Teka lang.

Ang dami nang nagyari simula nung huli kong pagdayo dito. Ayan, inaalikabukan na. Natatabunan na ng makapal na leyer ng magkahalong duda at tiwala. Napawi na ang mga luha ng oras at inanod na ang natitirang bakas. Hindi ko na naaalala lahat. 

Ang pagiging bitter ko sa post ko na "bitter #6" ay parang isang katatawanan na lamang sa akin. Nilulon na lamang ako ng pag-aaral. Aral dito, aral doon, punta dito, punta doon. may pagsusulit kada linggo, tapos maikling happy happy tuwing makatapos. Ayun, pumasa naman lahat.

Tapos, madami pa kong nakilala ng mas malalim. Oo, nakakilala ako ng ilang mga taong ayaw kong bitiwan. Sana mabigyan pa ako ng pagkakataon. They're just too great and I'm nobody. How could i actually deserve such friends? Bahala na. Basta tiwala.

Haha. naalala ko bigla yung nangyari noong 2nd sem, yung season ng mga pagtakbo. Tatakbo dapat akong chairman ng angkan pero nagkalabuan kami nung exchairman kaya di na lang ako tumuloy. Anyway, alam ko namang di ako mananalo. Mas worthy ung supposed-to-be kalaban ko eh. Nakakainis lang ung yung point na may mga taong di nakakaintindi o napapangunahan ng galit. Nakakasira tuloy ng diskarte. Kaya kahit nung inalok nia ako ng pwesto sa exte, d ko tinanggap. (HAHA inaassume kong d nia to mababasa ever, pero if ever mabasa mo, sana naintindihan mo ung nararamdaman ko nun, alam mo namang mahal na mahal ko org natin) Sabi ko rin sa sarili ko. Kung di ko kayang ihandle ang isang tao sa org na to, panu ko pa kaya ihahandle ung buong org.

Tama desisyon ko. Buti na lang di ako tumakbo. Madami pa naman akong plano. Sa future. Basta bigyan lang ako ng pagkakataon. Basta bahala na. Tiwala.

Iba na lang ikwekwento ko. SUMMER.

OO! Natakot akong mangyari ulit ang post na "Tuwing Umuulan at Kapiling Ka". Sino ba namang hindi? Simula nung alumni homecoming paranoid na ko eh. Pero d naman nangyari. Guess what? Natauhan din ako. Pero di ko alam kung legit na, pero basta, ang alam ko dormant. Or siguro malayo lang ako sayo nung bakasyon? Di ko talaga alam. Siguro dapat di na sayo umikot ang post na to as a start.

SUMMER. ibang iba sa last year kong summer. Di ako nagmajormajor so malayo ako sa calcu. Di ko kasi nakuha yung dose kaya nagEnglish10 na lang ako bukod sa milsci na naenlist ko. Napakasaya lang ng milsci! Sobrang saya na sana di na lang ako nagprerog ng ibang subject. Di ko na natutukan tuloy. Bakit pa ba ako nagENG 10? Ang cute cute nga ni maam, nakakalungkot na never akong nagpasa ng homework. (ang bait pa, pumasa pa din ako) Tapos ung huling week ng pasukan d ako pumasok ni isang araw at nagdance central na lang ako. Actually, may gusto lang akong maging classmate dun kaya ako ngprerog. haha. 

Gusto kong gumawa ng bukod na paragraph para sa team mates ko sa cwts. ang CLIFFHANGERS. Bukod sa circuit, sila ang isa pang main company ko ngayong summer. (Duh, forever company ko ang CKT!) First day pa lang clingy na. Sila kasama kong maglunch araw araw. Tapos minsan, jog pa kami sa oval or gala gala lang. Kinokonsider ko na silang isang barkada ko. Sana, SANA, hindi lang hanggang summer yung samahan namin.

Ano pa pinagkakaabalahan ko? app process, volcor, mga laro. Yung supposedly summer games, naging summer frisbee na lang. Masaya naman. Tapos, nalulon ako sa paglalaro ng epic mafia. Basta kasabay nito ang nakikita kong pagbabago sa sa circuit. Isang mahabang tanong din sakin kung magiging aktibo ako sa iba kong org lalo na ang angkan. super friends ko kasi ang mga head at ineencourage ako mabuti.

