I want to go back to the day we met and you to talked to me. I want to go back to the day that I answered and I've decided to put you first. I was in a really bad shape then, and not at all ready, and you were too. But you decided to open up and I thought I got nothing to lose. Letting me see your vulnerabilities, how your eyes look so sad all the time and about to give up, you know, I can't help but reach out to a person as fucked up as I am. You made me feel that you needed me and I liked that, I really do, to the point that I would go extra mile even if you didn't ask me to. You were good to me. Your promises were too good to be true. I like to hear them anyway, again and again. It was then that I realized that I needed you too, in fact, might be more than you needed me. I am so happy to find comfort in you. I want to go back to that.
I want to go back to the day we met. I want to go back to where everything started and walk away. I don't think it is worth all this pain that you have been causing me. I don't think I can take another anxiety attack related to you. I don't want it to be like this everyday. I'm waiting for this suffering to be over. I do not even know if I'll ever be done getting over. You constantly go back in my mind causing so much questions, so much riot, so much insecurities but I also know that you are the only one who can cure it. Because, I believe in you, I know how much you mean what you say when you say it. What's worse is, I know it was all on me, for being stupid, for giving too much, for expecting, for not being enough. I don't want to blame you, because I know you mean well. But then, I shouldn't have risked my serenity and I shouldn't have let you in.
I want to go back to how I was before the day we met. I should have not paused my life for you. I'd click the reset button if I have to go a few years back and redo everything and change my choices. I would rather do that than suffer like this. I would rather take it all back.
What now? No rewinds in life, but I also can't move forward. I'm stuck, quite possibly, again. Why does it have to be this way (all the time)? I have been asking God, why. Because, I don't really think I can bear all this pain. I don't really regret a lot of things but I never should have met you. How can I forget you? How can I unlearn you?
I am looking forward to the day that the sun rises and you wouldn't cross my mind anymore. But for now, I'll just, stay here at this small space and tear up and tear apart.
