Friend, I like you a lot

Suddenly, I got the urge to write something, though not too profound, just something casual. Well, supposedly, it should be casual, like I'm trying to make it feel like something normal. Though you might know that I really like you so I can't help but put up a poker face but my heart is jumping up and down deep inside. I just let the moments pass by and after that, I found myself looking back and smiling when no one is looking. I just can't help but look forward to tomorrow, to everyday, to every time I spend with you.

Each time that you were looking for me, each time you choose to go with me, that time when we both said "I'll go with you" at the same time, I bet those feelings in my head are running around the control room. 

No, it's just the same, I am not expecting or assuming anything. I am just happy that you acknowledge my presence. I am just happy that I can be here for you. I am happy that I may stay with you.

Well, actually, I can't figure out how long has it been and I can't count how many times my feelings towards you evolved. I can't even tell others properly because although they try to understand, they can't. But then, the more I stop myself from talking about you, the more I really do. It's really tough.

Every time our hands touch, I feel that urge to stay with you and protect you. I'm sorry though. I try to be as non-romantic friendly as possible. I try to be that friend that will be at your side when you need me rather than a lover who will hurt you. Because, you were there for me, too. You were enough for me. You were all I need at this time of my life and you have proved me your worth in the past. Your mere presence is my joy. Your joy is my ecstasy. You are my daily dosage of an essential drug. You are currently my favorite person.

You are a hard habit to break. Actually, you are a hard habit that I don't want to break. Oh, yes, there might be a tiny part of me that secretly hopes that you like me back. I can't pretend that that don't cross my mind. But then, I've settled things with myself a long time ago. I still thinks it hold true. I can't fight for you in that way. I don't have that kind of courage. You can't count me on that even if I know it won't really happen. But if it is being a friend. you can count on me.

Please, though it might not as feasible as it may sound, I want to stay like this forever. I want it to be this way even after this year. I don't want to picture losing sight of you any time soon.

Greed

Hi blog!

It seems that I have nowhere to go but here. I really want to talk to someone about things but I'm too scared that I might go a little overboard.

You see, it's always been about me. I talk and talk and I just want someone to listen. I don't ask for advice because I know it won't work. In the end, I'll do what I want. What do I want anyway? Everything! Yes, I just realized that. At first, I thought I just can't judge right or weigh options, but really, I just want to have it all.

I realized that I'm afraid to lose anything, and to change anything because they have risk? The other day, we were in class talking about opportunity cost and I was like, I don't want to sacrifice anything. I want to gain everything and endure not to lose any as much as I can.

I think it's normal. We humans are greedy creatures. Babies cry if you don't give them the toy or food, whichever they want. It's nature, that's why we cannot eliminate it. I mean, greed plays a big role in world destruction. We just get enough of anything. When we obtain something, we want more. In short, we want everything.

Dreaming is being greedy without action. We just put light along with it to look good. Even making friends might be greedy. I mean, look, you make friends for yourself. Even if you say it's for them, you get that satisfaction. We look at them in the eye and see our reflection, and that's when we determine if we like them, if we see ourselves in their eyes.

Nevermind that. I mean, I didn't mean to say those things. I just really want to share to you how much things I want to have and I can't wait to have. Others, I know I can never obtain, and it kills me inside. Give me love! money! wisdom! Oh! Give me some more love! I thought what I only need is someone to understand me but the truth, not. If everyone is selfish enough, no one can ever understand the other because we are all busy thinking of ourselves and what we want.

It' a lonesome fight for everyone!

Sloth

Hi blog!

Aaminin ko. Tinatamad akong magsulat for the past few weeks. Laging nakabukas ka sa tab ko, tapos, lagi ko ding naiisip kung ano gusto ko isulat pero sa huli, biglang mawawala yung urge ko at maiiwan ka lang. Ganyan ako for a while hanggang sa dumating ang araw na ito na humihingi ako ng tawad.

Marami talaga akong gusto isulat. Naghahalo-halo na nga eh. Pero kasi madalas related lang o hindi ko matyempuhan paano umpisahan o kaya naman ay nalilito ako kung ano gusto kong unahin.

Kaya ngayon pinipili kong ibaba muna ang mga defenses ko at sasabihin ko lang sa iyo kahit anong gusto kong sabihin ngayon without holding back, without thinking what I'm writing kahit na pamali-mali na nasusulat ko, o kahit na nagswitch ako ng language o, puro magalter between fragments or run-on ang mga sentences ko.

Para kasi akong nagmamadali lagi. Parang hindi enough yung time ko isipin paano magsulat ng bagong entry o kung ano sasabihin ko. Ang tagal ko kasi maginternalize. Tapos may times naman na gustong gusto ko talaga isulat pero wala namang access.

Anyway, magkwekwento na lang ako.

Mapaglaro ang tadhana. Kahapon, habang papauwi ako ng probinsya, naisip ko, how long has it been. Bigla ko kasing nakumpara yung state ng bestfriend ko sa akin. Looking back, we were like in the same phase nung una. Parang sabay lang nung time na magtatapat siya sa crush niya at ako sa crush ko. Siya, nagtapat siya, ako hindi. Ang laki ng difference ngayon. Sila na, kami, di nalalayo sa stage dati.

Hindi ko maitatanggi na nakakainggit. :)) Parang, BOOM! bagay sila. BOOM! Gusto ka din ng gusto mo. Haha. Ako. Eto. Mag-isa. Nagpapakatanga sa taong walang nararamdaman para sa akin. Bakit kasi ako nahuhulog sa maling tao?

Same topic nanaman oh. Tapos lumipat lang ako ng tab, nakalimutan ko na tong sinusulat ko. Short attention span. Dahil wala na din ako maisip at sa concentration magsulat, tatapusin ko na muna to.

Blog, expect mo na ganito mga posts ko for a while.