BITTER # 6

Pebrero sais dos mil dose.

Sa dinami dami ng nangyari ngayong araw, nagkandahalo-halo na ang aking nadarama dulot ng madami at iba't ibang mga bagay. Ano nga bang pangunahing sanhi ng aking pagkalumo?

nung sabado. . .

isang makabagbag damdaming pagtatagpo ang naganap sa pagitan ko at ng aking isang matalik na kaibigan a.k.a. ex (ata). Oo, sino pa ba. napadaan lang naman siya sa UP para sa isang proyekto kasama ang ilan sa kanyang mga kaibigan mula sa Beda. Nkaformal pa nga sila dahil galing sila sa isang hotel event at ako naman, nakapambahay, bongga! the point is, di naging awkward, amazingly, to think na ang huli naming pagkikita ay awkward moments ng nakaraan na tila ayaw ko nang alalahanin. Nayakap ko naman siya ng mabuti na walang halong malisya o kung ano man. basta alam niyo na ang ibang nangyari. the usual.

nung linggo. . .

nagpicnic, nakipagkwentuhan ng mga nakaraan na dapat talaga ay aral. may aral pa din naman eh. basta, dami ko biglang naalala. sumakit din ang ulo ko. magulo.

AT SYEMPRE NGAYON (NA TUNAY NA KATUTURAN NG POST NA ITO). . .

oo ngayon. . . .di ko nga alam paano umpisahan, umikot-ikot pa ako sa kung anu-anong araw na dumaan, wala namang relasyon ngayon, pinatagal ko lang talaga.

it all started nang gumising ako ng umaga at medyo madilim-dilim pa ang kalangitan. Para kanino ba ako bumabangon? Naisip ko para talaga mag-aral at harapin once and for all ang physics 73 second exam. target is a hundred percent pero ni pumasa para pa ding imposible gawin. nagkaroon ako ng study mates along the way pero nagdulot lang ito sa akin ng pagkatampo sa isang malapit na kaibigan. Ngayon lang talaga to, sori talaga, di ko sinasadya na minsan mafeel ko na di na katulad ng dati na mas madalas kita makasama, kasi nga may *ehem* iba na ngayon ang sitwasyon. Owel, understanding na lang.

tapos, aun exam na, nakakasabaw na tatlong oras ng buhay ko. malamang sa malamang, maniniwala na ako sa time dilation. eh kasi naman, bat di sapat ang mahabang oras sa isang exam na ganun, tapos ang hirap, bumigay talaga ako kasama nung dalwang bolpen na hiniram ko sa katabi ko. siguro nga may sumpa na ako sa physics exam, dapat titigil lahat ng bolpen na gamit ko.

so pagkatapos ng exam, ako nanaman, hoping, super. sana matuloy ang planadong dance central kahit walang laman ang wallet ko. pero isa-isa din silang nagback-out. naghanap na lang ako ng matinung kausap after exam pero wala talaga. Na-OP lang ako sa kanila. marahil isang uri na din ng pagtatampo. siguro dulot ung pagkaOP ko ng aftermath nila ng CWTS camp pero nakakainis pa rin talaga. so naglakad ako magisa sa initan galing NIP papuntang tambayan, still hoping na may makausap ako ng matino, habang sila, dumaan sakay ng kotse at binati ako. pinilit kong maglabas ng pekeng ngiti pero di ko din pala kaya. paluhang-paluha na ako nun eh. ayaw ko lang din namang umiyak.

pagdating sa tambayan, may mga nakatulong naman sa pagmimitigate ng kalungkutan ko. pero may mga taong hindi kasi napapanahon ang pagbanat. edi sila na ang may joke at ako na ang wala. pakialam ko ba. sori talaga pero ang iritable ko kanina. wala ako sa mood makipaglokohan sa harap ng mga tao. di ba pedeng sayo na lang pag-usapan? di ka naman pinapakialamanan ha. wala kasing ganyanan.

