Thoughts of That

Mukhang di malayo. Suicidal thoughts.




And I'm being honest. Sometimes I think I should just die.

Ignorance

Ignore me once and I'll insist. Ignore me again and I'll never bother you again.

Yes, that is one of my weakness. Even if it's unintentional, I'll never ever initiate another conversation with you again. And i'd be dying inside thinking what's wrong. And I'd be breaking down within to know if we're okay.

Yes, you can ignore me, since that is how i am treated all the time. I never knew what people think of me because whenever I ask they can't say a thing. Maybe, they don't notice. Then, that is because they don't pay attention. Si it might not really matter to them at all.

In the end, no one cares. I am ignored.

In terms of memories, there are times I knew every detail. I knew that I was there. I knew how others are there. Then, in another story from another person, it's funny how I ended up invisible. I'm nothing but soundless air in their picture.

No one really cares.

And I think, when I die, when i disappear, no one will notice. Life will just continue for them. And so what?

No one really cares.

I won't end up in any history. I will just disappear out of thin air. Because I am nobody. And the day that I'll die won't make any difference with the day I was born.

Because no one cares.

And why should I care? I'll choose not to live in vain and there is one thing left for me to do.

Ignore.

Usapang Baligtad

so sabaw ako as in right now. at eto ay glimpse ng isang conversation ko na ganto ang state ko. may parts na inedit ko para makuha ung point. tinanggal ko din ung part ng kausap ko :))


:))))))))))))))
alam mo
ang kabaligtaran ng 14
ay 41
ibig sabihin nun
wala lang

alam mo ba na
pag binaligtad ang kaye
ay
eyak

may tanong ako
kapag binaligtad ang sunny side up
sunny side up pa din ba to?
seryoso kasi

alam mo ba na pag may baso ka na may lamang tubig na hinaluan mo ng salt at sugar
at binaligtad mo, matatapon ung laman XD

ganun din kahit walang salt at sugar.
seryoso
try mo

pero alam mo pag binaligtad mo ung
tapat
tapat pa din

at ang kabaligtaran ng :) ay (:
hindi :(

pero nagcocoexist lahat ng magkabaligtad
if theres something wrong
theres something right
if theres something right
theres something left
if theres something left
theres something gone

at matagal ko nang iniisip ano kabaligtaran ng isang number
lets say 2
is it -2
or 1/2

pero narealize ko na ang pagbabaligtad
ay parang pagsukat
may standard
so pag nagbaligtad ka ng something, may with respect to what.

titigil na :)

Pritten Shoes

Nakakainis.

Yung mga taong halatang halatang nagbago ng pakikitungo sa iyo at di mo alam kung bakit. Matapobre ba ako? Masama? Di ba sapat ang paggalang ko? Boring ba ako? Stupido? Ano?


Naaalala ko pa kung paano niyo ako tanggapin nung una. mapanlinlang. anong nangyari? pakiexplain nga?! di ko kasi gets eh. basta medyo sure ako na wala akong intensyon na kung anong masama sa inyo.

Nakakatawa nga eh. ang proud proud ko sa inyo dati. nakakatawang isipin idolo ko pa man din kayo at lahat. nakakatuwang isipin ang mga panahong nayayakap ko pa kayo at nalalapitan ng walang alinlangan. Di ko din mapagkakaila na isa kayo sa dahilan bat di ako nagdefer nung app ako. kasi nakahanap ako ng comfort sa inyo. tapos gaganituhin niyo ako? ano bang kasalanan ko? kung may problema kayo sakin pagusapan natin di ung pagusapan ako sa likod di ba? Ayaw ko ng ganun eh. Isa akong seryosong tao at isa kayo sa mga sineseryoso ko. Ngayon, medyo nanghihinayang na ako sa mga ineffort ko noon. Yung lahat ng panahon na inubos ko.

Pag nagkikita na lang tayo ang awkward na lang. E ang dalas pa naman natin magkita. Ang labo niyo kasi. Kayo tong matatanda tapos kayo tong ganyan umasta sa mga mas nakababata. Kung ito'y isang katuwaan di kayo nakakatuwa.

O bukod dun ung ibang taong kalebel ko lang pero di ko magets bat ganun. Jinujudge niyo ba ako? Mapangmata. Magtanong nga kayo lilinawin ko naman eh. Hai. Ang insecure ko lang pero kasi antagal ko na napapansin.

