I haven't really written a lot in a long while. I let my thoughts circle through my head repeatedly until they make sense or until they disappear. I was scared. I know that once I wrote about something, it means I acknowledge it. And once, I acknowledge it, I can't turn back. While nothing is written, I can ALWAYS change history. That's what other people will do, act like nothing happened and reset. While I agonize or grieve over people in the past, I might just be a wrinkle in their life.
It's around 9AM in the morning and about 3 hours I'd have my first professional psych consultation. I am a bit scared. What am I going to say? I am not good with strangers. But I guess they know what they are doing. I have been going through a lot lately, like getting upset over a kid who broke my prized coffee equipment or getting my car a scratch at the back or being upset over my family's response to these events and their treatment of me. And then this other encounter with a close friend that made me forget all the other small aches. Since then, my thoughts are getting vomited non-stop as spoken words, as actions, as tears, as physical pain in my chest and for a second, I thought I stopped breathing. Although, when I look back at it again, for the past 3 weeks, I say I am generally okay and I meant it.
I am generally okay. I am more confident now. I have the best people in my life now than ever. I have tons of other things to do and looking back, I can just really not give a fuck about more than 3 years worth of memories. Eventually, it will fade and won't seem so special. I am generally okay but when I think about the hurtful words I breakdown. Although, I think about it a little bit less recently and and I cry a little bit less too. And that's a good thing. That is a process. I know.
I am generally okay until yesterday. My yesterday's thoughts hit hard. It was not about the hurtful words anymore. I examined my past experiences that lead me to thoughts that question myself. Am I the problem? I got really exhausted, plus the feeling of regret of why I said all of those things, quite disgusting. Eventually, lead to the thought that I don't have a reason to live. Well, as you can see I'm here so I pretty much know myself when I have negative thoughts. I know it really is time to stop thinking. I slept almost the whole day and the whole night and here we are. I feel better. At the same time, I think my POV shifted a bit, a slight tilt to the axis of my world that suddenly changes my take of things. Oh don't worry, I've also experienced this before and probably part of my processing. It might be temporary or not, who knows but I really need this change of view to cope and make things make sense. Nothing really matters. You can't really trust anyone. No one will ever understand me. And that is okay. I am generally okay.
Obviously, I have already scrapped the idea of tossing the many-years relationship memories into the abyss because I am writing this. I acknowledge it. I can't say it is worthwhile. Bad endings taint even the good memories. Thinking about the good times also hurt as hell now. Nothing related to us makes me smile anymore. You just took them all away with you. So when dealing with you in my head, there are not much really to think about because I know it does not add up. You were being shitty as a self-defense and for me, though I turned out to be the bad guy in your story, it is not an excuse to disrespect me and be an asshole. Right? You have caused me a lot of trauma even in the past that I have been dealing with because I wanted to make things work. You said you wanted us to make it till the end. I have believed that. That was enough. I know I can deal with with my own problems anyway because I am strong and just one day, I knew I don't depend on you because I don't have to. But I was so willing to cater you, to take you with me in the good times and to be there for you when you need me. In the past, I have told you all of my fears so you know how to take care of me but now, you used them against me. shit. But you know, the saddest part is I can't make myself hate you so much and I can't seem to help but to also blame myself. Because I knew it from the start. Because I knew that you have these tendencies and I know we don't really match up because we have different values and different methods on things. I know all the risks and went for it anyway. I didn't ignore the signs, I know them, I have accepted them. Because, you were always willing to discuss our arguments and misunderstandings, and we always end up with a compromise or understanding each other because we pick each other every time at the end over the argument, or so I thought. I have accepted you for whoever you are because I loved you so much. I was willing to endure the pains until they dissipate. We have some weird, questionable dynamics but heck, I can do that. I have met the worst person in the world before, and what you do is nothing compared to that. So yes, it was a choice, MY choice to have you every time even if I don't really need you. All you got to do is trust me, choose me too. All you have to do is not abandon me.
You knew I have abandonment issues. Worse, I was not even given a chance to explain after your misconceptions, fully dismissed. It was very traumatic. I swear I will never ever go back there. Who knows what you'd do next. You have just exceeded my limit and now I totally don't want you to have any place in my life. Friend, I wish you well, still. I hope you don't hurt yourself. I'm not a vengeful spirit and you know that.
For now, I will focus on my healing. It is not anywhere easy. But I always knew, I'll be fine without you.