bat pa ba ako apektado. di ko naman siya gusto. pero ung fact kasi na sa harap ng mga taong involved sinasabi kahit paloko lang e ayaw ko kasi baka mamisinterpret. o baka wala lang talaga ako sa mood ngayon.

tapos, ayun, ako, ganun pa din, hoping. sana magiging maayos ang araw kaya nakisama sa kainan sa exe picnic. nakatabi siya. weird lang. pero okay lang.

i can feel the pressure

it's getting closer now

we're better off 

without you

haist, sarap kumanta, sayang bawal bumirit, andaming tao. medyo okay na ako. kahit medyo parang sampler lang kinain ko at least libre na may lakip na libreng kaligayahan. kasa-kasama ko ang isa pang tao. bigla siyang dumating. wala lang naman. masama bang matuwa.

Medyo napawi na ang ilang pait na dumaan sa maghapon. ano nga bang dahilan ng aking pagkalumo? tampo sa malapit na kaibigan? tampo sa barkada? tampo sa mga pinagkakatiwalaang tao? exam? pagpigil ng nararamdaman? o etong dates, marshmallow at nuts na kinakain ko ngayon? feeling ko nalalasing na nga ako eh.

ayan na. uwian na. napuno muli ako ng pag-asa.

at sa paglalim ng gabi. . . .

matapos ang isang buong araw ng pagkauhaw sa pag-asa. . . . . .

may nalaman ako. . . . 

at ang masasabi ko lang. . . . . .

sayang.

Ships Sink In, Relationships Sink Within: A Birthday Diary

December 10, 2011
Saturday

The past whole week, i thought of nothing else but acads, specifically, exams. Yes, what a welcome-second-sem we had this day. WE HAD 3 LONG EXAMS! yes, you read that right, 3 LONG EXAMS! and each is composed of 3 hours so I have to wake up early to have EEE 35 8 to 11 in the morning. I had EEE 23 1 to 4 in the afternoon and ES 1, 4 pm to 7 pm. C-C-C-COMBO BREAK!
SOUP! SOUP! *english for sabaw* I FEEL SOUP! Good way to celebrate is by going to sarah tiu's birthday bash. Yeah, thanks to her. Actually I am more thankful than I seem to be because I thought she wouldn't invite me. THANKS! So there it is. we celebrated her day. She treated us dinner in Wok Dis Way. Scrumptious! Kuya AJ and Kuya Joe bought a cake for her and with lit candles, we sang merrily the birthday song.
They shared the cake with me. I had a few slices and gave it to others and had some more. Then, they started teasing me for having the rest of the cake so they lit up the candles again and sang happy birthday again WITHOUT all of them knowing it's really my birthday in few hours.
Then, we went to Mcdo then Drew's. I spent more hours to wait for Mai's fetcher and so I celebrated my day with CKT people. (even if i'm in soup state). Then, they greeted me even if it does not sink in in my mind yet.

December 11, 2011
Sunday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY?! Really?! Only few people greeted me the whole day. Mainly CKT people and some Angkan people boardmate people and very very few HS people. My best friends didn't. I really don't feel it. I went to trinoma and had my lunch alone around people having fun with other people. Actually, I'm waiting for my Mom. I said I won't go home anymore so she just visited me. But I kind of pitied myself eating alone. Then, there. Mom came and I went around the mall with her. I guess it's okay but it really felt like a typical day. Doesn't sink in at all.

December 12, 2011
Monday

Typical day. Nothing seems to matter. Yes, some people like my best pal already greeted me but still. I prepared the apps orientation presentation in the morning for angkan. went to HQ in the afternoon and more people greeted me. Then, had a meeting with memcom at Chowking in the evening. nothing new. nothing more to expect, it's over.

December 13, 2011
Tuesday

Typical day, again. Classes in the morning and in the afternoon. The only non-typical thing is that I hosted the apps orientation of angkan. That might be a bit of my happiness. We had dinner afterwards. Quite typical, but I'm starting to feel the change. Sinking in?