Siguro nga wala akong kwentang tao sa paningin niyo pero knug sakali, di un sapat na dahilan para alipustahin niyo ako. baka kasi namimisjudge niyo lang ako. di naman talaga ako masamang tao :( at wala akong hangad mang-alipusta. at basta makaramdam ng onting hiya o takot hirap na akong tanggalin un. Kapag minsan lumalayo ako, un ay dahil nahihiya ako o natatakot sa iniisip niyo. ganun lang.

Matagal ko din itong di pinapansin, baka kasi mali ako. Baka din ako lang din nagiisip hanggang ngayon. pero sana talaga malaman kong okay naman at bumalik yung sigla. sana malaman ko na di ako nagkamali noon sa pagkilala ng mga tao.

I used to care for you people a lot and i still do :( but i dont know what happened to us. and this might be stupid. and i might just be overthinking but so what :( i have to say this to release all the anxieties ive been keeping for some time now :( some anxieties that you majorly caused. the reason why im scared more. the reason why im like this losing all my confidence and feeling like being trapped in a cell unable to escape.

Well, its fine if you dont care, but in case you do, im asking for a little help :(

help me work things out :(

Ang Pagsubok

May dalawang uri ng pagsubok upang malaman ang tatag ng iyong pananalig sa isang relasyon.

Una ay yung kahit gaano mo katagal makasama, di ka pa rin nagsasawa.

Pangalawa ay yung kahit gaano mo katagal di makasama, di ka pa rin nagsasawa.

Free Floating Anxiety

I'm all messed up, again.

Over-thinking. That might be one things I can't stop doing. It's me. I have been like this for ages and I don't know how to change something that comes out naturally.

Well, a few days ago, i tried answering a personality disorder test and you know what I've got? 90% for being a schizotypal, 62% for both being paranoid and borderline. Yeah. Maybe, it's just one of that for-fun kind of test and must not be taken seriously, but then, I can't deny the fact I have some of the symptoms. Well, maybe I don't really have those disorders, but I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with me.

Depression has been taking over me for a while now. And I don't know where it comes from. I just feel it especially whenever I'm alone like this. And maybe, I'm just being stupid and just wasting my time over these darn stupid things. But I can't help it. I'm getting worried for nothing. Right now, I can't breathe properly and feel like crying.

Am I losing my mind? Well, not really. I know I still have a control for myself. I just, well, don't know how to overcome feeling bad. I don't know how because I don't know why. Is this because of this recent academic stress? Is this from the pain from the people who betrayed me? Is this a consequence of what I've done bad in the past?

I might be facing one of the hardest challenges in my life right now. And it's not just like those petty little worries. It's about my identity, my beliefs, my faith. I'm currently in a situation that could change what I have been in the past two decades. I've been trying to understand the odds and been trying to gather the courage to speak.

For the past 19 years, I have not spoken much of me and my mind. I always keep things to myself. This might be the first time that I did something like this and I'm telling you, it ain't easy. And now that I have started it, there is no turning back. I have no choice but to continue. I must prove that I am and I can and I will be. I must, but what if I can't. What if I'm still that itsy-bitsy little fellow washed away by the currents? What if I am not, I can't and I won't be? Well, how can I be at this state?! Sitting back and thinking worthlessly of things when I still have a lot of things to do and to prove. And I hate myself for that.

I hate myself, for starting things that I'm not sure how to finish, for pretending to be brave but deep within is a coward, and for being such a failure and have others involved in it.

I'm sorry world, though, I don't mean it that much. I know. This is stupid. I AM stupid. Whatever. Anyway, things will inevitably come even if I'm not sure about what I'll do next. Even if I stop, the world will continue to spin. Who cares? We are all little fellows anyway.

Stalking Like A Pro (CW10 Paper)

Stalking is one of my greatest skills. I don’t know how but I’ve come to a point where I can learn odd things about random people in the weirdest ways possible.  Sometimes, it feels like some information pops out of nowhere and then, I keep note of it, thinking it might come in handy in the future. And if it did, I am always amazed at how these information turn into dots that connect to one another and eventually form a new picture.

Yes, I might seem like a professional. I stalk not only for myself but for my friends. It’s a nice hobby and pastime. I gather information through different means such as social networking sites. I browse at the profile of the person and the friends of the person on Facebook. Another stalking technique is to Google the name, student number or any information and finding related links. It does not end there. You can get information through common friends by asking questions but avoiding suspicions. You don’t want to give them any idea about the client. However, there are times that the situation gets more complicated and it comes to a point that I am not sure how to handle it anymore. This is one of those times.

It was 2011 and the semestral break was fast approaching.

