Stuck

Maybe I learned my lesson. But maybe I didn't. I've known to myself that this leads to nothing. But then, I can't help it. I'm too shallow. I'm too deep. I've thrown everything and leave a piece to keep. Is this wrong? But it feels right. There's a thin line between what won't and what might.

It's been a long while and I still can’t figure out how does one heart comes pounding, and raising, and skipping, and crushing down all at the same time. How can one person’s smile bring pain of longing to have, and wanting to keep, and waiting to be, and erase all of them at once? What should I do? Well, do I have a choice? I’m always in between stop and go. I’m always too scared to start and too scared to let go.

I'm scared of losing you. Wait, let me correct that. I'm scared of being away from you. I'm not exactly losing you because from the start, I know I can't have you. Especially now, I'm stuck. I'm stuck somewhere new, yet, familiar.

Don't be mistaken. I'm not sad, not at all, not a bit. I am actually happy despite everyone else's point of view. Yes, I know that when you find out what I'm saying, I would look really helpless and pathetic but then who cares? I am happy with this. I am happy anywhere as long as it is with you.

I am stuck there. I can't help my feet from pointing at your direction. I don't know how to say no because no matter what yes means, it'll make you happy and I'll be happy too. I don't know. I think being hopeful and hopeless just differ on how you see it.

Do you know the feeling when you dream at night about falling from somewhere really high and wake up with it? That is exactly how I feel whenever I think about you. I find myself catching for breath but try to slow it down so no one would notice.

I really really really like you. And I don't know how to stop because I don't want to. And again, I'm not asking anything from you. Just stay where you are, if not, ask me to go with you. No, I won't make a move because I think that's what you wish. I just want to be stuck with you.

Throwback Status

Kunwari makata. Pagbasa ko ngayon katawa na. mga istatus nung Mayo 2013 (at kaunting Abril at Marso). Ano bang meron nung taon na yun? Ano nga ba? Gusto ko pa bang balikan? (Honestly di ko maalala exactly ano pinagdadaanan ko ng mga oras na iyon. or alam ko pala dinedeny ko lang. Ang ingay ko sa FB hindi ko pa nirecord lahat. baka bored lang)

_____________________

March 31, 2013

living by the day, is different from living by the moment.

_____________________

March 31, 2013

May mga pagkakataon na nahihirapan tayong ituloy ang isang bagay. Pero may mga panahon din na mas mahirap tumigil.

_____________________
April 6, 2013

unexpected things that come doesn't mean they're wrong.

_____________________

April 11, 2013

haha kahit naman sabihin kong bibitaw na ako di ko naman talaga kayang gawin hanggat di tapos. kahit sabihin ko nang ayaw ko na, di naman ako titigil. kahit sinasabi kong bahala na, ang totoo talaga'y natatakot ako at di ko kayang pabayaan. hahahahha. sa loob loob ko pipilitin at pipilitin ko pa din kahit nakakapagod na haha. sa isip ko, kaya pa yan, kahit maliit na percentage na pwedeng mangyari, at least may percentage sa ganoong possibilty. kaya pa yan! kaya pa to! kahit mahirap T_T

______________________

April 16, 2013

Why do we keep on making decisions that we know would hurt ourselves?

______________________

April 17, 2013

Teach your students how to love what you teach. Because when they do, they'll never cheat. :))

______________________

May 3, 2013

sometimes, you dont need to find a reason to trust someone, and that's what they call faith.

______________________

May 4, 2013

wag aamin.
pag umamin, wag mageexpect.
pag nagexpect, wag aasa.
pag umasa, wag magkakasakitan.
pag nagkasakitan, wag magkakailangan.
pag magkakailangan, wag magkakasakitan.
pag magkakasakitan, wag umasa.
pag umasa, wag magexpect.
pag nageexpect, wag aamin.

__________________________

May 4, 2013

the illusion of the mind.

__________________________

May 9, 2013

kahit naman sabihin ko minsang napapagod na ako. di naman ako nagsasawa. Kahit sabihin kong titigil na ako at mawawalan na ako ng pakielam di ko naman kaya.

__________________________

May 11, 2013

"Follow your heart."

___________________________

May 12, 2013

wag kang mapapagod o magsasawa sa mga bagay na alam mong gusto mo. wag na wag kang gagawa ng hakbang na alam mong pagsisisihan mo.

___________________________

May 12, 2013

dont play with other people's emotions. you'll end up hurting someone or end up getting hurt yourself.

____________________________

May 13, 2013

the point of no return.