Nasira ng tuluyan ang rhythm ko. Super di ko alam paano uumpisahan ang next sem gayong ganto ako.  TEKA LANG! AYAW KO PA! DI PA AKO HANDA! Ayaw ko pa magumpisa ang pasukan at bihira to. Kadalasan, mas gugustuhin ko pang pumasok. Andami kasing dapat harapin bukas at sa tingin ko, hindi ko pa kaya. O baka naman may iba rason, baka di ako nakuntento sa summer ko kaya ayaw ko pang magpasukan. Baka di pa sya tapos. Baka may dapat pang mangyari.

Ano naman kaya ang kulang?

BITTER # 6

Pebrero sais dos mil dose.

Sa dinami dami ng nangyari ngayong araw, nagkandahalo-halo na ang aking nadarama dulot ng madami at iba't ibang mga bagay. Ano nga bang pangunahing sanhi ng aking pagkalumo?

nung sabado. . .

isang makabagbag damdaming pagtatagpo ang naganap sa pagitan ko at ng aking isang matalik na kaibigan a.k.a. ex (ata). Oo, sino pa ba. napadaan lang naman siya sa UP para sa isang proyekto kasama ang ilan sa kanyang mga kaibigan mula sa Beda. Nkaformal pa nga sila dahil galing sila sa isang hotel event at ako naman, nakapambahay, bongga! the point is, di naging awkward, amazingly, to think na ang huli naming pagkikita ay awkward moments ng nakaraan na tila ayaw ko nang alalahanin. Nayakap ko naman siya ng mabuti na walang halong malisya o kung ano man. basta alam niyo na ang ibang nangyari. the usual.

nung linggo. . .

nagpicnic, nakipagkwentuhan ng mga nakaraan na dapat talaga ay aral. may aral pa din naman eh. basta, dami ko biglang naalala. sumakit din ang ulo ko. magulo.

AT SYEMPRE NGAYON (NA TUNAY NA KATUTURAN NG POST NA ITO). . .

oo ngayon. . . .di ko nga alam paano umpisahan, umikot-ikot pa ako sa kung anu-anong araw na dumaan, wala namang relasyon ngayon, pinatagal ko lang talaga.

it all started nang gumising ako ng umaga at medyo madilim-dilim pa ang kalangitan. Para kanino ba ako bumabangon? Naisip ko para talaga mag-aral at harapin once and for all ang physics 73 second exam. target is a hundred percent pero ni pumasa para pa ding imposible gawin. nagkaroon ako ng study mates along the way pero nagdulot lang ito sa akin ng pagkatampo sa isang malapit na kaibigan. Ngayon lang talaga to, sori talaga, di ko sinasadya na minsan mafeel ko na di na katulad ng dati na mas madalas kita makasama, kasi nga may *ehem* iba na ngayon ang sitwasyon. Owel, understanding na lang.

tapos, aun exam na, nakakasabaw na tatlong oras ng buhay ko. malamang sa malamang, maniniwala na ako sa time dilation. eh kasi naman, bat di sapat ang mahabang oras sa isang exam na ganun, tapos ang hirap, bumigay talaga ako kasama nung dalwang bolpen na hiniram ko sa katabi ko. siguro nga may sumpa na ako sa physics exam, dapat titigil lahat ng bolpen na gamit ko.

so pagkatapos ng exam, ako nanaman, hoping, super. sana matuloy ang planadong dance central kahit walang laman ang wallet ko. pero isa-isa din silang nagback-out. naghanap na lang ako ng matinung kausap after exam pero wala talaga. Na-OP lang ako sa kanila. marahil isang uri na din ng pagtatampo. siguro dulot ung pagkaOP ko ng aftermath nila ng CWTS camp pero nakakainis pa rin talaga. so naglakad ako magisa sa initan galing NIP papuntang tambayan, still hoping na may makausap ako ng matino, habang sila, dumaan sakay ng kotse at binati ako. pinilit kong maglabas ng pekeng ngiti pero di ko din pala kaya. paluhang-paluha na ako nun eh. ayaw ko lang din namang umiyak.

