Free Floating Anxiety

I'm all messed up, again.

Over-thinking. That might be one things I can't stop doing. It's me. I have been like this for ages and I don't know how to change something that comes out naturally.

Well, a few days ago, i tried answering a personality disorder test and you know what I've got? 90% for being a schizotypal, 62% for both being paranoid and borderline. Yeah. Maybe, it's just one of that for-fun kind of test and must not be taken seriously, but then, I can't deny the fact I have some of the symptoms. Well, maybe I don't really have those disorders, but I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with me.

Depression has been taking over me for a while now. And I don't know where it comes from. I just feel it especially whenever I'm alone like this. And maybe, I'm just being stupid and just wasting my time over these darn stupid things. But I can't help it. I'm getting worried for nothing. Right now, I can't breathe properly and feel like crying.

Am I losing my mind? Well, not really. I know I still have a control for myself. I just, well, don't know how to overcome feeling bad. I don't know how because I don't know why. Is this because of this recent academic stress? Is this from the pain from the people who betrayed me? Is this a consequence of what I've done bad in the past?

I might be facing one of the hardest challenges in my life right now. And it's not just like those petty little worries. It's about my identity, my beliefs, my faith. I'm currently in a situation that could change what I have been in the past two decades. I've been trying to understand the odds and been trying to gather the courage to speak.

For the past 19 years, I have not spoken much of me and my mind. I always keep things to myself. This might be the first time that I did something like this and I'm telling you, it ain't easy. And now that I have started it, there is no turning back. I have no choice but to continue. I must prove that I am and I can and I will be. I must, but what if I can't. What if I'm still that itsy-bitsy little fellow washed away by the currents? What if I am not, I can't and I won't be? Well, how can I be at this state?! Sitting back and thinking worthlessly of things when I still have a lot of things to do and to prove. And I hate myself for that.

I hate myself, for starting things that I'm not sure how to finish, for pretending to be brave but deep within is a coward, and for being such a failure and have others involved in it.

I'm sorry world, though, I don't mean it that much. I know. This is stupid. I AM stupid. Whatever. Anyway, things will inevitably come even if I'm not sure about what I'll do next. Even if I stop, the world will continue to spin. Who cares? We are all little fellows anyway.