Renaissance

It's official. Umiikot na muli ang tumigil kong mundo.

• After n iterations, nakaescape na ko sa nakamamatay, never-ending time loop ng END OF THE WORLD.

MABUHAY!

Simula ng dumating ang 2015 puro pagpapala ang nakamit ko maliban na lamang sa sakit, sa inip, sa agit na paghihintay ng mga grado. Pero ngayon, okay na. Nagbubukas na ang maraming daan patungo sa kinabukasan. My future is HD again. At siguro, hindi naman makasasakit kung mag-iisang round pa ng pagbabalik-tanaw.

2013. Kung mapapansin mo, hindi ako sumulat ng pang-2013. Ganoon ko na lang siguro siya kagustong ibaon at makalimutan. Sa bagay, parang ulit lang din siya ng 2012. Ulit-ulit. Ikot-ikot. Dahan-dahan. Hindi ko namalayan, nagana na pala ulit ang Great Depression sa loob ko. Para bang hinoholocaust itong damdamin ko. Bugbog sarado ang pagkatao ko. At kumapit na lamang ako sa bagay na hindi ko nakikita. Hindi ko nga alam kung meron talagang nasa mga kamay ko noon basta hindi ako bumitaw, malapit na, pero hindi ako bumitaw.

2014. Ang taon pagkatapos ng peak ng Dark Ages. Unang bahagi nito, wala. Wala akong maramdaman. Hindi ako masaya, hindi ako malungkot, plain lang. Nagiinarte sa love life pero chaka lang talaga. Bukod doon, naiisip kong tumakas sa ibang lugar. Handa na ko noon eh. Kung hindi nga lang naman ako nilindol ng pagkagulat nang makita kong biglang pumasa ako sa lahat ng subjects ko. Himala. May plano na talaga ako pag bumagsak ako, yun lang pag pumasa, wala pa. Basta ang sign na hiningi ko ay iyon at binigay ng hindi ko inaasahan. At doon, ako'y nangamba. Hindi ko din masasabing masaya ako kasi nalito nanaman ako. Ngunit, ang mga tala na ang nagsabi na pumasok ulit ako sa time loop at humanap ng ibang exit. At alam mo ba? Kahit na karamihan ng subjects ko ay katulad lamang ng kinuha ko noong nakaraang taon, iba ang naramdaman ko. Bahala na. Hindi ko na inisip ang ending basta ang alam ko masaya ako. Kahit na lahat ay luma, lahat ay bago. Ang gulo pero ganoon eksakto ang nararamdaman ko. Noong unang bahagi ng semsetre, oo, naging malungkot ako dahil sa mga alitan at mga problema pero sa tingin ko, naging bahagi siya kung bakit ako tumibay ngayon. Iyon nga lang, kahit na naging independent ako, sa tingin ko, mas naging makasarili ako. Hardcore! Alam mo iyong gumagawa ako ng mga bagay hindi dahil kailangan, kung hindi dahil gusto ko at masaya ako. Nagbago bigla ang pananaw ko. Hanggang sa matapos ang taon, masaya talaga ako iyon lang.

2015. Happy New Year. Oo, Happy. Sobrang saya ko ngayon. Hindi ko na masukat. Okay iyong grades ko. Okay na okay! Hindi ko na nga alam kung makatarungan pa ito. Kasi, naging habit ko nang matakot maging masaya. Sunod-sunod ang blessings, sana hindi maubos. Oo, sabi ko bahala na kung ano lumabas. I mean, kung bumagsak man ako, tatanggapin ko kasi naging masaya naman ako. Pero wala din akong plan B in case bumagsak ako ngayon. Bahala na. Buti na lang hindi nangyari, sobra sobra pa.

Sana hindi na ulit ako kainin ng wormhole. Sana tuluy-tuloy na ang aking paglalakbay. Kung may gusto man akong i-time travel, gusto ko iyong patungong future, hindi sa past. Kahit na sana suicide ang subjects ko ngayon. Sana maging masaya ako at maging worth it lahat. At iyon, natutunan kong correlated ang happiness at productivity. Kitang kita naman.

2012. 2013. 2014. You are officially done. Closed. Concluded. Credits.
2015. Here I come. Let us be friends.

What to Do Next?

