One Minute

I googled the question, "what is the smallest unit of time?" and found out a couple of nerdy answers. Well, time. You really can't tell. You may find it that short, or too long. It might depend on one's perspective. And just like that, you don't know it's already gone.

Time's up!

Maybe, the shortest unit of time is any time duration that wasn't enough. Anyway, there won't be much of a difference if all were unfinished, hanging, waiting, undone. Maybe, it is not really about the length of time nor the speed. Maybe, it's just about moments, events, frequencies.

Time. It is just one long-term mindset of people that is both giving freedom and boundaries. And, for me, as we grow older, little by little, we become slaves of it.

Just this morning, my professor kept mentioning about time cycles, computers, human reaction time and compared things like speed. He emphasized how slow we are compared to computing powers of even the simplest computer. He also made mention of wasting the goddamned time. Okay. That is random. Meanwhile, I got information overload for other hours of the day, to think it was just a day and it wasn't really the whole day but just like, a few hours. But, I don't know how they could say a lot of those in an hour and how can it matter to students if it is really overwhelming.

Aside from those learning events. I got a couple of questions asked to me today impromptu both for a minute.

The first one is say everything that I can say that I love in a minute. The other one is, pitching a problem and solutions in a minute, strictly. I don't know, today within these one-minute talking, I got a lot of learning. 

What I mean is, this post is like another point of view of the last post. If the other is about forever, this recreates a version of the world in the smallest unit of time you can think of. In a minute there, I can't tell if I were really honest or not. I'm not sure with what I was saying because there weren't enough time. I can't think. I had my mouth to do that. And whatever goes. 

Well, I just think that time is one of the most misunderstood things. Time is like something with a lot of meaning but we all got used to the convention of it. I mean, there are a lot of things pertaining to time and just retaining all this weight to a single word, makes it a bit more complicated.

Life is short. And even within a minute or even shorter, you may realize that.

Forevermore

There is really a happy ever after, or at least, I believed there was.

I grew up in fiction where destiny and forever comes hand-in-hand. I believed that one day, there's this knight in shining armor who would appear by my window to save me from my distress. That one person, who you would know at first sight, you want to be with forever, and at first sight, you fell in love.

It does not exist.

No. It really does. Just wait.

It was not long since reality tries to shatter these illusions of mine. The moment someone snatched my dear first kiss back when I was six. The moment I realized that my parents are no more than friendly strangers to each other. The moment I first got my heart broken by reasons I don't understand. But really, I got scared, but I continue to trust people. I still believed in love and good in people. I still believed that there is this someone really meant for me.

I held long to these beliefs, together with my faith, for a long time. I just don't really remember where I lost it. Were it the times that I've watched TV and heard married couples getting divorce? Were it the time I heard my sister or my friends got their hearts broken by the person who promise to love them and will never hurt them? I know that the moment they utter the promise, they aren't lying. I believe that. But, what got wrong? What could change a mind so easily? What could tweak the events in a matter of years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds? And that is when I decided I won't be like them. If I find you, I'm gonna love you forever. I won't change my mind about that.

That was a hasty and reckless declaration. What do I know about love? I grew up in romance, but not love. Yes, I the first time I think I fell for someone, I thought it would be forever. But no, I have no plans of being with him. I just want him to be happy and that makes me happy. And yes, he was not the last. I felt the same falling for the first sight several times. And well, it was also late when I realize I got the capability to fall for a person I have already known. I never really believe that the way you look a person can really change. That person who you least think to be in love with, might be your next boyfriend. And lastly, I didn't know I am capable of getting over someone. Honestly, I can't really tell you I can forget ex's. I just can tell you I felt a different feeling now compared to the first time I saw them. I am not sure if we really get over people or we just get used to the pain.

I am actually shocked with myself. I mean, I know, I might be thinking a bit too much right now but wow. Having feelings for different people and getting over, having my heart leaping and broken and back up again over and over again, I can't believe that I can change my mind, my heart, just like the others. I know it is normal, but I am not prepared that being real means the opposite of eternity.

I can't help but be ashamed to be someone that can forget, to be someone that has the ability to stop caring. For each day that time approaches forever, the more I realize that it cease to exist in my mind. 

When did I stopped believing?

I laughed at happy endings. I doubted movies that just ended at kissing scenes. I raise my eyebrow to things that grip upon being "meant-to-be". I don't know when it started, but it just did. Right now, I question destiny and change and opportunity and choice and coincidences. And I guess, nobody really knows. I might can't help it to forget, to move on, to stop caring. I might not be able to help it to find that filthy little selfish part of the heart in all of us. But that is the best part: finding out that you are just a human. I am as powerless as I am. And if I am not able to change or be able to forget things, I won't be able to carry all those weight and I won't be able to grow. I guess forgetting is as important as remembering.

