Pritten Shoes

Nakakainis.

Yung mga taong halatang halatang nagbago ng pakikitungo sa iyo at di mo alam kung bakit. Matapobre ba ako? Masama? Di ba sapat ang paggalang ko? Boring ba ako? Stupido? Ano?


Naaalala ko pa kung paano niyo ako tanggapin nung una. mapanlinlang. anong nangyari? pakiexplain nga?! di ko kasi gets eh. basta medyo sure ako na wala akong intensyon na kung anong masama sa inyo.

Nakakatawa nga eh. ang proud proud ko sa inyo dati. nakakatawang isipin idolo ko pa man din kayo at lahat. nakakatuwang isipin ang mga panahong nayayakap ko pa kayo at nalalapitan ng walang alinlangan. Di ko din mapagkakaila na isa kayo sa dahilan bat di ako nagdefer nung app ako. kasi nakahanap ako ng comfort sa inyo. tapos gaganituhin niyo ako? ano bang kasalanan ko? kung may problema kayo sakin pagusapan natin di ung pagusapan ako sa likod di ba? Ayaw ko ng ganun eh. Isa akong seryosong tao at isa kayo sa mga sineseryoso ko. Ngayon, medyo nanghihinayang na ako sa mga ineffort ko noon. Yung lahat ng panahon na inubos ko.

Pag nagkikita na lang tayo ang awkward na lang. E ang dalas pa naman natin magkita. Ang labo niyo kasi. Kayo tong matatanda tapos kayo tong ganyan umasta sa mga mas nakababata. Kung ito'y isang katuwaan di kayo nakakatuwa.

O bukod dun ung ibang taong kalebel ko lang pero di ko magets bat ganun. Jinujudge niyo ba ako? Mapangmata. Magtanong nga kayo lilinawin ko naman eh. Hai. Ang insecure ko lang pero kasi antagal ko na napapansin.

Siguro nga wala akong kwentang tao sa paningin niyo pero knug sakali, di un sapat na dahilan para alipustahin niyo ako. baka kasi namimisjudge niyo lang ako. di naman talaga ako masamang tao :( at wala akong hangad mang-alipusta. at basta makaramdam ng onting hiya o takot hirap na akong tanggalin un. Kapag minsan lumalayo ako, un ay dahil nahihiya ako o natatakot sa iniisip niyo. ganun lang.

Matagal ko din itong di pinapansin, baka kasi mali ako. Baka din ako lang din nagiisip hanggang ngayon. pero sana talaga malaman kong okay naman at bumalik yung sigla. sana malaman ko na di ako nagkamali noon sa pagkilala ng mga tao.

I used to care for you people a lot and i still do :( but i dont know what happened to us. and this might be stupid. and i might just be overthinking but so what :( i have to say this to release all the anxieties ive been keeping for some time now :( some anxieties that you majorly caused. the reason why im scared more. the reason why im like this losing all my confidence and feeling like being trapped in a cell unable to escape.

Well, its fine if you dont care, but in case you do, im asking for a little help :(

help me work things out :(

Ang Pagsubok

May dalawang uri ng pagsubok upang malaman ang tatag ng iyong pananalig sa isang relasyon.

Una ay yung kahit gaano mo katagal makasama, di ka pa rin nagsasawa.

Pangalawa ay yung kahit gaano mo katagal di makasama, di ka pa rin nagsasawa.

Free Floating Anxiety

I'm all messed up, again.

Over-thinking. That might be one things I can't stop doing. It's me. I have been like this for ages and I don't know how to change something that comes out naturally.

Well, a few days ago, i tried answering a personality disorder test and you know what I've got? 90% for being a schizotypal, 62% for both being paranoid and borderline. Yeah. Maybe, it's just one of that for-fun kind of test and must not be taken seriously, but then, I can't deny the fact I have some of the symptoms. Well, maybe I don't really have those disorders, but I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with me.

Depression has been taking over me for a while now. And I don't know where it comes from. I just feel it especially whenever I'm alone like this. And maybe, I'm just being stupid and just wasting my time over these darn stupid things. But I can't help it. I'm getting worried for nothing. Right now, I can't breathe properly and feel like crying.

Am I losing my mind? Well, not really. I know I still have a control for myself. I just, well, don't know how to overcome feeling bad. I don't know how because I don't know why. Is this because of this recent academic stress? Is this from the pain from the people who betrayed me? Is this a consequence of what I've done bad in the past?

I might be facing one of the hardest challenges in my life right now. And it's not just like those petty little worries. It's about my identity, my beliefs, my faith. I'm currently in a situation that could change what I have been in the past two decades. I've been trying to understand the odds and been trying to gather the courage to speak.

For the past 19 years, I have not spoken much of me and my mind. I always keep things to myself. This might be the first time that I did something like this and I'm telling you, it ain't easy. And now that I have started it, there is no turning back. I have no choice but to continue. I must prove that I am and I can and I will be. I must, but what if I can't. What if I'm still that itsy-bitsy little fellow washed away by the currents? What if I am not, I can't and I won't be? Well, how can I be at this state?! Sitting back and thinking worthlessly of things when I still have a lot of things to do and to prove. And I hate myself for that.

I hate myself, for starting things that I'm not sure how to finish, for pretending to be brave but deep within is a coward, and for being such a failure and have others involved in it.

I'm sorry world, though, I don't mean it that much. I know. This is stupid. I AM stupid. Whatever. Anyway, things will inevitably come even if I'm not sure about what I'll do next. Even if I stop, the world will continue to spin. Who cares? We are all little fellows anyway.