Okay. I have finished Leverage and it was astonishing! I mean it was generally cool. From the start, it was really coo. The problem is, it's always cool. I mean, for all five seasons it has been consistently cool. There were no general growth or general closure to the opening except for Parker. Parker is love. It was quite a show. Well, maybe I took longer time watching it than expected. But then, after that I was afraid to ask, "What now?". Yes, I got a pile of things to watch in my data memory waiting to be touched. But gosh, I don't know what to pick and how to start. And so, I decided to have a marathon of pilot episodes today. Yeah, I got to tell someone about it. Thank you for being there blog. Here is the list of the pilot episodes I watched today according to order:

• Nero Wolfe Mystery
• Doctor Who
• Sherlock
• Breaking Bad
• Game of Thrones
• How to Get Away With Murder
• Jekyll
• Firefly
• Coupling

And I'm just going to share some thoughts about them. Note that I have only watched the pilot episode. They also differ in quality and this affects my enthusiasm and judgement sometimes. Also, while I was Breaking Bad, I got distracted by other things and it has bugged my head after that.

Nero Wolfe Mystery. Mystery set in 1940's. High production. Really familiar faces because some of them is a cast in Leverage. I don't know why but I really liked it, that vintage feeling, though every episode is really long for me. The thought of how modern-day people rebuild the past amazes me and kept me thinking how each episode will turn out. The story is okay. I mean, it's quite like a typical detective case. I mean, some parts got me curious and some parts, I got a little bit lost. Well, the scores are cool too, by the way. I'll watch this series, I'm pretty sure. Maybe, I just won't marathon it.

Doctor Who. Fantasy, quite creepy and the main character has ADHD. I am not really fascinated by the foreign beings and effects but I can say that doctor played well to make the episode interesting. It felt like I was watching one of those Sci-Fi alien stuff for teens. Anyway, even if there are many things in the episode that I wouldn't really like (like the plastic dolls, weird looking aliens, girly stuff), I actually liked it. It got me curious to know what will happen in the next episodes. I'll definitely watch it.

Sherlock. Mystery with a classic touch in the modern-day era. The pilot episode showed the arrogant side of Sherlock which I didn't expect so much. It was nice and the graphics and effects were too. I just think the mystery was a little bit too convoluted but really is simple. Maybe, the mix up of a classic and modern time didn't turn out well for me. Anyway, I like how the main characters' personality were built and introduced. The story line was too linear for me, no much thinking required. All the cards are on the table and someone else faces it up for you. But yeah, don't get me wrong. It was really nice. I'll probably watch the next episode.

Breaking Bad. Concept, introduction, cinematography and direction were great. I really loved it. I mean, I wasn't paying the whole time because like I said, I got interrupted by something, but hey, I still liked it. Along with the general story, there are hidden messages in the scenes. It felt like I was watching a nice film. It really got my taste. I'll definitely going to watch this, no doubt about it.

Game of Thrones. Lore. Kingdoms. Feels like Lord of the Rings The Series. I got bored. Aside from the fact that I got really really distracted, I wasn't able to follow the story well. I really think it was nice. It will usually appeal to my younger self who likes lore. But then, my current self got pissed off with the treatment to ladies. Well, it's understandable, though. The story is intriguing in general. It is made to be that way. This is perfect for people who loves to tell stories. Aside from that, the production is awesome. Camera angles were good, if you know what I mean. Well, it was a challenge. The production is great. The people were gorgeous and good. Overall, it is just okay. I might watch it in the future especially because of the nice hanging ending.

How to Get Away With Murder. Lawyer stuff. It was interesting. Interesting direction, interesting story. I like the main character. What I don't like is the affair of the teacher thing. Yeah, I know, it is a main part of the story and it is quite essential. I don't know, I just don't like to mix things up. You got her character established and destroyed on the same day. Yes, I like it but I think I won't like all the points it will be pointing. I am not sure what you should really get after watching the show. Maybe, I'll check out some more episodes, but I'm not certain if I'll finish it. It would depend on the story. But then, so far so good.