It's quite sad. Nowadays, I find it hard to grasps upon the belief of goodness and love in everybody's heart. But it's something that is also hard to let go. I mean, to myself I know I still try to be as good as I can be. I try so hard to wait for the right moment to find that someone who is also waiting for me. I still think that it's still possible, maybe now in a different sense, to find forever in moments, to hold onto destiny with your own hands and call it meant to be, to find reality even harder to believe than fiction. Well, nobody's perfect. That's what everybody also says. But there might be someone out there willing to accept our imperfections, if not forever, well at least for a lifetime. And maybe, just maybe, that is love itself.

Skew Lines

I will never admit it, as long as there's a possibility.

I can't deny the fact that I have been falling for someone lately. But then, if you only know that I grew fonder of you on recent times through recent events than that person. I found myself laughing within when people push hard on me towards that person, but I really think, I would rather cling onto you.

This isn't another love confession. Nothing. I just want to say that I find comfort from you as a friend more than what that person can give right now. I can't ask that person anything anyway. That person's so out of reach. No, no, no, I'm not using you. I am just really really fond of you.

I just can't believe that it's possible to stray so far away from first impressions. I've known you for so long and I only got the chance to be in touch just these times, but it didn't stop me from being amazed. You are amazing, and you didn't know. And sometimes, I want you to know, but I don't, because you might find it weird.

There exist these lines prior to other lines. Sometimes, they meet, sometimes, they don't. Either way, you may not cross. These are boundaries set to enclose you to the only space you can be free. 

I'm not playing with you or that person. I really like that person. And you have your own matters. 

Skew lines appear to cross at some perspective but really, they don't. It's like a paradox of you crossing my mind, but in reality, you didn't.

I'm happy to have chance like this. I think you will be one of my friends that I will cherish.

Loverage

Pinagbakasyon ko muna si feelings. Hindi ko inakalang isang araw kakatok siya muli. Either tinopak lang ako isang gabi, o legit itu kasi nagsurvive siya ng bakasyon.

Hindi siya nagsurvive ng bakasyon, nabuo siya. Hindi ko naman siya iniisipan ng ganoon dati. Pero ayon, mag-iisang linggo na simula noong tinopak ako at bigla kitang namiss.

Topak lang siguro talaga. Pero basta ganito yung nangyari.

Hindi ito si Mr. Clean. Appreciative lang ako at chaka talaga feelings ko para sa kanya. Nakarelate lang ako sa kanya one day tapos, tapos na. Interesado lang noong una pero wala talagang nabuong solid na feelings.

Lumuwas ako para magparecheck. Pumasok ng EEE, at naalala kita. Nagflash ang lahat ng memories in one blink. Hindi ko nanaman madistinguish, o madefine iyong nararamdaman ko. Lagi na lang ganito. Juice colored. LOVERAGE! Hindi ako sure kung love pero sure ako may rage. Para akong lasing noong araw na iyon. Nasa byahe ako pauwi at sobrang nagugulumihanan. Hinahanap kita ng hindi ko napapansin. Longing. Masakit. Uhaw. Baliw. Tanga.

Miss lang talaga kita hanggang ngayon. Hindi ko nga lang alam ano gagawin pag nagkita ulit tayo. Kasi wala naman tayong mapag-uusapan. Nung bakasyon nga eh hindi kita magawang gambalain kasi sino naman ako di ba? Gusto lang talaga kitang kausap. Gusto ko lang talaga iyong company mo. Lagi mo akong pinapasaya. Legit. My diliman world is not as dilim as it were. Iba ka kasi. Kaya mong magtrespass sa boundaries na sinet ko ng hindi ko namamalayan. JUSMIYO! NALILITO AKO!

Ito na siguro ang isa sa pinakaweird na sitwasyon ko ever. Bago pa man magkaroon, naisip ko na kasi. There is a thin wall between us, a thin impenetrable wall. Wala. Bukod sa wala, hindi pwede. Everytime nagtatanong ang puso ko, kinakadena siya ng mundo. 

Untouchable star. Get close and get burned. Just look at them shine from afar. It's not about deserving one, you really just can't have one.

Pag sana nagkita tayo, masagot ang mga tanong ko sa sarili ko. Pero ayon. Please, even if I can't touch you, I wanted to be as close as I can. In other words, let us remain friends. Please, even if I can't have you, I don't want to lose you.

In fairview ha! Sinusulat ko lang ito pero sakit na sa dibdib. Legit yung kadena talaga. Partly nakakainis kasi parang inaamin ko sa sarili ko na such feelings exist. Huhu. I don't want to fool you. I mean, gusto ko talagang maging friends tayo. Nakakalungkot kasing isipin na tapos na, if ever. Basta iyong feelings ko hindi naman sure. I mean, nung una wala talaga akong naiisip na ganoon. Sumagi lang noong may direktang nagtanong sakin kung meron. At hindi ko na maalis sa isip ko iyong tanong na "Meron nga ba?"