pagdating sa tambayan, may mga nakatulong naman sa pagmimitigate ng kalungkutan ko. pero may mga taong hindi kasi napapanahon ang pagbanat. edi sila na ang may joke at ako na ang wala. pakialam ko ba. sori talaga pero ang iritable ko kanina. wala ako sa mood makipaglokohan sa harap ng mga tao. di ba pedeng sayo na lang pag-usapan? di ka naman pinapakialamanan ha. wala kasing ganyanan.

bat pa ba ako apektado. di ko naman siya gusto. pero ung fact kasi na sa harap ng mga taong involved sinasabi kahit paloko lang e ayaw ko kasi baka mamisinterpret. o baka wala lang talaga ako sa mood ngayon.

tapos, ayun, ako, ganun pa din, hoping. sana magiging maayos ang araw kaya nakisama sa kainan sa exe picnic. nakatabi siya. weird lang. pero okay lang.

i can feel the pressure

it's getting closer now

we're better off 

without you

haist, sarap kumanta, sayang bawal bumirit, andaming tao. medyo okay na ako. kahit medyo parang sampler lang kinain ko at least libre na may lakip na libreng kaligayahan. kasa-kasama ko ang isa pang tao. bigla siyang dumating. wala lang naman. masama bang matuwa.

Medyo napawi na ang ilang pait na dumaan sa maghapon. ano nga bang dahilan ng aking pagkalumo? tampo sa malapit na kaibigan? tampo sa barkada? tampo sa mga pinagkakatiwalaang tao? exam? pagpigil ng nararamdaman? o etong dates, marshmallow at nuts na kinakain ko ngayon? feeling ko nalalasing na nga ako eh.

ayan na. uwian na. napuno muli ako ng pag-asa.

at sa paglalim ng gabi. . . .

matapos ang isang buong araw ng pagkauhaw sa pag-asa. . . . . .

may nalaman ako. . . . 

at ang masasabi ko lang. . . . . .

sayang.

Ships Sink In, Relationships Sink Within: A Birthday Diary

December 10, 2011
Saturday

The past whole week, i thought of nothing else but acads, specifically, exams. Yes, what a welcome-second-sem we had this day. WE HAD 3 LONG EXAMS! yes, you read that right, 3 LONG EXAMS! and each is composed of 3 hours so I have to wake up early to have EEE 35 8 to 11 in the morning. I had EEE 23 1 to 4 in the afternoon and ES 1, 4 pm to 7 pm. C-C-C-COMBO BREAK!
SOUP! SOUP! *english for sabaw* I FEEL SOUP! Good way to celebrate is by going to sarah tiu's birthday bash. Yeah, thanks to her. Actually I am more thankful than I seem to be because I thought she wouldn't invite me. THANKS! So there it is. we celebrated her day. She treated us dinner in Wok Dis Way. Scrumptious! Kuya AJ and Kuya Joe bought a cake for her and with lit candles, we sang merrily the birthday song.
They shared the cake with me. I had a few slices and gave it to others and had some more. Then, they started teasing me for having the rest of the cake so they lit up the candles again and sang happy birthday again WITHOUT all of them knowing it's really my birthday in few hours.
Then, we went to Mcdo then Drew's. I spent more hours to wait for Mai's fetcher and so I celebrated my day with CKT people. (even if i'm in soup state). Then, they greeted me even if it does not sink in in my mind yet.

December 11, 2011
Sunday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY?! Really?! Only few people greeted me the whole day. Mainly CKT people and some Angkan people boardmate people and very very few HS people. My best friends didn't. I really don't feel it. I went to trinoma and had my lunch alone around people having fun with other people. Actually, I'm waiting for my Mom. I said I won't go home anymore so she just visited me. But I kind of pitied myself eating alone. Then, there. Mom came and I went around the mall with her. I guess it's okay but it really felt like a typical day. Doesn't sink in at all.

