Why on What Ifs

Why am I feeling guilty about this? I mean, Why do I feel that I am cheating on someone? In the first place, I don't have someone to cheat with, and second, I don't have someone to cheat on. It's just some photo. Yes, I want to have one of it with you. But, but, he's my best friend. I feel like I'm being super inconsiderate and selfish here. But. But.

I don't even know, will I regret it? Maybe. It's not yet happening anyway.

Why am I remembering you in The Cab playlist (or with other songs that can be found in my lost phone)? Why am I being reminded of that old feeling? I mean, I still like you now but I like you differently now. Why does this have to surface again?

Why am I composing what to say to you when I know it will never reach you? Why am I planning to confess when in fact, I'm not planning to? Why will I ask you out on the first place? Why does the mere fact of thinking about it, hurts? I didn't even notice that a tear was already falling down my face. How embarrassing!

I know why I can't forget you. But why do I think this far ahead? It's not really ahead, since we won't get there. We won't get anywhere. Why do I always end up thinking about things that won't happen. It's somewhat frustrating, you know.

What's new?

One told me, "ang laki ng epekto ng crush mo sa buhay mo." Another told me, "masyado ka laging available para sa kanya." NV.

They are right. I can't stop my life to revolve around the person I like. They are right. I'll always be here for you as long as I can. Believe me, it's not really a choice. It's more of a habit. It's more of an unstoppable force inside me. It can't be helped. As absurd as it may seem, I need you now. Even this long weekend is killing me. I want to see you so badly. AND WHY THE FUCK AM I CRYING AGAIN!?! I didn't even notice.

I'm literally crazy for you.

And I didn't want you to know any of it. I don't want to lose you. But about to have our separate ways soon and who knows if we're going to be like this then.

And so I'll be thinking ahead again and say "advance I'm going to miss you" if that day comes.

Riot

Sa gitna ng katahimikan, may umaalingawngaw na kaguluhan. Hindi ito nakikita ng mata, sapagkat ito'y nasa kaloob-looban.



FRIEND! ANG HIRAP!

Alam ko sa sarili ko na kaibigan lang kita at ginagawa ko yung pagiging kaibigan. Alam kong wala lang to sayo at alam ko na pag sinabi ko baka gumuho mundo ko pero friend ang hirap pa din pala!

Ilang beses na akong muntik sumabog or something pero in the end i remain silent and composed pero deep inside, RIOT!

Swear, gusto kong maging isang legit na kaibigan for you pero tanginang feelings to! Paano ba sila patahimikin! Okay na kong ganito eh, masaya na ko sa ganitong set-up.

Hayayayay! Sana magkaroon ng kahit kaunting katahimikan ang damdamin ko. Pero sa muli, masasabi kong masaya ako.

JUICE COLORED

At syempre kung kailan cramming at hectic ang schedule, doon magsusulat ng bagong kabanata ng buhay. Tunay ngang kay rami rami kong panahon. At anong gagawin ko dito? Wala kundi pawang mga paglalahad ng sarili kong mga kahangalan.

Usually kasi, I mean, recently, masaya na ako lagi. As in walang nakakapigil sa akin. Pero yung mga mas recently, daig ko pa ang RF signals sa bilis ng voltage swing. Literal na nakangiti ako at wala pang five seconds ay matatakpan na ito ng inis at di ko man lamang namalayan na nawasak ko na yung plastic container na hawak ko. Pero masaya pa din ako, kahit papaano.

Mas madali lang ako madisappoint recently at hindi ko sure kung bakit. Naisip ko na ang root lang naman ng disappointment ay expectations that were not met so probably, I was hoping for something that I can't get. In short, ang tanga tanga ko.

Ewan ko. Mainisin ako recently pati. Naneuneutralize niya yung happiness ko. At puyat ako ngayon kasi maaga akong gumising kanina tapos natraffic pa din. Nafeefeel ko yung bigat ng eyelids ko at yung lalim ng circles sa ilalim ng mata ko.

Tapos, wednesday pa bukas. Ayaw ko ng wednesdays :< Wala kasi akong friends masyado. Tapos basta hassle pag wednesday. Let it be any other day but wednesday :<

JUICE COLORED SANA MATAPOS NA TONG WEEK NA TO GULONG GULO NA UTAK KO. Sana din matapos na yung kabilaang batikos ng mga tao sa isa't isa dahil ang hirap pumagitna. Ang hirap na naiintindihan mo both sides at ang hirap na manahimik. Ang hirap din magsalita. Ang hirap gumalaw, nakakasakal. Ang hirap ng hindi mo alam pananaw mo. Ang hirap lang talaga. UGH.

Stress.

I mean di pa sobrang laki na stress pero ngayon lang ulit ako nakaranas ng ganito for some unknown reasons kasi walang binanbat yung pinagdaanan ko in the past dito. Wala pa ngang nangyayari bakit ba stressed na ko.

Malay.

Magiging maayos din lahat. Sana. Hai.

Pasensya ka na sa mga walang katuturan kong mga reklamo sa buhay.