Pwede Muna Bang Maging Makasarili?

OO.

mahal kita.

eh anu naman? wala naman ako sayo di ba?

tanga tanga ko kasi.

lagi ko ngang sinasabi sa kapatid kong tigilan na niya yung crush niya dahil wala naman siyang mapapala, pero ako naman talaga tong tatanga-tanga.

bakit kasi sa lahat ng tao sa earth ikaw pa. pwede namang ung iba. yung mas natitipuan ko.

eh wala. kahit sino abutin ko, sayo ako nahuhulog.

wala akong ibang ginusto ng ganito. T_T ikaw lang. walang iba.

pero kasi, mayroon ka nang iba. at marahil, kahit wala kang iba, di mo pa din ako pipiliin. kahit ako na ung huling babae sa mundo, alam ko, di mo pa din ako pipiliin.

nakakainis. bakit puro siya na lang T_T. tayo naman. tayo naman. . . tayo na lang. . . kung pwede lang. . .

pero hindi, andyan siya, andyan ka sa tabi niya.

bagay kayo, nagkakagustuhan kayo. edi kayo na!

ako dito lang, magisa, pagmamasdan ka sa malayo at papangarapin ka ng paulit-ulit

hanggang pangarap lang,


kahit papaano, nagpapasalamat ako sayo,
at least magkaibigan tayo

pero sa lahat ng kaibigan mo, ako nang pinakabitin sayo

ikaw kasi, kung ako pinili mo, pangako, gagawin ko lahat, lahat, lahat,

wala na naman akong ibang bagay na gugustuhin pa, kasi ikaw lang naman gusto ko

tayo na lang kasi T_T

kung alam mo lang talaga

haha, baka nga alam mo naman,

pero kung anu mang nalalaman mo, higit pa ito doon.

sobrang daming panahon ang iniukol ko sayo

sobrang daming pagkakataon ang isinakripisyo ko

para sa wala.

kasi nga the word "tayo" does not exist

ang sakit kasi minsan. makita kang masaya sa iba. wala naman kasi akong karapatan.

bahala na.

ipaubaya na lang sa tadhana.

pipilitin ko na lang maging masaya kung nasaan ka ngayon.

kasi yun ang tama.

______________________________________________________________

HAHA.

Isang blogpost na matagal na sa drafts ko. Natatawa na lang ako ngayon.

Ito kasi yung mga araw na infatuated pa din pala ako sa taong yun nang di ko alam.

At kasi, halo-halo na yung nararamdaman ko sa iba't ibang mga bagay kaya nasasabi ko lang yan.

Kaya nga di ko pinopost eh kasi alam ko, baka nagsasalita lang ako out of nowhere. Di ko nga sure kung mahal talaga yun. I guess not. Gusto lang yun. Gusto ko lang siya ng sobra. Pero di mahal.

In fairness naman kasi kay koya. Siya lang naman talaga yung ultimate inspiration ko sa buong college life so far simula first year di ba? Di ko alam bakit eh. Kaya nga ewan ko eh. Attracted lang talaga ako sa charms niya kahit alam kong jerk siya.

Wala. Over na to. Ipopost ko lang din. Nang minsan naisip ko din itong mga bagay na to. haha. Pero tinatype ko kamo yan straight from the heart. OA lang siguro ako niyan ng kaunti. Dramahan. Ewan. Kaya nga yan yung title eh. Walang pakielamanan. Walang basagan ng trip.

Kayo na humusga. haha.

-January 1, 2013

not-so-dear diary (very random)

Dear diary,

                HAY NAKO! NAKAKAINIS! Banaman, magma-Mcdo na nga lang, matatapon pa ang orange juice ko na walang bawas. Sayang no? Lahat naman ng bagay sa mundo sayang pag naisip natin kaagad na hindi ito worthwhile. Pero malay mo, ang sayang sa iyo, pangarap ng iba.

Tulad na lang ng mga makapigil hiningang mga pangyayari sa akin kanina na marahil sa iba’y isang pangkaraniwang, walang kwentang mga segundo ng kani-kanilang buhay. Eh sino ba namang taong hindi mabobother kapag kinausap ka ng crush mo ng harap-harapan, at malapit na malapit sa mukha. Di nga ako makatingin ng diretso. AS IN! Oo na tanga na ko. Gumising na din naman ako sa aking panandaliang panaginip habang katabi niya ang girlaloosh niya. Ay oo, ang lahat ng iyon, wala lang sa kanya. Binabasura lang niya lahat ng pinapangarap ko.

Haha, drama, pwede na akong manalo ng best actress. Nako, marahil pwede nang pang-aniversary special ng Maalaala mo kaya. Joke lang yun, echos lang, eto talaga ang totoong storya.