December 12, 2011
Monday

Typical day. Nothing seems to matter. Yes, some people like my best pal already greeted me but still. I prepared the apps orientation presentation in the morning for angkan. went to HQ in the afternoon and more people greeted me. Then, had a meeting with memcom at Chowking in the evening. nothing new. nothing more to expect, it's over.

December 13, 2011
Tuesday

Typical day, again. Classes in the morning and in the afternoon. The only non-typical thing is that I hosted the apps orientation of angkan. That might be a bit of my happiness. We had dinner afterwards. Quite typical, but I'm starting to feel the change. Sinking in?

December 14, 2011
Wednesday

Today is different. Well, forget the day. What matters is the night. I watched Indakan this day. with some of my fave Circuit friends. with my bestest best friend. Yeah, I'm being a bit selfish for considering this as a birthday gift to myself. I saw crush number 63 and crush number 66 too. What more can I ask for? I had fun. I enjoyed everything even the event itself. Which I'm still looking forward in the future.
Ces Digneneng stayed with me in the boarding house because it's too late to go home. Yeah, it's not anymore too late but too early. We still had heart to heart talks till I don't remember. We jst slept an hour and we still had 7 am class. BOOM!

December 15, 2011
Thursday
Boarding house party today! I was not expecting anything. Because I was not prepared. Yeah, I know who I got and who got me in the gifts and I know we just exchanged. I was not able to do my ideal wrapper for combos :( so I got the cake box and put it in it. I got a percy jackson book! WOO! But I wrote the title of wrong book. I got the third which I already have and what I want really is the 5th. BUT HEY! the thought counts more.
The thing that touched me tonight is that when I came home, they sang happy birthday song as if that day is my birthday. Then, they gave me this priceless gift full of my pics and their messages. Damn, just emphasized how vain I am. Haha! Really, Im so touched.

December 16, 2011

Friday

IT FELT RIGHT! It started out with my 7 am class then I slept at HQ in the morning. Then, I went to Trinoma with Mara and Ces to buy a gift for the 2010 party. I'm nervous. Maybe no one will go at the party. But i'm still hoping. So the whole day passed by, I got my engg shirt. I waited at the carillon and saw a bunch of 2010s and some other batches. I'M SO HAPPY! I didn't expect us to be this many, about 25+. Well, with them is where I really want to celebrate my birthday. I saved up a bit of cash for this but since many did not really confirmed, I got nervous of getting short. I treated them dinner at robinson's and they sang happy birthday to every december celebrant. NOISE! but it was really fun!
After that, we went to Mai's house. Each went to the game of their interest: billiards, pingpong, basketball, monopoly, cards, mahjong, magic sing, piano, guitar, food. wait a sec. food is not part of agreement but there were food. tons of it. And so everyone had fun and some went home early and well, some just came after midnight.

I kind of worked hard to have this. I really want this. I want to be with them. IT REALLY FELT GOOD TO BE AROUND THESE PEOPLE!

December 17, 2011
Saturday
I slept an hour or two. I woke up and saw everyone still doing the same activities. I was hoping we could mingle a little but I guess it's quite impossible. I'm already thankful this happened. Then, that same morning, Mai accidentally said about the cake. Okay, my birthday is just a week done and over my dears. I didn't give much attention to what she said. But when they lit the candles and sang birthday song again. I know I've heard a different song over the days. Really, I wanted to cry. I just don't want them to know so I tried to stop myself in full efforts. Kuya Miko kept on shouting speech like a typical birthday ritual but I'm speechless. Yes, I want to speak, I want to say a lot of things, but something is stopping me that moment. My tongue just became so stiff to move. I just sat and blew the candles and had my wishes like it's December 11 again. The truth is I didn't think of my wish and did not utter it in my mind. I just let out whatever my heart desired that time. Then, I sliced the cake. I don't really slice birthday cakes or any random cakes. That might be the reason why it's not proportional. I got a big slice and the others shared the other big slice. It tasted differently. I had it with a smile. priceless.
Yes, i know it might not really be for me, or is it, but then, i also want to be selfish and have everything for myself at a moment.
I really don't want to go but i must. i keep on thanking mai for everything. AS IN! I owe her a lot. to be honest, from the start i really wanted to be close to her. everybody does. even if she didn't do anything with it, just having her around is fine. haha!
going back to the story. I went home with the cake. I know I should have not brought it because of the long hours of travel, but I also want it. I took it home.
When I got home, I got so tired and just slept. When I woke up, my dad saw me and greeted me. That's rare. One of the best gift's I received maybe.