____________________________

May 14, 2013

feeling ko talaga talent yung ability na mapigilan mo yung nararamdaman mo. haha.
____________________________
May 15, 2013

Bahay, baboy, bagyo.
Bahay, baboy, bagyo.
Minsan tayo'y isang bahay.
Ngunit di maiiwasan ang bagyo.
Ngayon tayo'y baboy sa magkaibang bahay.
Bahay, baboy, bagyo.
Bahay, baboy, bagyo.
Sana bagyo na lang ulit.
_______________________________
May 15, 2013

Being blind is no different from being not, if you refuse to peek.
Being deaf is no different from being not, if you refuse to hear.
Being mute is no different from being not, if you refuse to speak.
You can be as strong as you think, but ignorance will always make you weak.
_______________________________
May 15, 2013

Where do you go, when you have nowhere to go?
Are these secrets to keep, or feelings to show?
Will you accept, or will you let it be thrown?
Should you hold tighter, or should you just let go?



____________________________________
May 20, 2013

Kanina.
Habang naglalakad ako patungong tindahan ng milk tea sa area 2 ng mag-isa. May lumapit sa aking manong.
Manong: UP student ka?
Ako: *tumango na lamang habang medyo natakot*
Manong: Saan ka papunta?
Ako: *shrug shoulders kasi lalong natakot*
Manong: Pagpapalain ka
Ako: *Lumiko na ng daan*
Manong: Pagpapalain ka. Pagpapalain ka ng Diyos. Pagpapalain ka. *repeat till fade*
Hmmm. O_O


_______________________________________
May 20, 2013

Writing is like screaming your heart out.

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May 22, 2013

Where should you go, to the left where nothing is right, or to the right where nothing is left? Up until now, I don't know the answer.
_______________________________________
May 23, 2013

pag umaamin ka sa isang tao. two times ka umaamin. isa dun umaamin ka na din sa sarili mo.

_______________________________________
May 25, 2013

Human beings live in order to find the reason why they live.

Things I've done in UPD

Things I've done in UPD

[x] Worried about getting bullied by fratmen or getting killed in a riot. 
[  ] Got bullied by fratmen or was killed in a riot. 
[  ] Witnessed a riot. 
[x] Watched the Oblation Run. [accidentally, well upper body parts lang nakita ko, di ako interested eh]
[x] Made friends with a teacher. 

[  ] Was tricked as a freshman into attending a rally/prayer meeting. 
[x] Wore red or black on one of those wear red or wear black days. 
[  ] Wore red on Valentine’s Day. [di ko maalala]
[  ] Wore black on Valentine’s Day. [di ko maalala]
[x] Celebrated a birthday at Mang Jimmy’s. [birthday ng iba]
[  ] Learned UP Naming Mahal. 
[x] Was an RA (registration assistant) or SA. 
[x] Lied or begged to an RA for a slot in class. 
[x] Participated in a there’s-only-one-more-slot-are you-feeling-lucky? 
[x] Jogged around the campus. 

[x] Visited the Vargas Museum. 
[x] Knew at least one xerox lady, manong, or technician by name. 
[  ] Attended university level graduation. 
[x] Got an activist for a teacher.
[x] Watched a La Salle vs. Ateneo UAAP game. 

[x] Watched a UP vs. any school basketball game. 
[x] Studied in CASAA.
[x] Studied in McDonald’s or Jollibee Philcoa for one full night and bought just one regular-sized drink. 
[x] Studied along Katipunan. 
[  ] Studied along Katipunan and affected the mannerisms of a stereotypical Atenean. 

[x] Watch a play that’s not required for Comm III. 
[x] Went stargazing.  
[x] Ate in Chocolate Kiss, Tea Room (in CHE) or Chateau Verde. 
[x] Slept in the lib.
[  ] Struck up a conversation with a taong grasa.

[  ] Wrote/Texted to/for the Collegian. 
[x] Seriously pondered about the identity/ies of the people described in Eksenang Peyups. 
[  ] Went to the chapel. 
[x] Got a pebble stuck in your shoe/slippers while walking in Sunken Garden. 
[  ] Cut class with your block to watch a movie. 

[  ] Had a Voltes V for a teacher. 
[  ] Took a class under Joseph Palis.
[  ] Lied to the transcript lady to get a transcript earlier than the standard 3 months. 
[  ] Went to a Freshman-only concert. 
[x] Subsisted on just streetfood (fishballs, half footlongs, kwekwek, squidballs/rolls, mais, dirty ice cream) for a day.

[  ] Learned how to smoke. 
[x] Went on an out-of-town trip with blockmates or orgmates. 
[*] Fell in love. [not sure]
[x] Actually read the book you keep borrowing from the lib. 
[x] Played cards during your free time.

[x] Dressed in business attire.
[  ] Sumabit sa jeep. 
[  ] Got sung to or sung to someone in class during Valentine’s day. 
[x] Watched the Lantern Parade. 
[x] Helped out a total stranger. 