Jekyll. Another interesting show. Amazing showmanship from the main character. He deserves an award. The problem is, I am not so familiar with the classic story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I just know the basics. Then, I also got lost at some point. I mean for a pilot episode, I don't really understand what is the general point of the episode. The only thing I got is building the main character and that is the main problem. It's a nice story line but the episode itself is not persuasive enough to watch the next episode. Or maybe, I was looking for more evidence or more realism in the story. It has the potential. It was just not introduced properly, that is all. I like the suspense. I fell for it. I will watch the next episode because it's just a mini-series and the story is there. I think future episodes will be better.

Firefly. Futuristic space cowboy story. I'm lost all throughout. I lost focus on everything. I'm not sure if I had enough for the day or the story is really not presented well. Yes, it was hard to grasp. I mean it was set on the future but the feeling is like the present. It's just current problems on a different setting. Mixing up the space and wild wild west is cool. But then, no one really stands out for me. It's either I'll try to watch the first episode again on a better mood, or if I happen to have time and interest to watch the next episode then, why not. Maybe in the future me but as of now, I'm not into it.

Coupling. Sitcom. Comedy. Relationships. I loved it. The lines were good and witty. The scenes generally has a point. Though, I cannot compare it to the other shows since it is a different thing, it was satisfying to be the last for the day. An episode is short and light. I already watched the second episode! I'll definitely finish this.

I've never been so much of an enthusiast in these kind of things but maybe now, I am. It's not far from watching movies anyway, well, aside from the fact that in series, it is just the start of something. Funny, since I am not yet over with Leverage, I tend to react or incorporate the actors/actresses to their Leverage roles. Yeah, like it felt like Gina Bellman is like a con artist even in Coupling and Jekyll. Obviously, Timmy Hutton felt like an intelligent person in Nero Wolfe Mystery. Sterling in Leverage is still as annoying in Firefly. This was really fun. I got something to do next and there are so much of it. I hope it will be worth it like it did today.

Mr. Clean

Oo, ikaw nga Mr. Clean. Pero just as I learned it myself, I realized, it's not it. As of this vacation period, hindi ako apektado. Hindi kita naiisip. Wala akong pakialam in general.

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe

And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

At least may natututunan ako tungkol sa sarili ko. I mean, I realized you posses something na familiar. You remind me of a friend. You also remind me of myself, sometimes. That's it. Now that I got it, I think I don't want to play anymore.

There you have it. Mystery with a touch of a familiar memory catches my attention real quick. At least ganyan yung situation sa past interests ko. I think I have been looking for something that doesn't exist and ended up at your doorsteps. It doesn't matter now, does it? I mean, it's vacation. Let us take a break to overthinking activities. Bahala na next year kung ano mangyayari and that will explain everything hopefully.

Salamat na din sa lahat. Kahit papaano naging isa ka sa mga dahilan bakit naging makulay ang semestre ko. Good luck din sa iyo.

Titanic: After 2AM (Part 12)

Minsan pagkatapos ng ulan, nagkakaroon ng bahaghari, o kaya nama'y nagkakaroon ng flash floods. Minsan naman, sabay.

Ang hirap. Alam ko nag-ooverthink ako, pero ganoon talaga ako. Hobby ko na lang ang mag-ipon ng happy crush at kumota araw-araw. Umaasa nga ako na sana sila na lang talaga yung tunay kong gusto. Problem is hindi talaga, as of now.

Ang hirap talaga. Alam mo yung feeling na parang iniiwasan ka ng tao pero baka overthinker lang ako at hindi talaga pero the struggle is real. Gusto ko na talagang pigilan sarili ko. I mean nagagawa ko na siya I think kahit papaano externally pero internally, hindi ko pa din kayang pigilan sarili kong isipin ka. Ngayon nga iniisip ko kung pupunta ako sa iyo. Most likely, oo. Tapos, ano na? Ewan ko.

Napakalaking distraction sa finals week. Haha kasalanan ko naman. Pero sana sa sembreak may mangyaring kanaisnais. Bahala na. I allow myself today to have impulsive decisions.

Pero wait, may isa pa akong bagay na inooverthink. Ngayong linggo kasi, parang may instances na bumabalik yung microfeelingsko sa dati. Akala ko sa sarili ko tapos na talaga iyon. Nakakatawa. Hindi ko alam kung hindi pa talaga ako nakakamove on tapos ikaw iyong ginawa kong panakip-butas, o sa kagustuhan kong makaget over sa iyo ay ginagawa ko siyang panakip-butas. Actually, eitherway ayaw ko. Gusto ko na lang maging halaman. Gusto ko magkaroon ng normal kong gusto. Gusto ko na lang talaga gustuhin yung happy crush ko.