December 18, 2011

Sunday

I woke up and had our thanksgiving at the church.
Then, after that, they asked me where I want to celebrate. My answer is simple. KFC. We all went to SM Rosario and had dinner. Then, my Mom bought me new sandals, new cardigan. My dad bought me Cluedo and percy jackson 5th book. And well, he also bought me a wallet. Yes, he kept on insisting that I should have this super red wallet which does not match my personality. But I have no right to say no so I took it.
We ended the night by having a drink and cake slices at starbucks. Yum. I love coffee. But then, what I love more is my family.
This is the finale of my week long celebration. and the feelings? it finally sank. :D

My Final Day

written by: jilliane celize alcaraz rebustillo

composed by: me


nagrereminisce lang, eto ung ginwa naming kanta nung aalis si jel papuntang canada, tapos tinugtog namin to sa outing ng 4ensics. miss you jel.

i’ll be missing you
in everything i do
now i’ll be far away
i still hope that i can stay

our happy days
all the times we’ve shared
are now the memories that i will bring forever


* could this be my last stay?
will i ever be back again?
i am not so sure
but i will sing this song for you
for you

chorus:
i want you to know

even if i’m gone
there will still be tomorrow

i want to show you
how much i’ll miss you
cause this might be my final day
“my final day”

please do not be sad
if i will leave this way
i hope you will be safe
as i am leaving this place

( * and chorus except ” ” )

bridge:
i wonder if i’ll never come back
will you ever say i miss you?
cause you’re always in my heart forever… forever

(chorus 2x)

ohhhhh…
my final day…

Pwede Muna Bang Maging Makasarili?

OO.

mahal kita.

eh anu naman? wala naman ako sayo di ba?

tanga tanga ko kasi.

lagi ko ngang sinasabi sa kapatid kong tigilan na niya yung crush niya dahil wala naman siyang mapapala, pero ako naman talaga tong tatanga-tanga.

bakit kasi sa lahat ng tao sa earth ikaw pa. pwede namang ung iba. yung mas natitipuan ko.

eh wala. kahit sino abutin ko, sayo ako nahuhulog.

wala akong ibang ginusto ng ganito. T_T ikaw lang. walang iba.

pero kasi, mayroon ka nang iba. at marahil, kahit wala kang iba, di mo pa din ako pipiliin. kahit ako na ung huling babae sa mundo, alam ko, di mo pa din ako pipiliin.

nakakainis. bakit puro siya na lang T_T. tayo naman. tayo naman. . . tayo na lang. . . kung pwede lang. . .

pero hindi, andyan siya, andyan ka sa tabi niya.

bagay kayo, nagkakagustuhan kayo. edi kayo na!

ako dito lang, magisa, pagmamasdan ka sa malayo at papangarapin ka ng paulit-ulit

hanggang pangarap lang,


kahit papaano, nagpapasalamat ako sayo,
at least magkaibigan tayo

pero sa lahat ng kaibigan mo, ako nang pinakabitin sayo

ikaw kasi, kung ako pinili mo, pangako, gagawin ko lahat, lahat, lahat,

wala na naman akong ibang bagay na gugustuhin pa, kasi ikaw lang naman gusto ko

tayo na lang kasi T_T

kung alam mo lang talaga

haha, baka nga alam mo naman,

pero kung anu mang nalalaman mo, higit pa ito doon.

sobrang daming panahon ang iniukol ko sayo

sobrang daming pagkakataon ang isinakripisyo ko

para sa wala.

kasi nga the word "tayo" does not exist

ang sakit kasi minsan. makita kang masaya sa iba. wala naman kasi akong karapatan.

bahala na.

ipaubaya na lang sa tadhana.

pipilitin ko na lang maging masaya kung nasaan ka ngayon.

kasi yun ang tama.

______________________________________________________________

HAHA.