[x] Helped out a total stranger because he/she was hot.
[x] Learned to stay awake for more than 24 or 48 hours straight.
[  ] Got bullied by fratmen and feeling cool wannabe people who were actually losers. 
[x] Took Monday and/or Sat classes WILLINGLY.
[  ] Volunteered for the pahinungod. 

[  ] Ate “tasteless white sauce” pasta from cock-a-noodle-doo. 
[  ] Got a boyfriend/girlfriend. 
[x] Got held up or pickpocketed. 
[x] Felt depressed because you were not as good academically as you were in high school. 
[x] Did a last minute paper. [mas mataas pa score nito compared sa typical score ko.]

[x] Had spent a lot for 1x1 ID pictures.
[x] Got exempted from final exams. 
[  ] Got exempted from a final exam but still took it.  
[  ] Attended a varsity pep rally. 
[x] Watched LIVE AIDS, Androgyny, Maskipaps or any well-known variety show.

[  ] Promised to quit smoking.
[x] Got into at least one (org- or council-sponsored) adventure race.
[x] Knew where the best restrooms are on campus. 
[x] Joined an org.  
[x] Allowed yourself to make mistakes. 

[x] Went to the gym in spite of having no PE class.  
[x] Took summer classes. 
[x] Admired the Oblation. 
[x] Made a video for a project. 
[x] Had a crush on a teacher. 

[ ] Had a teacher who had a crush on/tried to court you. 
[ ] Attended your ROTC Bivouac. 
[ ] Faked sickness to get an absence excused. 
[ ] Got your car scratched by one of those “Kuya bantayan ko kotse niyo”. 
[x] Took a PE class where you had to pay for tuition. 

[x] Went to school in your crappiest yet most comfy clothes.
[  ] Learned how to use the Bayantel pay phones. 
[x] Participated in school activities. 
[  ] Caught the UP Pep Tryouts. 

[  ] Dated someone from UP. 
[x] Rode an IKOT and TOKI. 
[x] Found a tambayan. 
[x] Went drinking at Sarah’s. 
[x] Learned how to beg for a higher grade. 

[x] Used your 6 allowable absences wisely. 
[  ] Lived in a dorm.
[x] Volunteered to be beadle or go-to guy for your group. 
[x] Had the worst schedule. 
[  ] Realized that there really is just one coconut tree on the sunken garden. [WHAT?!]
[x] Not used up all 6 allowable absences.
[  ] Ate in ISSI, Treehouse, Mama Thai’s and other more obscure cafeterias. 
[x] Ate food Aristocart-style. 
[x] Is active in your org/s. 
[x] Attended an ACLE. 

[x] Got as many app forms as you can during the job fair. 
[x] Learned how to cram. [marunong na ko, mas naging marunong lang lalo]
[x] Sold tickets for (or watched) an org-sponsored movie premiere.  
[x] Saved money to photocopy all of your seatmate’s notes. 
[  ] Had accidentally seen a make-out session.

[x] Slept in class.  
[x] Finished a homework/assignment/paper in the Shopping center or Philcoa. 
[x] Had mountains of “unused” sample exams and/or old testaments.
[x] Resolved to be “better this semester”. 
[x] Slept during a test.


[x] Had groupmates from hell. 
[x] Learned how to work with groupmates from hell. 
[  ] Perfected the art of parking on campus.
[x] Had a bad encounter with one of the guards on campus. 
[x] Developed a love for sisig even before UP.

[x] Practiced those UP cheers in the first meeting for PE class. 
[x] Looked at microfilms in the library or poked through archives. 
[x] Reserved a classroom, AVR, etc. for a class or org function. 
[x] Attended the UP Fair. 
[x] Went to a library other than your own college’s to research.  

[x] Lost a perfectly functioning umbrella. 
[x] Used consultation hours properly.  
[x] Went to the Guidance Office for real, heart-to-heart guidance. 
[x] Went to the infirmary. 
[  ] Attended class with a hangover.
[x] Drink beer or alcohol while inside UP grounds. 

[x] Walked all the way to Philcoa or Katipunan from UP.
[ ] Buy frogs from NSRI or a Bio department. 
[x] Maxed out on the 6 allowed unexcused absences but DID NOT drop. 
[x] Got invited or pursued by a sorority or fraternity. 
[x] Wore slippers to school. 
[x] Had a professor who smoked in class. 
[ ] Got diagnosed by the Infirmary as pregnant or infected with STD

After 2 PM

Here I am, body's immovable, mind's sailing. Then there they are, things that I must do, must have been doing and must have done. I don't really know where to start or if I wanted to. It's the hardest part of doing something, starting. If only you could end something without starting.

It's okay. It's the peak of heat within this time of the day. And you can't blame me. I have suffered a lot lately, physically, mentally, socially, I think in any aspect of my being. I don't think it would be much of a sin to crave for a little bit of escape to the real world. Better yet, I would definitely regret doing this.

I really think I needed this. Oh well. Let life happen.