Self-Loathing

The more time pass, the more difficult it is to be by myself. I am getting overwhelmed by all of these self-disgust and self-loathing. Coincidentally, this is the time I find it harder to express myself to others. I defensively put on fake smiles and talk a lot mostly of things I didn't mean to say even if I was trying my best to be careful with my words. I am out of control. I am a lost cause. I can't help but lose faith in everything. I can't make myself happy. There are only things I feel, that is pain or nothing. I think I am insane. I am struggling making sense out of things. And I find myself unreasonable and full of excuses (that is why I hate myself).

I fucking hate myself. I feel stupid and worthless and just a fucking burden to anyone. Actually, I am hating myself for writing this, for seeking attention, for being in the same place every time. I am not improving. I am not moving. I am just as fucked up as how I have always been that my anxiety is already the definition of me. They were all lies. Things I keep telling myself to go on, that I am loved, that I am enough, that I am getting better, that things get better. I don't feel any of it. And yes, I know it is all my fault I'm like this. Yes, I don't know how to be responsible with my words, my actions, my feelings. I cannot handle myself so I would definitely understand why others would feel the same.

Lord, if you truly are there, help me be okay. I don't know what to do anymore. I am slipping. I want to give up so badly. Save me from myself.