Kaso hindi talaga ngayon.

Watershed Transform

Ang sabaw ng una kong post tungkol sayo. Hindi ko alam. Nung binasa ko ulit, ang sabi ko na lang "WHUUUUT?!?!"

Anyway, wala pa akong naisip na tag para dito. Saka na. Edit ko na lang. Pati nga title ng post ko eh, ang random. Sorry, after effect siguro sa akin ng CoE 123 Exam. Pero bukod dun, kasi water, tapos shed, gets mo na yun.

ANYWAY ULIT, siguro dahil sa kakarelate ko sa iyo sa bodies of water, required na ata na ang post ko related sa iyo ay sabaw. HAHA.

ETO TALAGA, seryoso na.

Alam ko naman na eh. Sinabi mo from the start. Nilinaw mo ang never-ending line sa gitna nating dalawa. From that moment, sabi ko na walang patutunguhan ito. Pero wala pa din, di tumalab ang mga babala ko sa sarili at nagtuloy pa din ang damdamin sa kanyang kahangalan patungo sayo.

Tapos dumating ako sa point na hinahanap na kita. Hindi ko mapigil yung sarili ko tignan ang presence mo at hintayin ka matulog. Ano yun, routine? Well, di naman lagi. Di kita laging gusto. Pero ayon minsan, tulad ngayon. HAY NAKO! Balita ko kasi, kahapon nakapagdecide na akong iwasan ka or ilimit na yung atensyon ko sa'yo. Pero pusang gala ang hirap. 

Ngayon nga eh, hindi ko alam. Feeling ko sumosobra na ako kaya naisipan kong itigil na. Pero naiisip ko pa lang na gagawin ko, bigla kitang naiisip, biglang parang hindi ko kayang gawin, lalo na ngayon, minsan na lang kita makita.

Seryoso, nakakamiss. At nakakainis kasi nakakamiss. Akala mo andami nang pinagdaanan eh pero wala naman talaga at feeling ko wala talaga akong karapatan makamiss o makaramdam ng kahit anong extreme feelings para sa iyo. At naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil doon.

BAKIT GANITO! Bakit ang hirap? Bakit may kirot? Bakit?

BAHALA NA!

Matatapos na ang sem. Baka makalimot din ako sa bakasyon. Pero sana wag na maulit yung dati na lumala pagbalik. HAHA.

Mapaglarong tadhana, ano bang gusto mong mangyari? Bakit tayo gumagawa ng mga bagay na nakakasakit sa sarili?

Sorry dahil nahuhulog ako sa iyo, hindi ko sinasadya. Sorry sa lahat ng abala. Sorry kung hindi ko din kaya maging enough para sa iyo. Sorry kung hindi ako ang kailangan mo.

Sa sobrang kakaisip ko sa mga bagay na ito, nagimpulsive sama na lang ako sa fieldwork kahit na may exam ako sa lunes. Magpapakalunod na lang ako sa dagat doon. Ilulubog ko kasama ng feelings ko para sa iyo.

HAY! Mag-aaral na nga lang ako.

Shirtsleeves

"I can taste salt water

And if I blink again

You'll be sinking in

So we'll learn to swim in the oceans you made

I'll hold ya and you'll think of him

And pretty soon you'll be floating away"

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kanta ni Ed Sheeran ang naisip kong title para sa post na ito, or alam ko pero di ako sure. Sa tingin ko ka kasi, may point na nakuha atensyon ko sa kanta habang nakuha mo din iyong atensyon ko. Wait, sino?

Habang pinapakinggan ko si Sheeran, oo ibang kanta iyong nagustuhan ko. Basta isang araw, napansin ko na ang cute ng kantang ito. Parang ang saya niya kasi parang ang pagkakaintindi ko pa eh pag malungkot ka andito ako para sa iyo.

Oops.

Mali yung pagkakaintindi ko. Hindi pala siya masaya. Hindi talaga. At mas lalo pa nitong kinuha ang atensyon ko.

