stupid. and i might just be overthinking but so what :( i have to say this to release all the anxieties ive been keeping for some time now :( some anxieties that you majorly caused. the reason why im scared more. the reason why im like this losing all my confidence and feeling like being trapped in a cell unable to escape.
Well, its fine if you dont care, but in case you do, im asking for a little help :(
help me work things out :(
Ang Pagsubok
May dalawang uri ng pagsubok upang malaman ang tatag ng iyong pananalig sa isang relasyon.
Una ay yung kahit gaano mo katagal makasama, di ka pa rin nagsasawa.
Pangalawa ay yung kahit gaano mo katagal di makasama, di ka pa rin nagsasawa.
Una ay yung kahit gaano mo katagal makasama, di ka pa rin nagsasawa.
Pangalawa ay yung kahit gaano mo katagal di makasama, di ka pa rin nagsasawa.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Free Floating Anxiety
I'm all messed up, again.
Over-thinking. That might be one things I can't stop doing. It's me. I have been like this for ages and I don't know how to change something that comes out naturally.
Well, a few days ago, i tried answering a personality disorder test and you know what I've got? 90% for being a schizotypal, 62% for both being paranoid and borderline. Yeah. Maybe, it's just one of that for-fun kind of test and must not be taken seriously, but then, I can't deny the fact I have some of the symptoms. Well, maybe I don't really have those disorders, but I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with me.
Depression has been taking over me for a while now. And I don't know where it comes from. I just feel it especially whenever I'm alone like this. And maybe, I'm just being stupid and just wasting my time over these darn stupid things. But I can't help it. I'm getting worried for nothing. Right now, I can't breathe properly and feel like crying.
Am I losing my mind? Well, not really. I know I still have a control for myself. I just, well, don't know how to overcome feeling bad. I don't know how because I don't know why. Is this because of this recent academic stress? Is this from the pain from the people who betrayed me? Is this a consequence of what I've done bad in the past?
I might be facing one of the hardest challenges in my life right now. And it's not just like those petty little worries. It's about my identity, my beliefs, my faith. I'm currently in a situation that could change what I have been in the past two decades. I've been trying to understand the odds and been trying to gather the courage to speak.
For the past 19 years, I have not spoken much of me and my mind. I always keep things to myself. This might be the first time that I did something like this and I'm telling you, it ain't easy. And now that I have started it, there is no turning back. I have no choice but to continue. I must prove that I am and I can and I will be. I must, but what if I can't. What if I'm still that itsy-bitsy little fellow washed away by the currents? What if I am not, I can't and I won't be? Well, how can I be at this state?! Sitting back and thinking worthlessly of things when I still have a lot of things to do and to prove. And I hate myself for that.
I hate myself, for starting things that I'm not sure how to finish, for pretending to be brave but deep within is a coward, and for being such a failure and have others involved in it.
I'm sorry world, though, I don't mean it that much. I know. This is stupid. I AM stupid. Whatever. Anyway, things will inevitably come even if I'm not sure about what I'll do next. Even if I stop, the world will continue to spin. Who cares? We are all little fellows anyway.
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