I rushed down the stairs of the Quezon Avenue station looking for a jeepney going to the university. I was feeling uneasy, freaking out about my grades on a subject that I thought I was going to fail. The thought of it bugged me that whole time that I didn’t notice any person around me since the start of the day. But then, I noticed a guy facing the floor just across me in the jeep. His puzzled look caught my attention. Where was he headed? What was wrong with him? I didn’t know. But this curiosity changed my state of mind from being a panicking paranoid to a wondering kid. I stared at him more intensely while he was not looking and noticed his bright eyes and his innocent face.  He somewhat looked like my first crush back at fifth grade. It might be the reason why I was at ease with him. I don’t know. I can’t tell.

The jeep was already near my destination. It stopped by the FC and I stepped out of the vehicle with a bit of hesitation. Wait! He also left the jeep and walked towards the same direction as mine. I didn’t know why, but I felt a mild sense of relief. Different thoughts had been going in my mind. Was he also an EEE student? Well, what are the odds? Sad to say, I stopped in front of EEE but he continued to walk straight ahead. Maybe, I got the wrong idea. But still I asked myself, will we be able to see each other again?

This is quite funny. I never thought we would, but we did see each other again during enrollment. I thought I knew every face in EEE but how come I have never seen him before? Maybe he is a freshman. Well apparently, he was. I was able to confirm it when we had an event for freshmen the next month and he attended it. Okay. This seemed weird. I didn’t want to be mistaken for a creepy pedophile. No way. After that, I tried to forget everything about that guy. It all ended there, I thought.

Few days passed and I spent some time stalking for others’ sake. On another side of the story, I remember my new roommate at the boarding house telling me stories about her high school crush. She told me how they met and how they joined contests together. I wanted to tease her by stalking the guy because he also studies here in UP. I learned different things about his guy and I used it to blackmail her for fun. For example, I dared her that I can get this guy apply to my organization even if he said he will never apply. But then, at the end of the day, I didn’t have any intention to treasure or be attached to those information.

There are also times that I learn about other people by accident. For example, when I spent time with my orgmates in trying to put up a dormant provincial organization, the usual questions that people ask when they first meet is “What is your course? Do you know this or that person?” Then, they asked me a familiar name whom is their cousin who also studies in EEE. I’ve really heard it before but I was too into other things that time to think it through. I guess he was one of those guys that I saw in the EEE students list or a friend of friends. Oh well, I just said I didn’t know but they still continued to talk about him. I didn’t want to be rude so I paid attention.

The next day, just when I walked out of my boarding house and had a long walk to my first class, I began to think about random things. Well, it was a typical thing for me to do. Then, I was reminded of the boy at the jeep on the way to UP. I smiled at the thought of it and tried to remember his face more clearly. Then, I remembered another thing, and another, and another. Yes, information turned into dots that interconnected in my mind. And yes, he was the same guy that my roommate likes. He was also the same guy as my orgmates’ cousin. Right then and there, everything made sense to me and it was amazing.

After that, I was quite problematic about it. Yes, I think he already knew me because of all of our common friends inside and outside EEE, but I wasn’t sure about that.  We weren’t introduced properly so I didn’t know what to do whenever we happen to pass by each other at the stairs or at the corridor. Will I say hi? Will I say I know him? I don’t know. I don’t want to be called “feeling close”. This is the time that things went a little weird. Anyway, I never forgot the dare about making him apply and I thought it would be fun. I asked my other friends who were his blocmates to invite him. For one semester he did not show interest. The next one, he did, and it was a miracle. And guess what, this is where the atmosphere became even weirder. Because of our common friends in EEE, we started to hang out together without directly talking to each other. It was really, really awkward being friends with the one you stalked. Imagine how I refrain from telling all the things I know from him and pretending I don’t know anything and hoped not to appear suspicious.

One time, our barkada went out for dinner. We all rode the same jeepney home but in the end, only the two of us were left. The scene was quite familiar, a déjà vu, but unlike the last time, we are now both aware of one another’s presence.  I didn’t know what to talk about. I thought I might say the wrong things or ask the wrong questions. But to break the ice, I still asked him when he started to know me. He said that even before he applied, he already knew me because of my roommate. Thank goodness. That was the start of my first comfortable conversation with him. I told him some of my knowledge about him but of course, I did not tell everything. I can’t do that until now. I didn’t tell him about seeing him in one of the jeep right before he remembered we met. But I guess, It was really a relief.

Well, we are still good friends up until now without any malice or awkwardness involved. He finished the application process soon enough and became my orgmate as well. Then, I ended up with a thought that stalking is a good tool in knowing people but we can never get to know a person through stalking as much as we learn about them from themselves.  With that thought, the guy and I continue to know each other more and enjoy each other’s company along with our other friends, and I guess, that’s the one that matters.