Huhu. Hindi ko naman sobrang kilala sarili ko. Pero sure akong ang tanga tanga ng ginagawa ko. At mas tanga pa kasi alam ko nang ganoon hindi ko pa masolusyonan. Umamin kaya ako na naguguluhan ako? Haha joke. Ang hirap noon. Ang weird noon. Para kong sinaksak ang sarili ko. At baka hindi mo na ako kausapin forever. Walang forever pero baka dahil doon magkaroon.

HAHA. Sana hindi ka bored at biglang mapadpad dito at mabasa mo ito. If nabasa mo, sana hindi mo maisip na ikaw. Pero on the first place, sa tingin ko naman hindi mo maiisipang tignan. :))

For the Nth time, bahala na. :)) And I miss you :))

Renaissance

It's official. Umiikot na muli ang tumigil kong mundo.

• After n iterations, nakaescape na ko sa nakamamatay, never-ending time loop ng END OF THE WORLD.

MABUHAY!

Simula ng dumating ang 2015 puro pagpapala ang nakamit ko maliban na lamang sa sakit, sa inip, sa agit na paghihintay ng mga grado. Pero ngayon, okay na. Nagbubukas na ang maraming daan patungo sa kinabukasan. My future is HD again. At siguro, hindi naman makasasakit kung mag-iisang round pa ng pagbabalik-tanaw.

2013. Kung mapapansin mo, hindi ako sumulat ng pang-2013. Ganoon ko na lang siguro siya kagustong ibaon at makalimutan. Sa bagay, parang ulit lang din siya ng 2012. Ulit-ulit. Ikot-ikot. Dahan-dahan. Hindi ko namalayan, nagana na pala ulit ang Great Depression sa loob ko. Para bang hinoholocaust itong damdamin ko. Bugbog sarado ang pagkatao ko. At kumapit na lamang ako sa bagay na hindi ko nakikita. Hindi ko nga alam kung meron talagang nasa mga kamay ko noon basta hindi ako bumitaw, malapit na, pero hindi ako bumitaw.

2014. Ang taon pagkatapos ng peak ng Dark Ages. Unang bahagi nito, wala. Wala akong maramdaman. Hindi ako masaya, hindi ako malungkot, plain lang. Nagiinarte sa love life pero chaka lang talaga. Bukod doon, naiisip kong tumakas sa ibang lugar. Handa na ko noon eh. Kung hindi nga lang naman ako nilindol ng pagkagulat nang makita kong biglang pumasa ako sa lahat ng subjects ko. Himala. May plano na talaga ako pag bumagsak ako, yun lang pag pumasa, wala pa. Basta ang sign na hiningi ko ay iyon at binigay ng hindi ko inaasahan. At doon, ako'y nangamba. Hindi ko din masasabing masaya ako kasi nalito nanaman ako. Ngunit, ang mga tala na ang nagsabi na pumasok ulit ako sa time loop at humanap ng ibang exit. At alam mo ba? Kahit na karamihan ng subjects ko ay katulad lamang ng kinuha ko noong nakaraang taon, iba ang naramdaman ko. Bahala na. Hindi ko na inisip ang ending basta ang alam ko masaya ako. Kahit na lahat ay luma, lahat ay bago. Ang gulo pero ganoon eksakto ang nararamdaman ko. Noong unang bahagi ng semsetre, oo, naging malungkot ako dahil sa mga alitan at mga problema pero sa tingin ko, naging bahagi siya kung bakit ako tumibay ngayon. Iyon nga lang, kahit na naging independent ako, sa tingin ko, mas naging makasarili ako. Hardcore! Alam mo iyong gumagawa ako ng mga bagay hindi dahil kailangan, kung hindi dahil gusto ko at masaya ako. Nagbago bigla ang pananaw ko. Hanggang sa matapos ang taon, masaya talaga ako iyon lang.

2015. Happy New Year. Oo, Happy. Sobrang saya ko ngayon. Hindi ko na masukat. Okay iyong grades ko. Okay na okay! Hindi ko na nga alam kung makatarungan pa ito. Kasi, naging habit ko nang matakot maging masaya. Sunod-sunod ang blessings, sana hindi maubos. Oo, sabi ko bahala na kung ano lumabas. I mean, kung bumagsak man ako, tatanggapin ko kasi naging masaya naman ako. Pero wala din akong plan B in case bumagsak ako ngayon. Bahala na. Buti na lang hindi nangyari, sobra sobra pa.

Sana hindi na ulit ako kainin ng wormhole. Sana tuluy-tuloy na ang aking paglalakbay. Kung may gusto man akong i-time travel, gusto ko iyong patungong future, hindi sa past. Kahit na sana suicide ang subjects ko ngayon. Sana maging masaya ako at maging worth it lahat. At iyon, natutunan kong correlated ang happiness at productivity. Kitang kita naman.

2012. 2013. 2014. You are officially done. Closed. Concluded. Credits.
2015. Here I come. Let us be friends.