Isang blogpost na matagal na sa drafts ko. Natatawa na lang ako ngayon.

Ito kasi yung mga araw na infatuated pa din pala ako sa taong yun nang di ko alam.

At kasi, halo-halo na yung nararamdaman ko sa iba't ibang mga bagay kaya nasasabi ko lang yan.

Kaya nga di ko pinopost eh kasi alam ko, baka nagsasalita lang ako out of nowhere. Di ko nga sure kung mahal talaga yun. I guess not. Gusto lang yun. Gusto ko lang siya ng sobra. Pero di mahal.

In fairness naman kasi kay koya. Siya lang naman talaga yung ultimate inspiration ko sa buong college life so far simula first year di ba? Di ko alam bakit eh. Kaya nga ewan ko eh. Attracted lang talaga ako sa charms niya kahit alam kong jerk siya.

Wala. Over na to. Ipopost ko lang din. Nang minsan naisip ko din itong mga bagay na to. haha. Pero tinatype ko kamo yan straight from the heart. OA lang siguro ako niyan ng kaunti. Dramahan. Ewan. Kaya nga yan yung title eh. Walang pakielamanan. Walang basagan ng trip.

Kayo na humusga. haha.

-January 1, 2013

not-so-dear diary (very random)

Dear diary,

                HAY NAKO! NAKAKAINIS! Banaman, magma-Mcdo na nga lang, matatapon pa ang orange juice ko na walang bawas. Sayang no? Lahat naman ng bagay sa mundo sayang pag naisip natin kaagad na hindi ito worthwhile. Pero malay mo, ang sayang sa iyo, pangarap ng iba.

Tulad na lang ng mga makapigil hiningang mga pangyayari sa akin kanina na marahil sa iba’y isang pangkaraniwang, walang kwentang mga segundo ng kani-kanilang buhay. Eh sino ba namang taong hindi mabobother kapag kinausap ka ng crush mo ng harap-harapan, at malapit na malapit sa mukha. Di nga ako makatingin ng diretso. AS IN! Oo na tanga na ko. Gumising na din naman ako sa aking panandaliang panaginip habang katabi niya ang girlaloosh niya. Ay oo, ang lahat ng iyon, wala lang sa kanya. Binabasura lang niya lahat ng pinapangarap ko.

Haha, drama, pwede na akong manalo ng best actress. Nako, marahil pwede nang pang-aniversary special ng Maalaala mo kaya. Joke lang yun, echos lang, eto talaga ang totoong storya.

                One day, isang araw, nagtanong ako sa matanda, “Bakit ganito po ang mga tao?”. Madalian namang may sumagot sa akin, “Mayroon lamang dalwang uri ng tao sa daigdig. Ang isa ay tagapagtanghal at ang isa ay ang tagapagmasid”. Inisip ko mabuti ang sagot ng matanda. Isip. Isip. Wala nga pala ako nun. Maya-maya pa’y naglakad-lakad ako sa kanto ng Palaris habang umuulan at ang buwa’y natakluban na ng sandamakmak na mga ulap. Madilim. Kaya siguro tinawag na Diliman. Nakakatakot. Parang walang katapusan ang aking nilalakad. At naisipan kong aliwin ang sarili sa kanta ni Britney Spears para maibsan ang natatamasang takot. Anong kanta? Circus.
                “There’s only two types of people in the world. The ones that entertain and the ones that observe.” OMAYGAD! Dun pala galing yung sinabi ng matanda kanina! Sino namang matanda ang sasagot ng kanta ni Britney Spears? Weird. Okay, marahil wala nga kong nakausap na matanda. Marahil, gawa-gawa ko lang. But the point is, maganda si Britney! AY! Di pala iyon. The point is, may entertainer at observer talaga sa mundo. Saan ka kaya kabilang? The active? Or the passive? Ako kaya? Kayo na ang humusga. Pero seryoso, LSS ko yung theme song nung Anghelito, Batang Ama.