December 14, 2011
Wednesday

Today is different. Well, forget the day. What matters is the night. I watched Indakan this day. with some of my fave Circuit friends. with my bestest best friend. Yeah, I'm being a bit selfish for considering this as a birthday gift to myself. I saw crush number 63 and crush number 66 too. What more can I ask for? I had fun. I enjoyed everything even the event itself. Which I'm still looking forward in the future.
Ces Digneneng stayed with me in the boarding house because it's too late to go home. Yeah, it's not anymore too late but too early. We still had heart to heart talks till I don't remember. We jst slept an hour and we still had 7 am class. BOOM!

December 15, 2011
Thursday
Boarding house party today! I was not expecting anything. Because I was not prepared. Yeah, I know who I got and who got me in the gifts and I know we just exchanged. I was not able to do my ideal wrapper for combos :( so I got the cake box and put it in it. I got a percy jackson book! WOO! But I wrote the title of wrong book. I got the third which I already have and what I want really is the 5th. BUT HEY! the thought counts more.
The thing that touched me tonight is that when I came home, they sang happy birthday song as if that day is my birthday. Then, they gave me this priceless gift full of my pics and their messages. Damn, just emphasized how vain I am. Haha! Really, Im so touched.

December 16, 2011

Friday

IT FELT RIGHT! It started out with my 7 am class then I slept at HQ in the morning. Then, I went to Trinoma with Mara and Ces to buy a gift for the 2010 party. I'm nervous. Maybe no one will go at the party. But i'm still hoping. So the whole day passed by, I got my engg shirt. I waited at the carillon and saw a bunch of 2010s and some other batches. I'M SO HAPPY! I didn't expect us to be this many, about 25+. Well, with them is where I really want to celebrate my birthday. I saved up a bit of cash for this but since many did not really confirmed, I got nervous of getting short. I treated them dinner at robinson's and they sang happy birthday to every december celebrant. NOISE! but it was really fun!
After that, we went to Mai's house. Each went to the game of their interest: billiards, pingpong, basketball, monopoly, cards, mahjong, magic sing, piano, guitar, food. wait a sec. food is not part of agreement but there were food. tons of it. And so everyone had fun and some went home early and well, some just came after midnight.

I kind of worked hard to have this. I really want this. I want to be with them. IT REALLY FELT GOOD TO BE AROUND THESE PEOPLE!

December 17, 2011
Saturday
I slept an hour or two. I woke up and saw everyone still doing the same activities. I was hoping we could mingle a little but I guess it's quite impossible. I'm already thankful this happened. Then, that same morning, Mai accidentally said about the cake. Okay, my birthday is just a week done and over my dears. I didn't give much attention to what she said. But when they lit the candles and sang birthday song again. I know I've heard a different song over the days. Really, I wanted to cry. I just don't want them to know so I tried to stop myself in full efforts. Kuya Miko kept on shouting speech like a typical birthday ritual but I'm speechless. Yes, I want to speak, I want to say a lot of things, but something is stopping me that moment. My tongue just became so stiff to move. I just sat and blew the candles and had my wishes like it's December 11 again. The truth is I didn't think of my wish and did not utter it in my mind. I just let out whatever my heart desired that time. Then, I sliced the cake. I don't really slice birthday cakes or any random cakes. That might be the reason why it's not proportional. I got a big slice and the others shared the other big slice. It tasted differently. I had it with a smile. priceless.
Yes, i know it might not really be for me, or is it, but then, i also want to be selfish and have everything for myself at a moment.
I really don't want to go but i must. i keep on thanking mai for everything. AS IN! I owe her a lot. to be honest, from the start i really wanted to be close to her. everybody does. even if she didn't do anything with it, just having her around is fine. haha!
going back to the story. I went home with the cake. I know I should have not brought it because of the long hours of travel, but I also want it. I took it home.
When I got home, I got so tired and just slept. When I woke up, my dad saw me and greeted me. That's rare. One of the best gift's I received maybe.