                One day, isang araw, nagtanong ako sa matanda, “Bakit ganito po ang mga tao?”. Madalian namang may sumagot sa akin, “Mayroon lamang dalwang uri ng tao sa daigdig. Ang isa ay tagapagtanghal at ang isa ay ang tagapagmasid”. Inisip ko mabuti ang sagot ng matanda. Isip. Isip. Wala nga pala ako nun. Maya-maya pa’y naglakad-lakad ako sa kanto ng Palaris habang umuulan at ang buwa’y natakluban na ng sandamakmak na mga ulap. Madilim. Kaya siguro tinawag na Diliman. Nakakatakot. Parang walang katapusan ang aking nilalakad. At naisipan kong aliwin ang sarili sa kanta ni Britney Spears para maibsan ang natatamasang takot. Anong kanta? Circus.
                “There’s only two types of people in the world. The ones that entertain and the ones that observe.” OMAYGAD! Dun pala galing yung sinabi ng matanda kanina! Sino namang matanda ang sasagot ng kanta ni Britney Spears? Weird. Okay, marahil wala nga kong nakausap na matanda. Marahil, gawa-gawa ko lang. But the point is, maganda si Britney! AY! Di pala iyon. The point is, may entertainer at observer talaga sa mundo. Saan ka kaya kabilang? The active? Or the passive? Ako kaya? Kayo na ang humusga. Pero seryoso, LSS ko yung theme song nung Anghelito, Batang Ama.

At heto, nakarating na ako ng bahay habang walang modo kong inagaw kay AIREEN (a new coined nick name for my roommate) ang kanyang laptop at ginawa ko tong random thoughts. Not just random, dapat SUPER RANDOM. Ayan na nga eh, nangungullit anung pangalan ng dish kung dish siya, di ko naman maisip. Ayun, after a few moments, naging wildberry cheese kate. Labo. Pero mas malabo ako. At least aminado. O siya, night night na, alas-syete pa klase ko, nakakainis.

                MWAH MWAH CHUP CHUP NIGHT NIGHT!

-KATKAT

To Be Honest

Because I don't want anyone else find this out and this might be the safest place. And, well, if you happen to stumble here, shhhhh. You might not care at all but I might need a little respect.

You see, I still have this hang over of the Pacquiao-Marquez fight and it really, as in REALLY, it super duper controversial. I know judges' decision is final and I'm nothing but just a viewer so I don't really know how things work out there. I just felt bad for Marquez because he worked so hard for months and did really well. Then he cried. He left the ring but the crowd cheers for him. I don't know how it called moment of truth when it made things worse.

I don't get it. I don't feel like going into competitions. Yeah, I might also be scared of losing but the most important thing for me is I don't want to let others down. If I feel I'm not good enough (which I always feel) I decline. 

A REALLY BIG COWARD!

Okay. I want to say it directly. No more extra twists. Here it is . . . I don't feel like participating for the Engineering Week. I don't want to be part even a bit of it. I don't know if it is pride or I'm just tired of it but I guess, I can't handle the pressure.

COWARD! CHICKEN!

I remembered the chicken joke again. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Does the answer really matter? Well, why can't it cross the road anyway? Is it forbidden? The thing is, being a chicken, it was not chickened out to cross. Yeah, I'm really silly. But think about it. Once started, it is followed. hard to change. Once human desires, they make it happen, no matter how it-should-not-happen happening it is. It's the way it is.

This is one reason why opportunities are finite. Like the chicken, why would you question it crossing the road. (Okay, that ends my chicken analogy, it's so silly.) When we find things unreasonable, we question. we don't let it happen.

Okay, I'm a bit agitated. About the Eng'g week. Maybe I'm the one wrong. I'm the one questioning right now and I'm the one who doesn't want to participate but to start with, I don't feel at all welcome.

(I hope really no one reads this. Yeah, I'ts my fault to post this in a public place but I know you also find the time when you want to shout at something. This is shouting for me.)

Every single day. I just feel like someone slapping me. FRUSTRATION. a lot of it, different kinds. I want to dance, to sing, to act, to play basketball, to play volleyball, to be in everything but no. It's hard when frustration collides with cowardice. a really bad feeling. Really, I feel intimidated by others. I don't feel that I'm not good enough. I tried before, but just proves I'm really not good enough. 

Actually, I had chance to audition but I didn't grab it. I think I already have a phobia of auditioning. I hate it more than performing on stage. Well, I didn't audition for Awitan because I'm not allowed. I have a good reason that no one will understand in the group then this guy, he did what should not be done. I won't give anymore details. Well, another, last year, I remember last year I was asked to join one sport but I declined because I'm sick but I didn't tell I'm sick. I just said no. Now, they look for players and not minding asking me might be because of before. 

Yeah, I got a job. I kind of like be part of handling our team for Dulaang Eng'g but I don't know. I think it's a good chance but something's stopping me. I don't feel like participating. What's wrong with me? I'm given a chance but I don't want it. Last year I did, but now, no.

I don't want any of it.

Okay, I suck. I'm a big loser. A total COWARD. If someone does not trust me, I start doubting myself. If someone does not like me, I hate myself more. I guess my happiness is still dependent of others'. I can't stand for myself yet. I can't fight for what I believe in. I'm nobody. I'm a laugh-about. I'm a big JOKE!

but I'm also human. I want a time for myself. I want to be selfish at times. unfortunately, this is what I'm stressed over for a moment. I want to feel that someone believes in me for me to see it's true. 

I don't want this. my tragedy is others' comedy. I want to hold on but I can't. I don't know how to start. When I start, I don't how to end. Maybe, I just need more time but until when? This is what always bothers me and this couldn't take forever. 

PLEASE! OH PLEASE! 

Please help me find what I seek. someone, please.