To Be Honest

Because I don't want anyone else find this out and this might be the safest place. And, well, if you happen to stumble here, shhhhh. You might not care at all but I might need a little respect.

You see, I still have this hang over of the Pacquiao-Marquez fight and it really, as in REALLY, it super duper controversial. I know judges' decision is final and I'm nothing but just a viewer so I don't really know how things work out there. I just felt bad for Marquez because he worked so hard for months and did really well. Then he cried. He left the ring but the crowd cheers for him. I don't know how it called moment of truth when it made things worse.

I don't get it. I don't feel like going into competitions. Yeah, I might also be scared of losing but the most important thing for me is I don't want to let others down. If I feel I'm not good enough (which I always feel) I decline. 

A REALLY BIG COWARD!

Okay. I want to say it directly. No more extra twists. Here it is . . . I don't feel like participating for the Engineering Week. I don't want to be part even a bit of it. I don't know if it is pride or I'm just tired of it but I guess, I can't handle the pressure.

COWARD! CHICKEN!

I remembered the chicken joke again. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Does the answer really matter? Well, why can't it cross the road anyway? Is it forbidden? The thing is, being a chicken, it was not chickened out to cross. Yeah, I'm really silly. But think about it. Once started, it is followed. hard to change. Once human desires, they make it happen, no matter how it-should-not-happen happening it is. It's the way it is.

This is one reason why opportunities are finite. Like the chicken, why would you question it crossing the road. (Okay, that ends my chicken analogy, it's so silly.) When we find things unreasonable, we question. we don't let it happen.

Okay, I'm a bit agitated. About the Eng'g week. Maybe I'm the one wrong. I'm the one questioning right now and I'm the one who doesn't want to participate but to start with, I don't feel at all welcome.

(I hope really no one reads this. Yeah, I'ts my fault to post this in a public place but I know you also find the time when you want to shout at something. This is shouting for me.)

Every single day. I just feel like someone slapping me. FRUSTRATION. a lot of it, different kinds. I want to dance, to sing, to act, to play basketball, to play volleyball, to be in everything but no. It's hard when frustration collides with cowardice. a really bad feeling. Really, I feel intimidated by others. I don't feel that I'm not good enough. I tried before, but just proves I'm really not good enough. 

Actually, I had chance to audition but I didn't grab it. I think I already have a phobia of auditioning. I hate it more than performing on stage. Well, I didn't audition for Awitan because I'm not allowed. I have a good reason that no one will understand in the group then this guy, he did what should not be done. I won't give anymore details. Well, another, last year, I remember last year I was asked to join one sport but I declined because I'm sick but I didn't tell I'm sick. I just said no. Now, they look for players and not minding asking me might be because of before. 

Yeah, I got a job. I kind of like be part of handling our team for Dulaang Eng'g but I don't know. I think it's a good chance but something's stopping me. I don't feel like participating. What's wrong with me? I'm given a chance but I don't want it. Last year I did, but now, no.

I don't want any of it.

Okay, I suck. I'm a big loser. A total COWARD. If someone does not trust me, I start doubting myself. If someone does not like me, I hate myself more. I guess my happiness is still dependent of others'. I can't stand for myself yet. I can't fight for what I believe in. I'm nobody. I'm a laugh-about. I'm a big JOKE!

but I'm also human. I want a time for myself. I want to be selfish at times. unfortunately, this is what I'm stressed over for a moment. I want to feel that someone believes in me for me to see it's true. 

I don't want this. my tragedy is others' comedy. I want to hold on but I can't. I don't know how to start. When I start, I don't how to end. Maybe, I just need more time but until when? This is what always bothers me and this couldn't take forever. 

PLEASE! OH PLEASE! 

Please help me find what I seek. someone, please.