December 18, 2011

Sunday

I woke up and had our thanksgiving at the church.
Then, after that, they asked me where I want to celebrate. My answer is simple. KFC. We all went to SM Rosario and had dinner. Then, my Mom bought me new sandals, new cardigan. My dad bought me Cluedo and percy jackson 5th book. And well, he also bought me a wallet. Yes, he kept on insisting that I should have this super red wallet which does not match my personality. But I have no right to say no so I took it.
We ended the night by having a drink and cake slices at starbucks. Yum. I love coffee. But then, what I love more is my family.
This is the finale of my week long celebration. and the feelings? it finally sank. :D

My Final Day

written by: jilliane celize alcaraz rebustillo
composed by: me

nagrereminisce lang, eto ung ginwa naming kanta nung aalis si jel papuntang canada, tapos tinugtog namin to sa outing ng 4ensics. miss you jel.

i’ll be missing you

in everything i do

now i’ll be far away

i still hope that i can stay

our happy days

all the times we’ve shared

are now the memories that i will bring forever

* could this be my last stay?

will i ever be back again?

i am not so sure 

but i will sing this song for you

for you

chorus:

i want you to know

even if i’m gone

there will still be tomorrow

i want to show you

how much i’ll miss you

cause this might be my final day

“my final day”

please do not be sad

if i will leave this way

i hope you will be safe

as i am leaving this place

( * and chorus except ” ” )

bridge:

i wonder if i’ll never come back

will you ever say i miss you?

cause you’re always in my heart forever… forever

(chorus 2x)

ohhhhh…

my final day…

not-so-dear diary (very random)

Dear diary,

                HAY NAKO! NAKAKAINIS! Banaman, magma-Mcdo na nga lang, matatapon pa ang orange juice ko na walang bawas. Sayang no? Lahat naman ng bagay sa mundo sayang pag naisip natin kaagad na hindi ito worthwhile. Pero malay mo, ang sayang sa iyo, pangarap ng iba.

Tulad na lang ng mga makapigil hiningang mga pangyayari sa akin kanina na marahil sa iba’y isang pangkaraniwang, walang kwentang mga segundo ng kani-kanilang buhay. Eh sino ba namang taong hindi mabobother kapag kinausap ka ng crush mo ng harap-harapan, at malapit na malapit sa mukha. Di nga ako makatingin ng diretso. AS IN! Oo na tanga na ko. Gumising na din naman ako sa aking panandaliang panaginip habang katabi niya ang girlaloosh niya. Ay oo, ang lahat ng iyon, wala lang sa kanya. Binabasura lang niya lahat ng pinapangarap ko.

Haha, drama, pwede na akong manalo ng best actress. Nako, marahil pwede nang pang-aniversary special ng Maalaala mo kaya. Joke lang yun, echos lang, eto talaga ang totoong storya.

                One day, isang araw, nagtanong ako sa matanda, “Bakit ganito po ang mga tao?”. Madalian namang may sumagot sa akin, “Mayroon lamang dalwang uri ng tao sa daigdig. Ang isa ay tagapagtanghal at ang isa ay ang tagapagmasid”. Inisip ko mabuti ang sagot ng matanda. Isip. Isip. Wala nga pala ako nun. Maya-maya pa’y naglakad-lakad ako sa kanto ng Palaris habang umuulan at ang buwa’y natakluban na ng sandamakmak na mga ulap. Madilim. Kaya siguro tinawag na Diliman. Nakakatakot. Parang walang katapusan ang aking nilalakad. At naisipan kong aliwin ang sarili sa kanta ni Britney Spears para maibsan ang natatamasang takot. Anong kanta? Circus.
                “There’s only two types of people in the world. The ones that entertain and the ones that observe.” OMAYGAD! Dun pala galing yung sinabi ng matanda kanina! Sino namang matanda ang sasagot ng kanta ni Britney Spears? Weird. Okay, marahil wala nga kong nakausap na matanda. Marahil, gawa-gawa ko lang. But the point is, maganda si Britney! AY! Di pala iyon. The point is, may entertainer at observer talaga sa mundo. Saan ka kaya kabilang? The active? Or the passive? Ako kaya? Kayo na ang humusga. Pero seryoso, LSS ko yung theme song nung Anghelito, Batang Ama.