Maiba tayo. Hindi ko din alam bakit ko inaassociate ang mga tao sa kanta. At so far, madami na akong naassociate sa'yo pero ito pinili ko muna because reasons. :)

LORD! SANA HINDI HINDI NIYA ITO MABASA KAHIT IPOST KO PUBLICLY SA NET HAHA! PERO SANA PAG NABASA NIYA EITHER HINDI NIYA MAGETS OR MAGSTAY KAMI AS FRIENDS. :) HUHU friends nga ba tayo? :( (haha, wala namang nagbabasa ng posts ko eh.)

Hindi ko talaga inaacknowledge na may gusto ako sa iyo pero parang dahil sa post na ito, oo na din. Hindi ko talaga kaya maging sure sa ganitong mga feelings and sorry about that. Basta ang alam ko may times na napapaisip ako dahil sa iyo and I care for you, kahit as friends.

Anyway, kilala naman na kita beforehand pero nagstart talaga iyon nung inaya kita sumama sa akin. Wala akong feelings nung time na yon ha, nagyaya lang talaga ako kasi wala akong kasama. Tapos nagkwento ako sa iyo. Tapos nagkwento ka din. Masyado akong stressed nung araw na iyon so legit talagang wala akong ibang iniisip nung time na iyon kung hindi sarili kong problema. After that, wala pa din talaga. Pero naging concerned ako as friend. Medyo nakuha mo atensyon ko. At in fairness, nag-enjoy naman ako sa company mo. Thanks nga pala kasi nakatulong ka para ma-ease yung nararamdaman ko that time.

(Ang kulit, so saan nga nagstart?)

Well, right after. Tinuloy mo lang iyong sinasabi mo at mas nakuha mo ang atensyon ko. Tapos napaisip na ako sa sinabi mo. Tapos, inisip ko na din iyong mga sinabi mo beforehand. Mas naintindihan ko habang iniisip ko pa lalo. That moment, gusto kita yakapin at sabihing magiging okay lang ang lahat pero ang random naman nun if ever.

A few days ata after that, may ibang incident na nangyari. Nagburst ka ng feelings sa harap ko. Friend, hindi ko alam gagawin ko. I tried my best comfort you pero ang hirap mo maniwala.

At siguro dito sa mga incident na ito nagstart nga lahat. Wait, inisip ko nga pala na ganyan ka in general. I mean, hindi lang sakin. Kung nagkataon na ibang tao kasama mo, same lang nangyari at same lang yung gagawin mo. I mean, I know I'm not special pero that doesn't matter naman.

Pero legit, kahit as a friend gusto kita isave but I am as powerless. Strong ka, iyon yung alam ko. pero ayaw kitang nakikitang malungkot. Okay lang sa akin na magkwento ka tungkol sa iba mong gusto pero sana iyong nagpapasaya sa iyo hindi iyong sinasaktan ka lang lalo.

Hindi ko sinasadya itong feelings na ito pero kahit as a friend I wanted to be there for you. I want to make you feel your worth. Ayaw kong dinodown mo sarili mo kasi hindi ka kadown-down. I know for a fact that you are amazing. Yes. And I think, that is one reason bakit hindi ko maiwasang magfall.

Super weird pag sinabi ko sa iyo iyong nararamdaman ko. Una, dahil hindi ako sure. Pangalawa, ewan. Basta madaming rason.

Sorry parang wala nang flow itong post ko. Isa ito sa pinakasabog kong post ever! Haha! Alas-kwatro na ng umaga at hindi pa ako natutulog. Kanina kasi wala ako sa mood magblog tapos inipon ko ulit iyong feelings ko masulat lang ito.

Anyway, going back to the topic, sure akong gusto kong maging close sa iyo. At oo, nasa stage ako ngayon na hirap na hindian ka pag may hinihingi kang favor kahit na medyo may nasasacrifice, hindi ko siguro maiiisip.

Tapos natatawa ako nung tinanong niyo ko kung sino mga crush ko, sumisigaw na yung damdamin ko ng "IKAW! IKAW!" pero syempre sinabi ko iyong ibang minor crush ko. Tapos natatawa din ako pag nagrereact ka sa mga pinopost ko naman na nagpepertain naman sa iyo. Wala lang, medyo funny.

