The Director

"When you don't know which direction you're going, look up."

When I was young, around 10 years old, I learned to utilize different mediums for expression. My mentors taught me that writing and art is a way to express yourself rather than to impress. They were one of my favorite teachers that shaped me to value arts and literature. Well, apart from this formation of passion, I lived a secured, mediocre life but still, deep within me, I am hoping for something special. Being afraid to make a mistake, I have followed the flow of river, unconciously. Unconciously because I thought or I was told that I hold my destiny in the palm of my hands, but I was there following old trails of someone else. A one-way train railway with an illusion of a choice. We don't really have much choice as kids. We can wonder, we can question innocently but at the end, what we know is all we have, and what was taught to us is all we know. Well, I remember someone told me it is okay to go out of the way sometimes, you just have to know your way back, and guess what, I never did really went out of the safe path. Except for one time. I totally went out of the way and went against the current. Yes, I know my way back, but the question was do I want to go back? Not really, but where am I headed? 

Honestly, I didn't know. I was not sure then if I was just doing things because I like to take control, or I have the power to choose not to ride on things that I don't fully agree with. (Well, it was easier to disagree that to decide on something you agree with really.) Yes, it is natural for humans to want to take control of situations and have a certain expectation of the outcome. And there, my friends, is where disappointment rise. I was so disappointed with myself at first because I feel that I was so lost. My thoughts were mixed up like fried rice (yum!), my principles were as good as the London bridge, my mind and heart and soul is in total chaos and writing (or talking to the air) was my main outlet. I dared question everything even the presence of a higher being. I didn't know what to believe in. I was just there, throwing my heart all over the place, expressing. I knew I got to take things out because I was overwhelmed with a mix of pain and nothingness, and I was overflowing with thoughts and confusion, and I can't take anything in anymore. 

I stepped a moment back to rethink. The time I thought I was lost, was the time that I was actually found. I wrote about it before. I was in fear but I knew I cannot do it alone that time. The haze was all around me so I closed my eyes, I surrendered, and there, I saw the truth, the light, a direction. "I am here, still here" I thought. It was for me, a miracle on its own. I was saved after all.

And there it was, the answer all along. We are not just God's masterpieces, we are also instruments for something great and to be able to realize that, we should learn to surrender to Him. Without Him, whenever we are aimless on what we put effort to, it can be as good as nothing. I learned that in Physics that force in the wrong direction merits less or no work done. It is the same with life. When we go full speed but we kept running in circles, we are going nowhere but the same place. It is beyond human capacity to think of His capabilities as if you have no way to prove it but you have no choice but to accept it and that is why it is called faith.

It sounds contradicting isn't it. I am always about freedom, about liberty, about having a choice. But here I am, telling you that I submitted myself. Well in fact, it is not contradicting at all, it went hand-in-hand. Imagine this, if I continued to take control of my life from when I was young, I would always, as in ALWAYS base my decisions in what I know. What I know is human capacity. But then I took the road less taken, I took the unknown, a leap of fate, and He is the only one who knew that I was meant to be there, and He knew exactly where I am going even before I do. And that is, for me, a form of freedom. I am freed of the human knowing and went beyond the bounds set by the people around me. And the moment I let Him pull my strings, it was a kind of letting go of what I was. I felt that I was so unworthy but He accepted me. It is already liberty on its own. It is an infinite number of possibilities that cannot be compared to any human mul-cho-type questions. You know why? Because He knows better. He knew what we needed despite of what we wanted for a moment. It is salvation, freedom of our limited selves.

Many years passed and I am still here, struggling through the vast darkness with nothing but my faith. I kept on walking and walking and walking. I am still on my path of building and discoveries. I am not doing this alone because He is with me all the time. I swear, if it is just me, I really suck at distinguishing good and bad. I can't tell a sign if it means to stop or to continue. I always say that my moral compass is broken and I cannot make up my mind on things. But then, it all boils down to the foundations: following the light. Light is the Truth. The only Truth is God. God is Love. Love is Joy. And Joy is our ultimate desire, and that is where we are headed if we go to the direction of the light. I may not be there yet and it might take me a long time but again, I am not alone in this journey. I know I am going to get there as long as my feet takes me to the direction of the light. Sometimes, it still gets hazy. Sometimes, currents are too strong for me, but I am letting Him in. I am letting Him to take me. I surrender the steering wheel to my Captain. I let go and let God, my Director.