At heto, nakarating na ako ng bahay habang walang modo kong inagaw kay AIREEN (a new coined nick name for my roommate) ang kanyang laptop at ginawa ko tong random thoughts. Not just random, dapat SUPER RANDOM. Ayan na nga eh, nangungullit anung pangalan ng dish kung dish siya, di ko naman maisip. Ayun, after a few moments, naging wildberry cheese kate. Labo. Pero mas malabo ako. At least aminado. O siya, night night na, alas-syete pa klase ko, nakakainis.

                MWAH MWAH CHUP CHUP NIGHT NIGHT!

-KATKAT

To Be Honest

Because I don't want anyone else find this out and this might be the safest place. And, well, if you happen to stumble here, shhhhh. You might not care at all but I might need a little respect.

You see, I still have this hang over of the Pacquiao-Marquez fight and it really, as in REALLY, it super duper controversial. I know judges' decision is final and I'm nothing but just a viewer so I don't really know how things work out there. I just felt bad for Marquez because he worked so hard for months and did really well. Then he cried. He left the ring but the crowd cheers for him. I don't know how it called moment of truth when it made things worse.

I don't get it. I don't feel like going into competitions. Yeah, I might also be scared of losing but the most important thing for me is I don't want to let others down. If I feel I'm not good enough (which I always feel) I decline. 

A REALLY BIG COWARD!

Okay. I want to say it directly. No more extra twists. Here it is . . . I don't feel like participating for the Engineering Week. I don't want to be part even a bit of it. I don't know if it is pride or I'm just tired of it but I guess, I can't handle the pressure.

COWARD! CHICKEN!

I remembered the chicken joke again. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Does the answer really matter? Well, why can't it cross the road anyway? Is it forbidden? The thing is, being a chicken, it was not chickened out to cross. Yeah, I'm really silly. But think about it. Once started, it is followed. hard to change. Once human desires, they make it happen, no matter how it-should-not-happen happening it is. It's the way it is.

This is one reason why opportunities are finite. Like the chicken, why would you question it crossing the road. (Okay, that ends my chicken analogy, it's so silly.) When we find things unreasonable, we question. we don't let it happen.

Okay, I'm a bit agitated. About the Eng'g week. Maybe I'm the one wrong. I'm the one questioning right now and I'm the one who doesn't want to participate but to start with, I don't feel at all welcome.

(I hope really no one reads this. Yeah, I'ts my fault to post this in a public place but I know you also find the time when you want to shout at something. This is shouting for me.)

Every single day. I just feel like someone slapping me. FRUSTRATION. a lot of it, different kinds. I want to dance, to sing, to act, to play basketball, to play volleyball, to be in everything but no. It's hard when frustration collides with cowardice. a really bad feeling. Really, I feel intimidated by others. I don't feel that I'm not good enough. I tried before, but just proves I'm really not good enough. 

Actually, I had chance to audition but I didn't grab it. I think I already have a phobia of auditioning. I hate it more than performing on stage. Well, I didn't audition for Awitan because I'm not allowed. I have a good reason that no one will understand in the group then this guy, he did what should not be done. I won't give anymore details. Well, another, last year, I remember last year I was asked to join one sport but I declined because I'm sick but I didn't tell I'm sick. I just said no. Now, they look for players and not minding asking me might be because of before. 

Yeah, I got a job. I kind of like be part of handling our team for Dulaang Eng'g but I don't know. I think it's a good chance but something's stopping me. I don't feel like participating. What's wrong with me? I'm given a chance but I don't want it. Last year I did, but now, no.

I don't want any of it.

Okay, I suck. I'm a big loser. A total COWARD. If someone does not trust me, I start doubting myself. If someone does not like me, I hate myself more. I guess my happiness is still dependent of others'. I can't stand for myself yet. I can't fight for what I believe in. I'm nobody. I'm a laugh-about. I'm a big JOKE!

but I'm also human. I want a time for myself. I want to be selfish at times. unfortunately, this is what I'm stressed over for a moment. I want to feel that someone believes in me for me to see it's true. 