As of now, this state, i think mawawala din ito. Phase lang ganyan, na medyo malaki magnitude. Huhu, sana hindi ka naiirita kung randomly makulit ako. Lagi ka kasing bitin magkwento.

LORD! PLEASE SANA TALAGA! ARGHHHH!!! OO, ILANG BUWAN NA ITONG INTERNAL STRUGGLE BECAUSE OF REASONS, KAHIT HELL WEEK KO DUMADAAN SA ISIP KO PERO NAGTAGAL SIYA NANG WALA AKONG PINAGSASABIHAN.

Ang ironic lang kasi. Bakit sayo pa? Bakit ikaw pa? Bakit sa ganitong season? Bakit sa ganitong situation? Bakit? Basta ang hirap iexplain kung bakit ako nagtatanong pero yung totoo, bakit nga?

Tulad ng nature ng post na ito ang takbo ng utak ko at ng situation ko. Wala pang kasunod. Bahala na bukas. Gustuhin man kita makita at kausapin hindi ko naman alam ano sasabihin at dapat gawin. Ewan ko, siguro presence mo okay na. Basta iyon yung mga wish ko for now. Sana maging close tayo lalo at sana makamit mo yung happiness. Kapag masaya ka in any way, masaya na din ako. :) At kapag malungkot ka, dito lang ako. :)

"When salted tears won't dry

I'll wipe my shirtsleeves

Under your eyes

These hearts will be flooded tonight

I'll wipe my shirtsleeves

Under your eyes"

:))

"...Your eyes, your eyes, your eyes, your eyes, your eyes."

Getting Into the Mood Again

I will start blabbering about random current stuff just to get into the mood of blogging, for I have not done it in months.

Grabe start pa lang ng sem yung huling time ako nagblog! Eh, ang dami nang ganap, andami nang nagbago, andami nang moments na hindi ko nasulat. There, there future self if nakalimutan mo man yung mga iyon at wag mo sana isisi sa past self mo dahil hindi niya naiblog kasi naging busy siya. Intindihin mo na lang. 

Anyway, random share number one, music-dependent pa din ako. Himala kasi hindi lumang mga kanta lang yung pinakikinggan ko. Legit, andami nang bago sa playlist ko compared sa dating ako na paulit-ulit lang, pabalikbalik sa nakaraan.

Ano pa bang bago sakin nayong sem? Ah, iyon, puro programming stuff ako ngayong sem. Iyon na ata pinakapeg kong matutunang skill ngayon. Nag-CS org ako tapos may tatlong programming class ako ngayong sem. Sobrang hassle! Pero masaya kahit papaano.

Tapos, random clingy-ness sa random people. May bagong set ng mga tao na naaattach ako. HUHUHU HERE WE GO AGAIN. Tapos lalo lang lumalaki distance ko sa ibang tao for some reason I don't know or I know but I'm not willing to find out.

Mga stress ko this season? hmm. Mostly ilalagay ko sa isang bukod na post, baka yung "One Liter of Litter" na post. That same old insecurity. :))

Ops! By the way, nabaon na sa baul yung after 2AM sessions. Iba na iyung tinutukoy ko sa future post na "Shirtsleeves". Abangan na lang.
On the other hand, part of me wants to give up on this sem pa din. Ironically, im relatively doing great naman. this sem is relatively one of my favorite despite all of those pesky requirements. I don't know. Siguro nagiging chicken nanaman ako. Siguro alam ko sa sarili ko na may danger pa din akong mawala next sem. I mean, as of now wala akong future. Dead end pa. Alam niyo namang isa akong tipo ng tao na plano ng plano pero this time talaga, I map a dozen of if-else statement pero none of it is really that certain. Pwedeng maging super EEE na ko next sem or magshift, or magLOA/AWOL, lumipat ng school, tumigil mag-aral o kung ano man. May extra thin na line sa two opposite edges of life. And I'm trying to be extra careful. :)

Anyway, sige na nga! :) Magpopost na din ako ng ibang supposed-to-be posted ko na na post. (That was a super redundant statement.) I'll try to remind myself of how I feel at certain moments na linipasan na ng panahon. Pero ayun, ongoing pa naman sila so may fresh feelings pa din na involved. :)