At heto, nakarating na ako ng bahay habang walang modo kong inagaw kay AIREEN (a new coined nick name for my roommate) ang kanyang laptop at ginawa ko tong random thoughts. Not just random, dapat SUPER RANDOM. Ayan na nga eh, nangungullit anung pangalan ng dish kung dish siya, di ko naman maisip. Ayun, after a few moments, naging wildberry cheese kate. Labo. Pero mas malabo ako. At least aminado. O siya, night night na, alas-syete pa klase ko, nakakainis.

                MWAH MWAH CHUP CHUP NIGHT NIGHT!

-KATKAT

To Be Honest

Because I don't want anyone else find this out and this might be the safest place. And, well, if you happen to stumble here, shhhhh. You might not care at all but I might need a little respect.

You see, I still have this hang over of the Pacquiao-Marquez fight and it really, as in REALLY, it super duper controversial. I know judges' decision is final and I'm nothing but just a viewer so I don't really know how things work out there. I just felt bad for Marquez because he worked so hard for months and did really well. Then he cried. He left the ring but the crowd cheers for him. I don't know how it called moment of truth when it made things worse.

I don't get it. I don't feel like going into competitions. Yeah, I might also be scared of losing but the most important thing for me is I don't want to let others down. If I feel I'm not good enough (which I always feel) I decline. 

A REALLY BIG COWARD!

Okay. I want to say it directly. No more extra twists. Here it is . . . I don't feel like participating for the Engineering Week. I don't want to be part even a bit of it. I don't know if it is pride or I'm just tired of it but I guess, I can't handle the pressure.

COWARD! CHICKEN!

I remembered the chicken joke again. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Does the answer really matter? Well, why can't it cross the road anyway? Is it forbidden? The thing is, being a chicken, it was not chickened out to cross. Yeah, I'm really silly. But think about it. Once started, it is followed. hard to change. Once human desires, they make it happen, no matter how it-should-not-happen happening it is. It's the way it is.

This is one reason why opportunities are finite. Like the chicken, why would you question it crossing the road. (Okay, that ends my chicken analogy, it's so silly.) When we find things unreasonable, we question. we don't let it happen.

Okay, I'm a bit agitated. About the Eng'g week. Maybe I'm the one wrong. I'm the one questioning right now and I'm the one who doesn't want to participate but to start with, I don't feel at all welcome.

(I hope really no one reads this. Yeah, I'ts my fault to post this in a public place but I know you also find the time when you want to shout at something. This is shouting for me.)

Every single day. I just feel like someone slapping me. FRUSTRATION. a lot of it, different kinds. I want to dance, to sing, to act, to play basketball, to play volleyball, to be in everything but no. It's hard when frustration collides with cowardice. a really bad feeling. Really, I feel intimidated by others. I don't feel that I'm not good enough. I tried before, but just proves I'm really not good enough. 

Actually, I had chance to audition but I didn't grab it. I think I already have a phobia of auditioning. I hate it more than performing on stage. Well, I didn't audition for Awitan because I'm not allowed. I have a good reason that no one will understand in the group then this guy, he did what should not be done. I won't give anymore details. Well, another, last year, I remember last year I was asked to join one sport but I declined because I'm sick but I didn't tell I'm sick. I just said no. Now, they look for players and not minding asking me might be because of before. 

Yeah, I got a job. I kind of like be part of handling our team for Dulaang Eng'g but I don't know. I think it's a good chance but something's stopping me. I don't feel like participating. What's wrong with me? I'm given a chance but I don't want it. Last year I did, but now, no.

I don't want any of it.

Okay, I suck. I'm a big loser. A total COWARD. If someone does not trust me, I start doubting myself. If someone does not like me, I hate myself more. I guess my happiness is still dependent of others'. I can't stand for myself yet. I can't fight for what I believe in. I'm nobody. I'm a laugh-about. I'm a big JOKE!

but I'm also human. I want a time for myself. I want to be selfish at times. unfortunately, this is what I'm stressed over for a moment. I want to feel that someone believes in me for me to see it's true. 

I don't want this. my tragedy is others' comedy. I want to hold on but I can't. I don't know how to start. When I start, I don't how to end. Maybe, I just need more time but until when? This is what always bothers me and this couldn't take forever. 

PLEASE! OH PLEASE! 

Please help me find what I seek. someone, please.