I don't want this. my tragedy is others' comedy. I want to hold on but I can't. I don't know how to start. When I start, I don't how to end. Maybe, I just need more time but until when? This is what always bothers me and this couldn't take forever. 

PLEASE! OH PLEASE! 

Please help me find what I seek. someone, please.

Me and My Obsession

Music.

Take everything away but not music.

Haha. I've been posting random works of mine but not giving much detail about it so I decided to create an independent post.

I don't have formal training in singing. I'm even a worse dancer. But then, I'm just really, really moved and I just want to have it with me though I'm not good at it.

I was a child of dreams. I wanted to be in the world of music industry when I was a child. I pretend to make my own songs by singing random words in random tunes. We bought my keyboard when I was in prep and I don't have any idea how to operate it. Well, I used to play with it and try to find out how to play on my own. I still remember, I was a fan of F4 back then when I was able to have Ni Yao De Ai's tune in my fingertips. So far, it's the first song I've played on my own that I can recall, in monotone.

I started formally writing a song when I was 8. There was a tune as well but sadly I was not able to save it and I don't remember any of it but the thought. Yes, it was about children being stubborn yet the key to the future. I also wrote songs when I stepped on grade 4 and so on but like the first one, I was not able to save it.

I wrote more songs than ever in high school for different reasons. I was asked to compose songs for projects, batch contests, friends with farewell, graduation songs, jungles but I was mostly able to save the songs I wrote privately. I lost the rest.

I was first taught guitar when I was in 1st year by a band person but I didn't learn that much. Real learning happened when I got to have free time with high school friends and share knowledge. I somewhat learned to incorporate piano and guitar well. Yes, I know how but I really lack techniques. Oh well.

I'm fund of singing, but I'm a try-hard singer. I have no confidence on what I can do. Anyway, people had been discouraging me since the time I can remember. I've been part of a choir at 1st year high but my dad asked me to stop. No one I know in the family appreciated my music and they always tell me just to study hard with math and science. I became shy. Just like when I auditioned in the school choir, I didn't sing in my audition thoroughly and it really sound horrible. Then, I tried to be part of the dance troupe but I just stood in my audition. From then on, I had this fear of audition. You see, I can feel more pressure on it than on the performance itself. Anyway, at the end, I became part of school choir for some reasons. I play the keyboards for them. I also learned a bit of violin when my bro bought one and I played with it.

In college, I thought things would change. I've been part of two choirs but not having formal auditions. Also, I have limits. Just like what I've said, no confidence at all. Well, I wanted to dance more as an 18th birthday gift for myself so I took street dance. But, when there are auditions of anything, I can't face it. I mean, I'm not scared of being unaccepted. I'm scared of the pressure. What if I mess up?

I really love everything about it. EVERYTHING. SO when I have a chance, I grab it. Unless, the fear takes over. All I'm aiming for now is for me to take over the fear. I want to know what more I can do. I just don't like the fact that I could fail anyone. My failure of myself is enough.

Well, I had another funny thought. I had my life now set on a wheel of fortune. You know why? I don't know why the heck I'm in my course. That was before. Now, I put a bit of hope. I had this subject next sem related to music, the numerical of it. Well, I was hoping for me to like it and just belong to one laboratory and have my work in the future with it. Yes, I'm so silly. But, I guess when I said I like everything about music, this is a challenge. and guess what. . .

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

At the Peak

if this is a cliff

and if i fall this time

second chance is a gift

just to finish the climb

so next time i won't stop

just wait there at the top

and soon you will see

i'll be with you at the peak

There. I thought it was lost but I found it around my bags. Yeah, just the night when I found out I have to take the removals for Math 55. It's only a sneak peek since it's not even half the song. If I pass all my subjects this sem, I'm gonna finish it wit a happy ending.

This how I describe myself whenever I'm about to fail a subject. But I guess this song is more optimistic that what I really feel since it is ready to face the second take. Haha! I'll save all my efforts to my next subjects. I'll be armed enough alright.